• advertisement

Our Mental Health Blogs

Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.

One of the tragedies of narcissistic abuse is that victims never get the validation so desperately wanted from their abuser(s), to help them recover from narcissistic abuse.

When a Healthy Person Hurts Someone

When healthy-minded people hurt someone, whether deliberate or not, or whether they agree with an alternate account of what happened or not, it is their validation of the other person’s perspective that allows the other person to recover. And it is that validation that allows the relationship to repair.

When a Narcissist Abuses Others

That never happens with narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), by nature, blinds the abusers to their responsibility for the devastation they cause. When confronted with the casualties of their behavior, they always believe that they are the ones being victimized.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Victims of NPD abuse are met with rejection, judgment, dismissal and disproportionate rage at any mention of wrongdoing by the perpetrator. NPD abusers infamously tell their victims to “stop living in the past” or to “get over it already,” even though they remember everything their victims ever did or said and will use these things to hurt them over and over again.

It is very difficult for any of us, abused or otherwise, to move forward from any type of assault or tragedy when our feelings and emotions are so adamantly discounted. It is especially trying for NPD abuse victims who have suffered constant devaluation and “gas lighting” (invalidation) of their perception of reality.

How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse without Validation

Healing and moving on from pathological narcissistic abuse requires immense inner strength, the very strength that narcissists systematically try to strip from their victims. Survivors must rebuild what they’ve lost, or create what was never created in the first place. That is not an easy feat, but it is an attainable goal; something that must be done for personal sanity and peace of mind.

It doesn’t seem fair. Survivors must do all the work; they need extensive counseling, must stay dignified under the pressure of unfair judgment, must take actions that feel contrary to their natural behavior or inclinations, and must accept the reality that they will never make sense out of the irrational behavior exhibited by their narcissistic abuser.

Survivors have the right to live their lives unencumbered by the abuse of their past. They have the right to live happy lives, despite the malevolent intent of narcissistic abusers that wish them otherwise. And they have the right to do whatever is needed to protect themselves from abusive relationships. Saying “yes” to happiness means saying “no” to toxic relationships.

If you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder abuse, do not waste another day in pain and feeling powerless. Seek professional help with someone who has lived and fully understands this confusing disorder. Decide to take your power back today.

This article was written by:

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is tough and people have to do with without validation of their feelings. Find out how to recover from narcissistic abuse.Randi Fine is a narcissistic personality disorder abuse expert, radio show host of A Fine Time for Healing, author, and life issues counselor practicing by telephone worldwide. She resides in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Find Randi on Facebook and on her website.

To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.

68 thoughts on “Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation”

