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Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation

One of the tragedies of narcissistic abuse is that victims never get the validation so desperately needed from their abuser(s), to help them recover from narcissistic abuse.

When a Healthy Person Hurts Someone

When healthy-minded people hurt someone, whether deliberate or not, or whether they agree with an alternate account of what happened or not, it is their validation of the other person’s perspective that allows the other person to recover. And it is that validation that allows the relationship to repair.

When a Narcissist Abuses Others

That never happens with narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), by nature, blinds the abusers to their responsibility for the devastation they cause. When confronted with the casualties of their behavior, they always believe that they are the ones being victimized.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Victims of NPD abuse are met with rejection, judgment, dismissal and disproportionate rage at any mention of wrongdoing by the perpetrator. NPD abusers infamously tell their victims to “stop living in the past” or to “get over it already,” even though they remember everything their victims ever did or said and will use these things to hurt them over and over again.

It is very difficult for any of us, narcissistically abused or otherwise, to move forward from any type of assault or tragedy when our feelings and emotions are so adamantly discounted. It is especially trying for NPD abuse victims who have suffered constant devaluation and “gas lighting” (invalidation) of their perception of reality.

How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse without Validation

Healing and moving on from pathological narcissistic abuse requires immense inner strength, the very strength that narcissists systematically try to strip from their victims. Survivors must rebuild what they’ve lost, or create what was never created in the first place. That is not an easy feat, but it is an attainable goal; something that must be done for personal sanity and peace of mind.

It doesn’t seem fair. Survivors must do all the work; they need extensive counseling, must stay dignified under the pressure of unfair judgment, must take actions that feel contrary to their natural behavior or inclinations, and must accept the reality that they will never make sense out of the irrational behavior exhibited by their narcissistic abuser.

Survivors have the right to live their lives unencumbered by the abuse of their past. They have the right to live happy lives, despite the malevolent intent of narcissistic abusers that wish them otherwise. And they have the right to do whatever is needed to protect themselves from abusive relationships. Saying “yes” to happiness means saying “no” to toxic relationships.

If you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder abuse, do not waste another day in pain and feeling powerless. Seek professional help with someone who has lived and fully understands this confusing disorder. Decide to take your power back today.

This article was written by:

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Randi Fine is a narcissistic personality disorder abuse expert, radio show host of A Fine Time for Healing, author, and life issues counselor practicing by telephone worldwide. She resides in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Find Randi on Facebook and on her website.

To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.

54 thoughts on “Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation”

  1. I’m glad that sites like these exist and that some light is being shed on the issues of dealing with people with personality disorders. So very few know about this.

    I am nearly 4 years divorced from my NPD wife after 11 years of marriage. Mine was the terribly easy connection of an NPD with a Codependent – a dance that is easily started, difficult to end, and horribly devastating for one of the participants. I had never known about NPD until I sought therapy post divorce, and the “epiphany” of learning about this dynamic took so much off of my own psyche. But still, all this time later, I’m feeling the effects in many aspects of my life.

    Part of the issue is that we have children together, so I am constantly exposed to my abuser and she still has ways of purposefully making my life miserable and exerting control wherever she can – and using the kids is fair game. Like many of you all have experienced, at times my NPD reaches out with kind words and false regret to draw me in. I realize it’s her need for narc supply, but that does not prevent the heart strings from being pulled. We all know that this then cycles like the moon, and later she presses the buttons she knows will hurt me the most in order to inflict pain. The most terrible part is her innate knowledge on what to say to get the most pain possible. During our time together she stored all of my vulnerabilities, my fears, and my insecurities in her mind for the sole purpose of weaponizing them against me – and she is a master weapons maker.

    I see her effects on my children, but courts and lawyers are just not as educated as they should be to this and my efforts to gain more custody fall on deaf ears. Thankfully, my kids naturally sense this and now that their parents apart they can feel the difference in their time with me compared to my ex. As they get older and have more control of where they stay I’m thankful they are choosing the safe environment that I am providing.

    So we all know the abuse. We know the manipulation, the blame projection, the isolating, the gaslighting, and the loss of self. The trick here is where do we navigate after and try to find ourselves again? I’ve done therapy, medication, and read everything I could and I think I have a certain portion of the person I once was. I’m still so sad though and even a bit disappointed in myself. I seem to make certain choices still out of fear. Fear of conflict, fear of failure, fear of in any way doing something that could lead to that pain that almost killed me after my marriage broke up. I never was one to shy from a challenge or embrace a change in my life, but after this I am just so hesitant to step out of my comfort zone. It applies to work, to my finances, and even to relationships I’ve had. I hope that sites like these can help us rediscover our true selves. I know we won’t be like we were before these abusers entered our lives, and that’s OK. I just hope we all find a way to live for ourselves again and let go of these tendrils that still might have their grips on us.

