Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, September 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I have been in a relationship with my husband for 22 years. I recently left him. On this occasion we had disagreed about something. I told him to calm down and he told me I was fat. He belittled me in front of our children the next day because I didn't approach him to resolve the dispute yesterday. He called me ignorant and told me I acted and looked like a granny. The following day he told me not to buy him any birthday presents and to leave our house. He also called me fat, lazy and unfit again in front of the children.
Despite the fact he hasn't hit me, he says this latest incident wasn't that bad compared to all the others (which unfortunately is true). I have been criticised many times - just because he doesn't swear at me doesn't make it any better. I am told I'm lazy, spoiler, self-centred, rotten, cold, heartless, ungrateful, lack diligence, lack initiative, rude etc etc. funnily enough, no other person would characterise me this way. I actually work hard and am self motivated.
He also has many great qualities though and wants me to give him another chance. He has actually listened to my concerns, apologised for the harm caused and sought counselling for himself. He has given me space and behaved more respectably towards me.
However I am in two minds and not sure whether to take the risk. Not sure if these people really change. It's harder to leave again especially if they improve but still disrespectful. I also have support and a place to live at the moment. Alternatively I do get along with the nice side of him and don't want to not be with my children for potentially half their life!
Would appreciate advice, views from others.
If he is truly changing, he will respect your desire to separate for awhile. Tell him that you need time to heal, and the feeling of walking on eggshells (even though he is improving himself) is causing you anxiety. Remind him that he has been nice to you before, and you love that side of him, but you need greater space. If he doesn't respect your desire, then he is not changing.
Take the opportunity to move into the other place. Give yourself some breathing room. If he truly wants to change, he will do it without you in the home, too.
BTW, he tells you you're bad at the things you do best because those things we're good at typically give us pleasure, self-esteem and happiness. He lies to you about who you are to destroy those things. Happy people are very difficult to control.
As for the children, I'm guessing you've tried to protect them from the worst of his abuse. If you are not with them some of the time, they will eventually see their father for who he is. When they're old enough to choose, the 1/2 time stuff can end. I was heartbroken, devastated when the judge gave primary custody to my ex. However, over time, I began to see the benefits. For example, one day my ex dropped off my youngest son. My son came in the door, closed it, leaned against it, sighed and said, "Finally! Some peace!" That's when I knew things were going to be okay. I provided my boys something they could not get from their father - peace, encouragement, space to breathe, an opportunity to be themselves.
That's my advice. Take care of yourself during this time. If you have a chance to separate, use it.
I'm 63 my daughter is pregnant newly divorced and says I m.ugly fat no one likes Me. She's been very loose yet I help.her out of things. I feel very used. The last straw came she work up from map verbally abused
Me then she threw my things breaking them and threw water bottle at the door. I had a mom that was like this. Verbally and physically. I'm scared she's like my mom who's schizophrenic. Don't know what to do. I don't want to b around bout I worry about baby
So many of these comments sound like my current situation and have brought me to tears. For the past year I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with someone that meant so much to me and that I loved so dearly. We did not get off on the right foot though when we started dating, due to my own faults. He has always held this against me, but stayed with me despite of my betrayal. We hung out for a few months, sleeping together as well, and eventually I was ready to call if a relationship. He kept saying he wasn't ready, yet we hung out exclusively every weekend. This started to make me angry because enough time had past when people make the decision to be together for real. I told him multiple times I was beginning to feel like the feelings weren't mutual between us, and that I was beginning to fall in love with him even though I didn't feel that from him. We saw eachother a few days later, and he brought it up. He seemed to like the idea that I loved him, and he told me he "had love for me", but that he wasn't ready to go all out yet and wouldn't be "even if I was the most perfect woman in the world" because he moves slow. He even brought up the betrayal again, and pointed out that most guys would have dropped me already. This is how everything started, with him subtlety breaking me down due to all of my flaws. More time passed, and I eventually met his father, and he asked me to be his girlfriend, only to have him say a few days later during a texting argument that he didn't mean it. We pretty much broke things off due to this. I didn't see him for two weeks, though we