• advertisement

Our Mental Health Blogs

Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.

One of the tragedies of narcissistic abuse is that victims never get the validation so desperately wanted from their abuser(s), to help them recover from narcissistic abuse.

When a Healthy Person Hurts Someone

When healthy-minded people hurt someone, whether deliberate or not, or whether they agree with an alternate account of what happened or not, it is their validation of the other person’s perspective that allows the other person to recover. And it is that validation that allows the relationship to repair.

When a Narcissist Abuses Others

That never happens with narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), by nature, blinds the abusers to their responsibility for the devastation they cause. When confronted with the casualties of their behavior, they always believe that they are the ones being victimized.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Victims of NPD abuse are met with rejection, judgment, dismissal and disproportionate rage at any mention of wrongdoing by the perpetrator. NPD abusers infamously tell their victims to “stop living in the past” or to “get over it already,” even though they remember everything their victims ever did or said and will use these things to hurt them over and over again.

It is very difficult for any of us, abused or otherwise, to move forward from any type of assault or tragedy when our feelings and emotions are so adamantly discounted. It is especially trying for NPD abuse victims who have suffered constant devaluation and “gas lighting” (invalidation) of their perception of reality.

How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse without Validation

Healing and moving on from pathological narcissistic abuse requires immense inner strength, the very strength that narcissists systematically try to strip from their victims. Survivors must rebuild what they’ve lost, or create what was never created in the first place. That is not an easy feat, but it is an attainable goal; something that must be done for personal sanity and peace of mind.

It doesn’t seem fair. Survivors must do all the work; they need extensive counseling, must stay dignified under the pressure of unfair judgment, must take actions that feel contrary to their natural behavior or inclinations, and must accept the reality that they will never make sense out of the irrational behavior exhibited by their narcissistic abuser.

Survivors have the right to live their lives unencumbered by the abuse of their past. They have the right to live happy lives, despite the malevolent intent of narcissistic abusers that wish them otherwise. And they have the right to do whatever is needed to protect themselves from abusive relationships. Saying “yes” to happiness means saying “no” to toxic relationships.

If you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder abuse, do not waste another day in pain and feeling powerless. Seek professional help with someone who has lived and fully understands this confusing disorder. Decide to take your power back today.

This article was written by:

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Randi Fine is a narcissistic personality disorder abuse expert, radio show host of A Fine Time for Healing, author, and life issues counselor practicing by telephone worldwide. She resides in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Find Randi on Facebook and on her website.

To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.

82 thoughts on “Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation”

  1. I have been with this man for almost 3 years. I do believe he is a narccisist but i have only been learning about it recently. When we first got together hes was the most amazing man the the world. I was the happiest i believe i had ever been. Everything would be perfect then he would disappear. He left and came back like 3 times. Being gone from 1-3 weeks. I still took him back. That was over the first 6 months. After that it was perfect again. Soon everything was about about him. He had me move from my home to another county which is something normally i would have never done. I had three kids and was close with my family. I never even considered moving away. Once we moved everuthing was about him. Even things like caring for my kids upset him he would say i was ignoring him. I drew disability and all money was in his control. He did not work and was on drugs. We soon lost our home and my kids were took by state. After that he still wanted me to evalve around him. When i would have appointments for my kids he would take off last minute or all the sudden my car wouldnt start. After it was to late to go he would leave in the car no problem. I was not to ralk to anyone but him. At first he never left my side. W
    Then at the end be was gone most of the time. He would leave earl when he woke up and come home late. When he was here all i was to do was sit with him doing nothing. But yet he would not act like i was even there. He would not talk or acknowledge me unless it was for se ual favor. Yet if i would try to do something else he would tell me not cause he wanted us to talk and then would go back to ignoring me. He has kept me on a drug since late the first year. I went to a meeting about one of my kids and they gave me a drug test. I had ecstasy in my system at really high levels and i have never done or been around it. Before that point i believed i was going crazy. I was confused and he swore i was doing things i thought i knew he had done. It was after this i. Came across a website about narccisism. I had never heard of it before. He still says he loves and needs me. But its always followed by he wishes i could love him or he accuses me of cheatting. When he knows for one i never would but also that its not possible. It has been about 24 hrs since i left and currently i feel numb no emotion at all. Could this be normal. Part of me wants to miss him but then he was rarely here. I have alot of confusion and im seeking to find help. But any advice would help. Am i crazy or was he wrong or maybe both. I really dont know anymore. Nothing makes since.