  2. It has only been a little under 1 month since our fallout. This is someone who I truly loved and still love. I thought he would be the one for me. For 3 years I have endured the ups and downs. Any small argument turned into a verbal fiasco. Never in my life have I allowed a person to treat me so badly. He made (and still makes because we stil have contact) me feel everything was wrong with me. He left over something small & I haven’t seen him in almost a month. If he ever truly loved me how could he stay gone for so long? We talk everyday still but he insists that I don’t appreciate or support him. It’s so easy for him to write me off, stay distant, not answer phone calls or texts; but when I ignore him, it’s F me. I can’t even hardly write because of the tears. We have a business together and he takes it away and gives it back at will. I have no income other than our business & he knows that. He has even gone so far as to go to Wells Fargo and remove me from the business bank account. I now have to start from scratch because I do not have enough money to start my own business from scratch and support my two children. He told me so many times I should be thankful that a man would except me into his life already having two children from a previous relationship. He really is Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde in the flesh. On the outside he is handsome & well put together, but behind closed doors he is a menace. I can not begin to explain the verbal, mental, & sometimes physical abuse I have suffered from this man. He has cursed me out in front of my children, his child, his own mother (who is a nutcase in her own right), & in public. He has punched holes in my walls, broken personal belongings & overall made me feel less than a woman. He never gave me a compliment or showed affection. He is extremely controlling. He tends to “punish” me with the silent treatment, no affection, witholding funds, witholding sex & by being distant. Tonight we got into it because I asked him over for dinner & he seemed repulsed by my question so I got mad and hung up the phone. He sent me a text saying I was crossing business with personal. We have been broken up for a little under 1 month and I’m supposed to magically view him as only a business partner? Go figure. When I tried to call him back he wouldn’t answer or respond to the multiple text messages that I sent to him. He seems to have the magical ability to cut me off completely at any given point in time, but give him a few days & he will call back like nothing has happened. I have to get out of this toxic spiral because it is detrimental to my self esteem and overall state of mind. He never sees his wrongs. No matter what it is always my fault because I am selfish & unappreciative. As much as he hurts me I still find it difficult to let go. I want to let go but I don’t want to see him happy and treating someone else good. On the outside we appeared to be perfect for eachother. We have a massive amount of things in common people tell us how good we are for eachother but have no idea what I have endured. He is all about the veneer, but on the inside he is someone totally different. I’m beyond hurt. I have so many unanswered questions but he will never answer them because I need to “stop being emotional” & “get over it.” How do I get over this? I try to go no contact but it is not easy. I really send prayers and positive thoughts to everyone on this thread who has dealt or who is currently dealing with an NPD. I commend those of you who have overcome this beast & I hope to follow in your footsteps of healing. Stay strong everyone of you.

  3. A message for Caroline……..your post touched every part of my feelings at the moment. This is exactly where I am right now. Thank you. Mandy

  4. This article was very helpful, the parts I struggle with are that whilst I am recently out of the relationship, and can see the red flags the frustrations I felt drew me to anger, and was accused of control. My N was an alcoholic and i was accused regularly that she walked on eggshells? Was it really me that’s the N? Or was my actions an effect of the toxic relationship, and constant lies and cheating? She has a new fella, and flaunts him at me and blames me for her drinking too!

  5. Please help me. I live with a narc and just started to figure it out in June. He denies everything, it’s like he has a second life… I don’t even KNOW this man.
    It’s scary. I still live with him. If I contact his ex To find out then tRuth, I would be in danger so I ant.
    I try to tell myself I don’t need her words to confirm, I know the truth already.
    I have to get out of this but how can I afford to live in my own.. I’m working on it but will take a few months during which time ihave t keep my sanity.
    Please help

  6. I believe I am a victim of narcissistic abuse and I don’t know what to think. I am extremely concerned that i may have picked up on the abusers behavior as I was and still am very young. I was 15 at the time and now 17. I was lucky enough to be discarded after only two years. The most prominent warning sign that the abuser was in fact abusive is gas-lighting. He got so angry that i didn’t believe his lie (or anything that he said for that matter) that he accused me of false accusations and left. I was devastated. I had no understanding whatsoever of what had happened to me and believed that perhaps it really was my fault. I have gotten a small amount of validation from the abuser himself since then and have cut contact, but only a few things that had been bothering me had been addressed as he denied most things that i was concerned about. There is a part of me that is still terrified that I may have been the abuser. Is this normal? Am I the abuser? How do i learn to trust my self again?

  7. Completely dead inside. Feel so trapped. Been involved in a relationship with a narcissistic man for 14 years. Feel trapped and so weak. No job, no income, no car, no family and only one friend who I have only known a couple of years. I have 2 cats that I can’t bare the thought of leaving behind. I recently caught him cheating again, and know I need to leave. BUT HOW!? I said before, my cats are all I have left… I just can’t leave them… They are the only things left I love. I am suicidal every moment of every day now. I would have a hard enough time finding a place to go for myself, let alone me and 2 cats. So what now!? He has blamed me for everything wrong in his life and it’s just too much… My heart, soul, and spirit are shattered, and I am starting to feel like I won’t make it through this ordeal alive.

  8. @Lynn…my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain because I’ve been there. Narcs are not capable of loving others for who they are; there is usually some shallow reason behind it.

    I’ve dated men in the past who were initially drawn to me because of my looks, but they were also very critical of me. “You need to straighten your hair, you need to wear different clothes” etc.
    Over a period of time, they would become more insulting and abusive, sometimes even allowing their families and friends to disrespect me. I stayed with an abusive partner much longer than I should have.

    If a person only “loves” you for WHAT you have instead of WHO you are, it isn’t love. A man who can’t accept the flaws that make you human is not worthy of you.
    It sounds like he defined your relationship based on shallow things like your money, your home, your appearance. But what about YOU? Did he truly care about you?

    Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you. This guy left because you gained weight but it is his loss. Think about it…what if you got sick and the illness changed your appearance?
    If a person leaves you because you gained weight or your hair falls out or you show any hint of being human, it is THEIR problem, not yours.

    You are no less beautiful or worthy because this guy walked out on your life.

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