kept texting. One night we had been texting eachother all day, and it seemed like maybe we were getting better and would make up. I had plans that night to go out with my friends. He told me to come over instead, but I told him I couldn't let my friends down. I was only out maybe two hours then went home because my friend felt ill. Just as I texted him saying I was going home, thinking he would want to make plans, he announced he was going out and I didn't hear from him the rest of the night. I remember sitting at home all alone crying, drinking, and chain smoking cigarettes (something I take up when I'm stressed and upset). I felt so betrayed. I texted him saying I knew he was probably with another girl. By the afternoon the next day he finally replied saying he was very hungover and sick. I offered to come take care of him but he declined. A few days later I tried being nice, saying I had hoped we could make things work, and he seemed to agree. Then he told me that he had gone out with another girl, and was starting to like her and was thinking of giving her a chance because it seemed like a better match. I again felt betrayed. We fought some more and a few days went by with no communication. Eventually we spoke again, and discussed the possibility of seeing eachother while seeing other people - like starting again. I was not too excited about the idea since I am a one at a time type person, but I understood everyone's different. I said I could probably do that, but I wouldn't want to see someone who's sleeping with other people. He said he couldn't promise that, yet I was not allowed to sleep with other guys. A few days later I went over to his place so we could talk, and because I had left clothes there. As soon as I walked in he was different. He said he had missed me and wanted to be together. So we tried to make it work. I later found out that the girl he had gone out with had actually came over that night, and was too drunk to drive home so he let her sleep over in his bed with him! But they didn't have sex? He said they only kissed good night. This is how everything started. Other horrible things he did was basically tell me I was not attractive. One time I asked him why he had never called me "hot"? Other people have in my life, but it felt strange tha he never did. His response was "do you actually think you're the hottest I've been with?". I don't think anyone's ever said such gut wrenching things to me. He described me as cute and pretty, but not hot. He also said that when he first saw my pictures before we met in person that he wasn't sure he'd be attracted to me. I wasn't really his type. He also said he preferred me with makeup on. I have also felt not good enough in his eyes. He doesn't like the clothes I wear, or my shoes. He complains that I don't get my nails done. He points out that I have a chubby neck and face because I don't have a strong jaw line. He shows me pics of girls he used to sleep with. He had pics of other girls in his phone still. He has all sorts of girls numbers in his phone, it's like the white pages. He even went to a strip club with his friend one night. He didn't tell me til he got home the next morning. Apparently one of the strippers hung out with him and his friend after at his friends apartment. He told me on April fools day that this stripper actually went down on him, but then played it off as an April fools joke. I got very upset by this, and he got mad at me for being upset. He also makes me do all the shopping, cleaning, laundry and dishes. He just plays video games. We never did anything I like. I finally just left him. We got in yet another fight, and he told me to just leave, something he has always said. He said he's sorry he gave me a chance. He called me a B and a C. He even called me a dirty B. I packed up all my stuff and left without saying goodbye. I blocked his number and social media. One year of my life. Sorry this was so long.
I'm in an abusive relationship with my partner he is nice one minute and horrible the next I've been in hospital recently I tried to end my life as I couldn't cope with the abuse anymore. My partner found me semi conscious he called me a bitch and told me to buck my ideas up or he'd pack my bags and kick me out of our home. He said he doesn't mean the things he says. I'm staying with family at the moment , I cant take his bullying anymore
Michelle, STAY where you are. Don't go back to him. Anyone who bullies you to the point of a suicide attempt isn't going to stop harassing you until you succeed in such an attempt. I really hope you seek therapy and call the NDVH (http://thehotline.org) when you need to talk.
I live with my partner of 3 years I'm a joint tenant of our hone. I've been suffering from emotional abuse , one minute my partner is nice kind caring loving and the next he is horrible. I was recently admitted to hospital due to self harming my partner came home he found me semi conscious. He called me a selfish bitch and told me to buck my ideas up or he'd pack my bags and kick me out. I couldn't take his abuse any longer . At the hospital he told me he hit someone's car and it was my fault. I'm ok now staying with family to be safe. My partner phoned me and said he is going to get the police to me I said why He said it's very serious , I started feeling very stressed again he was with his parents they abuse him I believe he is just just game playing again I'm very scared.