  2. I am a lesbian and just realized now that my four relationship has ended that I was dealing with a Narcissist. It feels kike my whole world is lost and I am a walking confused shell of a person. I am not working right now and just don’t know what to do but I have to fight because I have a 11 year old who is in a ware and even my relationship with her I feel it’s ruined. I put everything into my relationship even though I still took care of my daughter. I still feel kike a fool and like I have no where to turn. The pain is unbearable and I slowly feel like I’m emotionally dying. I am so lost and don’t know how I will pick up the pieces of my life..m.😞😞

    1. It will be incredibly painful for several months, like kicking a drug habit. Eventually you will come out the other side, but you must stay away. Your ex will try to come back eventually, if you let her the abuse will keep getting worse. Do it for your daughter until you are stronger. I have been through this myself more than once. No contact is the only way, they only come back to hurt you even worse.

    2. I’ve just been discarded from a 8 yr toxic relationship with a narc,I’ve never felt so low in my life I’m into my 8th week free from him,it is so hard because I miss him he was a big part of my life,he ended it over txt and had already sourced his new supply,little does she know she will go through exactly the same as I did,the night before he txt he had said he loved me.the hardest part is is getting my head around the last 8yrs was a lie,I also feel very sorry for his next victim,at the moment I need to find the strength to get out this black hole and get some self love back.

    3. I was discarded….again…the day after valentines day and a few days before my birthday. I made the mistake of going to his shop to help him as we worked together anyway. He went crazy, flagged down the police and made me leave. He told them he wants a non molestation order against me. Two days before we had all had a lovely day out together. I have since found out that he has been telling everyone that we haven’t been together for ages and i don’t work on his shop anymore. Funny how I was the one keeping of open when he was away telling these lies.
      He has a boat in the barn at my house but he is refusing to collect it. If I do anything with it he will have me arrested for criminal damage as he has done in the past. I have children so I don’t want to put myself in that situation. I just don’t understand if I’m all the things he says I am and he is clearly seeing someone else…..which he denies…..why won’t he just collect his boat so I don’t have to keep looking at it?…it hurts….its like he won’t let me move on yet has made it clear he doesn’t want me. He has now joined the Jehovah witnesses. I’m a mess but I don’t want to feel like this forever

  3. I was married to covert narcissist for 23 years . My ather was a narcissist but I was his golden child and that was extremely difficult to navigate as my mom and kids see him as the victim martyr role he is presenting. My biggest concern is helping my adult children understand the impact he’s had on them and the parental alienation he is trying to accomplish with them. Do you have any resources or counseling referrals you could suggest. I think the sooner they understand why they struggle with addiction and
    Codependency the easier it will be to seek help. ANY ADVICE you could forward along would help me and my kids immensely . Thanks so much , Lisa

  4. I have been at the receiving end of the narcissistic discard.
    I’m 22 and the relationship in actuality lasted for about 8 months. The worst time of my life.
    It started with the usual love bombing phase and since it was my first relationship I even though after knowing something seemed “off” went ahead with the relationship.
    He never seemed to hear any of my emotional pleas and was never ever there to have my back. The abuse started 3 months into the relationship. Everytime he would treat me like shit and never resolved the issues. I would inevitably take him back. He purposely tried to make me jealous of other females even though I’m considered an attractive and smart woman. By the time it reached the six months mark I was reduced to a former shadow of myself with constant abuse and hits on my self esteem.
    He left me after final physical abuse eventually but continued to take advantage of me both physically and financially, which I did in the hopes that he would come back.
    He is in the same class as me so I have to look at him everyday. He has made me chase him and then blatantly ignored me and destroyed my reputation as being the crazy ex , at times going to the length of saying to.his friends to date me so.that I’m off his back. He told me all this himself with a smirk.
    He still continues to toy with me while knowing how things are affecting me and I believe he sometimes take pride in my miserable times.
    I’ve been following no contact but some days such as these are very hard on me, especially when I have to see him everyday with his new supply.
    I hope to make through this situation without losing myself.

  5. I am in a situation where he is about to throw me In prison for three years if I don’t get out and get help now. He is a man of steel with a deep and dark heart. I need help.