  1. I finally left my covert narc husband after 11 years of marriage last weekend. I feel that I am on the edge of a cliff and leaping into the darkness without wings…… I have no job, a rented tiny cottage and little money but I have retained my sanity and I am grateful that the very things he tried to destroy in me have survived along with my will to be happy. Having a child with him I have to face the threats of annihilation he has been throwing at me for most of our marriage: the threat to destroy me financially, take custody of our child and leave me with absolutely nothing not even my good name. After our 3rd year of marriage I knew that something was abnormal in the way he acted, communicated, related to me. But to the outside world he was the most perfect, charitable kind and generous man you could meet. That is why I fell in love with him but after much reading I accidently came across narc books and realised that he held a vast number of ‘covert’ narc traits since I first met him 20 years ago – I must take responsibility for not walking away permanently back then. After 2 cycles of counselling throughout the last 3 years not one counsellor told me that he had narc covert traits – had this been pointed out to me I would have began to realise the numerous covert narc techniques he had used on me over the years repeatedly, most obvious being ‘gaslighting’. For all of our marriage I have blamed myself for most of our ‘problems’ because how could such a good decent man be the problem? Of course I deserved everything he threw at me because as he said he was a good family man who worked hard for his family; so what if he became angry or gave me the cold shoulder for days, weeks or months at a time as I deserved it as I made him angry (although he wasn’t ‘angry’ just ‘frustrated’ and it was my fault) I on the other hand was the lazy ungrateful unappreciative wife – that is why I deserved to have no affection, intimacy or empathy or compassion. I must also put up with his constant porn use since I had ‘driven’ him to it (he repeatedly has denied using it even with hard evidence produced in his face) – a therapist had after all told him he clearly had no addiction if as he said he ‘could take porn or leave it’ therefore his porn use was in retaliation for having a bad marriage and terrible wife (the doctor clearly was taken in by his narc strategies to fool her); He could of course do what he liked since he paid the bills and he brought in the money. If I didn’t like it I could go and find some other ‘sucker’ who would quickly realise what a terrible person I was (a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad human being) . He recently for the millionth time told me that no one would put up with me and I would one day (when it was all too late and he had found someone younger and wonderful) realise what a horrific mistake I had made but he had tried to make me see but failed as I was stubborn and always had been)… I was also good looking but that was it… ‘there was nothing else to say about me other than my looks’. The full dawning of the abuse I had suffered, the full realisation to its extent only occurred on reading Malignant Self Love – Sam Vaknin. This book (hard reading) saved my life and sanity and gave me the courage to realise firstly I was the victim of abuse and secondly that no amount of couples counselling or changes in my behaviour (for example: find a highly paid job that matched his earnings) would ‘mend/heal’ my husband’s dysfunction. After reading this book 2016 I immediately made my final counselling cycle appointment and thank god she had read Vaknin and was fully aware of the specific covert narc traits and after numerous sessions was in full agreement with my assumptions – she advised me for the sake of my health (I have been left with a ‘shake’ and stress hair loss), my mental health and the wellbeing of my child to escape my abuser husband at the earliest and safest opportunity. Sometimes it is extremely helpful to name a ‘thing’ and to know who your enemy is, what you are dealing with….. Once I knew for definite that this man that I married in the beautiful tropical islands in mid-2000s never existed, had never existed but only in my own imagination (and those of course who he wishes to hoodwink), the more I could research the Narc Covert traits and gain power from this knowledge – it has been invaluable and I advise anyone in a similar position to do the same. I must say there is a huge amount of information out there on the web and in books that focus entirely on Narc overts and this is why my husband’s disorder never made sense since he didn’t ‘fit’ into the overt Narc criteria (well only a handful of traits) therefore this really needs to change if women and men are to be educated to identify these types of people and to avoid them at all costs in the first instance. I lost my mother recently in horrific circumstances but my husband and his abuse prevented me from grieving. Even on the day of her funeral I began to make concrete mental plans to leave him and felt my mother’s spirit urging me on (she suffered chronic domestic abuse during her own marriage)…. And so now I am here typing this up in my own safe space with my child asleep in the next room. With my husband I lived in our beautiful big house in a beautiful village yet over the years I began to feel a deep overriding depression of hopelessness….. life, energy and spirit was draining from me from every pore. He occupied my every thought; I can see that now. My spirit was on the verge of being broken – he clearly through his abuse wanted to wipe me off the face of the earth – to obliterate me and that is what he nearly succeeded in doing and that realisation fills me with shock since when we met I was a strong, capable and fun/life loving woman filled with joy, hope and optimism. I am a shell of my former self. But I know what I have to do. I know I must heal and grow again and be a better version than I ever was before the abuse because that way I will never fall for a Narc again whether covert or overt or otherwise. I wish everyone who is reading this site because they realise they are being abused a very happy and narc-free life…… take courage, get out of the abuse and be the person you were born to be. We only have one life…….. (A from UK)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



Follow Us

Subscribe to Blog

  • advertisement

in Your Mental Health Comments

Mental Health Newsletter

Sign up for the HealthyPlace mental health newsletter for latest news, articles, events.

Mental Health
Newsletter Subscribe Now!

Mental Health Newsletter

Sign up for the HealthyPlace mental health newsletter for latest news, articles, events.

Log in

Login to your account

Username *
Password *
Remember Me