Lostself I hope u called the wedding off and NEVER get back with him! Do u know HOW MANY women wish they had clear signs like yours before they got married, had children, gave up their jobs and have been slowly 'taken in' to the point of where they are 'trapped' with no money and kids that they want to give a good life to? If u have no energy then have R&R at your parents place but WHO SAYS that u had to give him an answer by tomorrow? STOP GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY! If u have to, take out a restraining order or.....RUN! And remember, sometimes beautiful beginnings are disguised as painful endings. Let go of the guilt, even if there are things you wish you might have done, tried, I seriously don't think it would have changed your world for the better-just prolonged the pain. PLEASE see this as a GREAT OPPORTUNITY and be excited about what the future holds. As the pain subsides please count your blessings daily as this REALLY helps! Your angels really are looking out for you-I really see you as lucky and way smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for. You could also try looking at things from another perspective: if you were/are a parent, would you be happy for your grown child to have a relationship like that? What would YOUR advice be to THEM? xx
Hiya I've been through alot as well always trying my best my boyfriend and I would do gigs started off nice but sometimes at the intervals he would take me outside and cuss me of I'm not performing good enough or I'm fat so to be perfect I use to starve myself and work out it never got better he cheated and I stayed he insulted me I stayed we have 2boys and I'm at my points end I worked long hours we had a studio by the time I came home he does nothing blame me for not pushing the studio blames me for everything and will say I'm a waste of time I'm a whore I'm a fat c*****etc I will always love him but I'm no longer in love with him going around in a circle I no longer feel I'll continue to pray for him and wish him well but I can no longer be with him
Hey everyone who reads this but I have a lot to say. I been married for 1 year with my husband and total of 2 years together. Than we have a lovely daughter of 8 months. It was all great the first year but than when I became pregnant all went down hill. I got his id renewed, pay for everything he wears, own, and eats. I worked until i was 8 months pregnant. No break and he will call me bitch everyday! He will call me prositute, whore slut, everyday of pregnancy. We also slept in the car while I work and he wait for me in the car.we fought the whole time I was pregnant. He beat me up and put me down. When it was time for labor he stayed in the hospital with me but argue with me the whole 3 days. After 2 months of having my daughter I had to go to work. The 3-8 months he argue with me and said everything is my fault! He said he no love me anymore, we wish he never marry me, he says in fat and ugly and a bitch pig every week and complains every day that he has to take care our daughter while I work!!!! He drinks everyday and he always ask me or beg me to buy beer for him because he says he stress when he don't work or pay bills, I do !!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO??i ran out of ideas and everything he says it's my fault and he leave and we push each other and than he will text me all the bad things!!! May God bless him I pray every time we fight I'm running out of patience and kindness and love for my husband when I am a Christian trying to do right
To Lost Self and Everyone: RUN RUN RUN. AND DON'T EVER LOOK BACK!! YOU ARE CODEPENDENT, LEARN WHAT THAT MEANS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. MOST OF ABUSED VICTIMS ARE CODEPENDENT AND ATTRACT THE NARCISSISTIC, SOCIOPATHS BECAUSE OF LOW SELF ESTEEM AND LOW SELF VALUE. GOD HAS MUCH BETTER PLANS FOR YOU AND ALL OF YOU ON HERE. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, NOW GO DO IT !!!
His mother hates me to him and his mother have always treated the girlfriends like this . it's terrible how evil people can be . they all push me around and constantly make digs . I try to hold it in but after a while I explode . I bite my tongue till it bleeds in other words. Everyone on this earth wants to be loved . I feel like I never got it and never will. I'm exhausted my head pounds from being cracked so hard by him today. I don't want to eat but I just go through the motions so when he wants to eat with me I just eat it then I puke it up when he's not paying attention.
I really can't take living with my boyfriend anymore. We have a 3 yr old together. He tells me he hates me I'm a terrible caretaker and if he could throw me out of the car doing 65 and get away with it he would. Today we've been fighting verbally and physically . I have no $ I do work but everything I make goes into his account or he will be angry. I have little support. I was adopted and me and my adoptive family arnt close cuz they've always treated me like I was adopted. I also have a 10 yr old who sees and heard all this who is also depressed . I feel like a terrible mom I feel ugly worthless . I feel like I have to options kill myself or stay and deal with it. He knows how depressed I am and when I beg him to stop talking down to me cuz it makes me want to die he says shut up your not gonna do nothing you've been saying that for months but your to scared to kill yourself. I feel the worst for my 10 yr old cuz he doesn't have his dad in his life and no grandparents I'm all he really has so that's what keeps me alive.