  6. This is an excellent account of narcissistic abuse. I lost almost everything to a man who never existed. He devalued my acheivments and all my life experiences. Cheated on me drove my family away by his tantrums, bullied me. I did everything to please him and it was like living with a spoilt child, i dreaded his moods. He cheated on me and then try to make out he was nothing. He would blow up over the smallest perceived slight.I lived on egg shells. Then he left me abruptly I was in shock, he left on a whim and went back to his ex wife after x amount of years. Since then he has contacted me and wanted to get back with me, left a flower on my car several times. I have struggled to remain contact free, but I must for my own sanity. I am able to look back and see how I ended up with this N. I was vulnerable when he met me, he loved bombed me then devalued me and discarded me over and over again. I was a shadow of my former self. He really broke me , told me what to wear eat even once how to breathe! But I’m freee I’m so glad he left me. I’m rebuilding my life and I now see the signs. I fear I have been damaged by this relationship I dont know how to get over that. UK

  7. Not knowing these demons existed, I married one almost 10 years ago. In my opinion I married the worst kind of narc, he is a phsicatris and using his station as a doctor to get away with way more than he should. The courts and other professionals believe his ward over mine, at least that’s how it feels. When I went to court to file for full custody because he was physically abusive (and I had proof of it) and a alcoholic, I walked away with shared parenting because nobody would touch him because he was a doctor and I had no degree or career because of him. Our legal system sucks and there not going to take notice until something horrible happens to my kids in his care for anyone to listen.
    Even though I’m divorced from him and live clear across town, I can’t seem to get away from his reach of Narc behavior. I’m trying to move on but still feel like I’m drowning in his abuse.

  8. I finally left my covert narc husband after 11 years of marriage last weekend. I feel that I am on the edge of a cliff and leaping into the darkness without wings…… I have no job, a rented tiny cottage and little money but I have retained my sanity and I am grateful that the very things he tried to destroy in me have survived along with my will to be happy. Having a child with him I have to face the threats of annihilation he has been throwing at me for most of our marriage: the threat to destroy me financially, take custody of our child and leave me with absolutely nothing not even my good name. After our 3rd year of marriage I knew that something was abnormal in the way he acted, communicated, related to me. But to the outside world he was the most perfect, charitable kind and generous man you could meet. That is why I fell in love with him but after much reading I accidently came across narc books and realised that he held a vast number of ‘covert’ narc traits since I first met him 20 years ago – I must take responsibility for not walking away permanently back then. After 2 cycles of counselling throughout the last 3 years not one counsellor told me that he had narc covert traits – had this been pointed out to me I would have began to realise the numerous covert narc techniques he had used on me over the years repeatedly, most obvious being ‘gaslighting’. For all of our marriage I have blamed myself for most of our ‘problems’ because how could such a good decent man be the problem? Of course I deserved everything he threw at me because as he said he was a good family man who worked hard for his family; so what if he became angry or gave me the cold shoulder for days, weeks or months at a time as I deserved it as I made him angry (although he wasn’t ‘angry’ just ‘frustrated’ and it was my fault) I on the other hand was the lazy ungrateful unappreciative wife – that is why I deserved to have no affection, intimacy or empathy or compassion. I must also put up with his constant porn use since I had ‘driven’ him to it (he repeatedly has denied using it even with hard evidence produced in his face) – a therapist had after all told him he clearly had no addiction if as he said he ‘could take porn or leave it’ therefore his porn use was in retaliation for having a bad marriage and terrible wife (the doctor clearly was taken in by his narc strategies to fool her); He could of course do what he liked since he paid the bills and he brought in the money. If I didn’t like it I could go and find some other ‘sucker’ who would quickly realise what a terrible person I was (a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad human being) . He recently for the millionth time told me that no one would put up with me and I would one day (when it was all too late and he had found someone younger and wonderful) realise what a horrific mistake I had made but he had tried to make me see but failed as I was stubborn and always had been)… I was also good looking but that was it… ‘there was nothing else to say about me other than my looks’. The full dawning of the abuse I had suffered, the full realisation to its extent only occurred on reading Malignant Self Love – Sam Vaknin. This book (hard reading) saved my life and sanity and gave me the courage to realise firstly I was the victim of abuse and secondly that no amount of couples counselling or changes in my behaviour (for example: find a highly paid job that matched his earnings) would ‘mend/heal’ my husband’s dysfunction. After reading this book 2016 I immediately made my final counselling cycle appointment and thank god she had read Vaknin and was fully aware of the specific covert narc traits and after numerous sessions was in full agreement with my assumptions – she advised me for the sake of my health (I have been left with a ‘shake’ and stress hair loss), my mental health and the wellbeing of my child to escape my abuser husband at the earliest and safest opportunity. Sometimes it is extremely helpful to name a ‘thing’ and to know who your enemy is, what you are dealing with….. Once I knew for definite that this man that I married in the beautiful tropical islands in mid-2000s never existed, had never existed but only in my own imagination (and those of course who he wishes to hoodwink), the more I could research the Narc Covert traits and gain power from this knowledge – it has been invaluable and I advise anyone in a similar position to do the same. I must say there is a huge amount of information out there on the web and in books that focus entirely on Narc overts and this is why my husband’s disorder never made sense since he didn’t ‘fit’ into the overt Narc criteria (well only a handful of traits) therefore this really needs to change if women and men are to be educated to identify these types of people and to avoid them at all costs in the first instance. I lost my mother recently in horrific circumstances but my husband and his abuse prevented me from grieving. Even on the day of her funeral I began to make concrete mental plans to leave him and felt my mother’s spirit urging me on (she suffered chronic domestic abuse during her own marriage)…. And so now I am here typing this up in my own safe space with my child asleep in the next room. With my husband I lived in our beautiful big house in a beautiful village yet over the years I began to feel a deep overriding depression of hopelessness….. life, energy and spirit was draining from me from every pore. He occupied my every thought; I can see that now. My spirit was on the verge of being broken – he clearly through his abuse wanted to wipe me off the face of the earth – to obliterate me and that is what he nearly succeeded in doing and that realisation fills me with shock since when we met I was a strong, capable and fun/life loving woman filled with joy, hope and optimism. I am a shell of my former self. But I know what I have to do. I know I must heal and grow again and be a better version than I ever was before the abuse because that way I will never fall for a Narc again whether covert or overt or otherwise. I wish everyone who is reading this site because they realise they are being abused a very happy and narc-free life…… take courage, get out of the abuse and be the person you were born to be. We only have one life…….. (A from UK)