I've been married for over 3 years now but been with my husband for almost 5 years. I left him just this past January but like most of you, I went back after he said he would change and go to counseling. Well, he did goto counseling but quite after going 4 or 5 times. He is verbally abusive but most of all he love to belittle me and make me feel stupid....he does this atleast once if not twice every single day! I walk on egg shells around him. My daughter is in college and is now engaged and my husband will flip out if my daughter comes home and brings her fiance with her and my husband is not home. He claims he doesn't want anybody in his house while he's not home and I say it's just my daughter and her fiance. He is controlling, possessive, mean, and makes me cry pretty much everyday. I have recently learned that he treated his ex wife the same way....she filed for divorce is 2010. I can't handle this, I've always been such a cool, happy, full of life person. Everyone wants to hang out with me because of my energy and being the life bod the party. I have not been able to hang out or go out with any of my friends in almost 5 years! My husband always say go out then, stop acting like I keep you home. I know what my night would be like, constant text messages containing slandering remarks, and rude name calling. The next day will be accusations of me shaking my butt I front of guys for attention and then comes the cheating. I can't deal, my daughter in college is so stressed out for me she can barely concentrate and she is going for her LPN so her classes are not easy. I feel just awful because of that. I can be making dinner and start crying, doing laundry and start crying, Watchung tv and start crying. Who does this to a person they claim they Love. He has exiled me from my friends, and tries to from.my family but I won't give in to that! What a monster. I will leave agian here in a few months (after I save a little money) and I will not come back. I refuse to live what time I have left on earth in hell....I just turned 40 and I know this is not what God has planned for me! #thisismyfightsong
Personal abuse - "you're fat and ugly" etc., is unacceptable. But getting pissed-off and telling your lazy, dead-beat wife to get a job instead of complaining that there's not enough money (even though you're in the top 5% of income earners), seems more than justified to me. Some people are disagreeable piss-takers and deserve to be pulled up on it. If that is "abuse", then do is being a parasite.
Wow. "Grumpy" seems a suitable name to use for that comment. Sounds like a divorce is in order. If she's such a "lazy dead-beat" who refuses to get a job, then you don't need that "parasite." Set her free.
Lost self....and those after her. Ive been in same situation to the T. Last night was final straw I think its over now. 5 years....constant tossing me out at night in the streets, constant blaming me...you cannot talk to him he gets furious. The slightest thing sets him off. Constant break ups and as soon as I go few days later normal as can be. It is draining me to the core. I have lost weight I do not eat. Whatever I would put on the table lets go for coffee or so is stupid. I am stupid. My clothes are old and stupid. If I cry, then be told stop being such a baby. So yeah, I cannot do this anymore, I just cannot. This from a grown man 54 years old...I discovered he did the same with his ex wife and other girlfriends as well. No, I think its over, as I for first time last night spoke up and told him he is a HORRIBLE person.
I have been living with a narcissist. Married for 18 years and last 3 have been hell. He hasn't worked for the last 3 months and has no desire to find employment. He has become involved in what i consider a pyramid scheme and says that is his work-calling people to try and get them to join. Whenever i mention getting a job, he screams at me that he has one but he is not contributing to the house. He may do a load of laundry a day but he doesn't clean or pick up after himself. I come home from working 12 hours a day and have to pick up, do dishes, feed dogs, etc while he sits on his computer. I have left 2 times and both time he promises to change and doesn't. When things don't go his way, he screams at me, calls me names, and tells me what a waste i am. I work anywhere from 60-80 hrs a week and am exhausted in every way possible. I do love him but i resent him so much right now. He gets mad if i don't want to have sex with him but anymore it 's all about what he wants and why should i reward him if he isn't doing anything for me. I am at my wits end. He sold a couple of things that made us some money and now he went out and spent most of that money on other things for himself. I wanted to pay a couple of bills...be an adult. He was on dating sites for awhile and he just last week cancelled them. But i don't trust him. He gets mad that i work so much but to maintain our lifestyle, i have to. I really want to leave but feel like such a failure walking away after 20 years. But then by not leaving i feel like i am letting myself down for not being strong.
One more thing though - the best advice I can give anyone who is trying to leave is pretend that you are a secret agent and that your abuser is literally trying to kill you even if he has never actually threatened that or physically abused you. You have to have the right mindset in order to carry through with what you need to do because believe me, it isn't easy. You have to be "underhanded", and "lie" and other behaviors that normally are not advised in a marriage or a relationship of any sort, really. But if you are in a relationship with an abuser, all bets are off. You have to accept that you must sneak and make sure he doesn't know that you are hiding money and clothes and have a get away plan. You have to act normal around him so that he doesn't get the whiff of freedom coming from you. Do not confront him with your plan under any circumstance. He may act cool or he may blow his top but remember that information is power and if you have the information about your plans and he does not, that gives you power. And honey, you need power when you are dealing with someone like these men described here. Don't let anyone tell you that you are a "control freak" because they don't even know what a control freak is until they meet a man like you have had to deal with. Be your own best friend and also remember that those kids are yours to protect because what do you think will happen if you leave but not with the kids? That's right - the kids will become the ones that get yelled at, belittled, and otherwise destroyed emotionally. Fight for yourself and for your kids but make him think everything is totally normal. As much as you would love so much to see him intimidated for once, don't tell him your plans. And for those that say he is nice 90% of the time and only 10% is he awful - what if the 90% of the time is just him acting and the 10% is his true self that you are seeing?