    1. This is the best comment I have read in explaining the process of being abused from beginning to end. This is ME!! I have been separated from my husband for over a year now, and I am finally starting to heal and find myself again. I have never met anyone in my life like my husband, I had no idea such demons existed.. thanks for sharing your story, it truly hit home for me and I am so glad I finally get clarity on my darkness!

    2. I am a man and in similar circumstances to you. Separated from my wife in May because of Nacissistic abuse. To the world she looks perfect but at home very verbally abusive. Hang in there, please get the help and support you need. I have sought professional counseling that is very good at understanding Narcissistic abuse. I have to really hold on to the truth as it happened because mutual friends will try to downplay it. I have had to leave organizations and groups because of her influence. It does get better just takes time take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid of your feelings, opinions and who you are. They tried to take this from us, I have had to rely in my faith in God and Jesus through this as they saw what really went on. Hope this helps, you are not alone.

      1. Thank you for your kind words, it’s refreshing to hear from someone who totally understands what I’m going through! I do have the professional help I need; however, it’s remains a daily struggle for me. Educating myself has probably helped me the most. It’s just hard for me to turn it all off (emotions & thoughts). Thanks for your reply, I wish you well!

        1. Thank you both for your kind words. I am very pleased if only one person can find the strength to escape their personal hell or gain some form of clarity around this terrible human dysfunction through the reading of my story and make plans to leave. Others I hope will just gain comfort from knowing that someone out there understands the hell they have endured if being forced to live in similar circumstances. I really hope that someone somewhere will write some well researched evidence based books based on Covert Narcissism only as it is destroying lives and is clearly poorly identified even by those professionals working in relationship counselling/therapies. Such books would literally save the lives and sanity of thousands of people. I would be interested to know if the tactics used by Coverts in gas lighting etc for example are similar to those processes used by brain washing perpetrators. I can’t help feel that I have been brain washed over the years of my marriage. May be this is a critical key in the process of recovery! Keep positive, keep plodding on forwards and never never look back.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Us

Subscribe to Blog

  • advertisement

in Your Mental Health Comments

Mental Health Newsletter

Sign up for the HealthyPlace mental health newsletter for latest news, articles, events.

Mental Health
Newsletter Subscribe Now!

Mental Health Newsletter

Sign up for the HealthyPlace mental health newsletter for latest news, articles, events.

Log in

Login to your account

Username *
Password *
Remember Me