hello all ! I am here to let everyone know that it is possible to get away and it is possible to find love again. I am proof. I won't say living proof because who knows, by the time you read this, maybe I'll be dead because my ex will have shot me down on the front steps. I hate to say it so casually but let's face it ladies, it is always a risk. These guys that are verbally abusive turn physically abuse quicker than you realize and sometimes by the time you realize what happens, it is too late. So, am I happy now? Yes. Am I forever paranoid and have PTSD even though I have yet to find a physician who will acknowledge it? Yes. My fiance has PTSD from being a veteran and the doctors fall all over themselves to prescribe him meds to help him sleep or stay calm but me? Nope. They are willing to prescribe Ambien but guess what I just found out? Ambien increases your chances of a heart attack by 50%. In the toilet with those poison pills ! ANYway, I'm rambling because my ex has thrown me into a terror/panic attack and I'm just trying to calm down. But bottom line, there is love after abuse but I will not ever let my guard down again. Maybe it will keep me alive.
For Ann (Jan2016), I am in the same boat as you and unfortunately it's the second time around and again with young children involved. He helped save me from my ex and 4-7yrs later he's doing the same thing just not threatening with physical violence. I am so used to being called a cu*t on a daily basis it's not funny. I can't interrupt him (he plays iPad games 24/7), meals have to be cooked to his standard and his way, I can't cuddle the kids after they get in trouble but he can, I can't buy them anything or go anywhere except the local park with them, nothing of his can be touched and if the girls do it's my fault (I should say now that EVERYTHING's my fault). I'm the only worker and get paid well but how I function I don't know. It's switch on at home, switch off at work-unless he rings me to carry on about something he can't find or other irrelevant crap. I do all the housework, the kids when I'm at home (as soon as I walk through the door) and I'm trying to study. I was just made redundant and am now trying to do selection criteria's while interrupted by kids (2&4) while he sleeps. He is already on a dvo by my 17yr old daughter but breaks this every day with his verbal abuse. She was kicked out. He's always kicking me out too so he can claim centrelink as a single parent and get the money while sitting back on the iPad. I refuse to go. BUT I am covertly 'cleaning' the house and sorting stuff, boxing everything into the 'spare' room for when it's time to leave - which will be very soon. Good luck with your attempt at custody buddy - with that record and the dvo I don't like your chances...
My husband tells me I'm fat all the time. I don't work out enough, I'm lazy, unorganized, stupid, confused, I look and act like a chicken with it's head cut off, etc. He made me, without him I would be nothing, etc. Today, he went off on me for getting ready to take our daughter to mathnasium, because she asked to go on Saturday instead of Friday. She plays tennis, which was his choice, but he is upset because I have her in so many lessons and group lessons, which he thinks is a waste of time. We are doing a home remodel, I'm in charge of paperwork, going to city hall, phone calls, paying, etc. He works as a professional, so he always swears he has no time to do anything, but he has usually on average about one to two hours of "free time" during the day to call me, or ask me to go to his office to "hang out", because he loves being with me....except for when I do something wrong, then he tells me that he is starting to not love me anymore. Everytime we go out, he 90% of the time tells me how I'm unattractive, or too fat, or embarrassing and completely derails our "nice evening". He tells me I'm unorganized, because I am always busy, saying that I don't do things smartly. He says that he has to do everything for me, including plan my day... but he really doesn't even help me with the simplest things. I'm ranting, this just happened. It really ruined the weekend, my day, the kid's day... I am so afraid to leave him, because if he gives me hell like this now, how will he be when I do leave him. I have a professional degree, but haven't worked since my daughter was born, nine years ago! That too, was his decision, so our kids have mom home, they will grow up better. I don't even know what to do, but I am so tired. I am just tired of feeling miserable. And.... all the justifications he gives me, as to why he says these things, and why he is right, and I am so difficult, and I am so wrong... it just cuts me down to the core. My stomach hurts, I feel weak; I mean, it really physically hurts to be with him, and yet, here I am in our room typing this out on his computer... It's pathetic! I remember myself as strong willed, and I am.... just not with him. He knows all the words, knows how to wound... I just can't fight anymore. If it weren't for my children, I'd kill myself, because he won't even let me leave... he hates me, but then never wants me to go. I feel like if I died, it would just end it... no pain, no loss, nothing. I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Hi ihave been with my partner for 5 year the past 3 year he hass been an absalute night mare hes all ways trying to bring me down wee could have a silly argument a bout sumthing so stupid it dousent even make sence and he will start calling me name like ure just a whore ure dirt u cant do nuthing right u need me to do every thing for u ure good for nuthing if u leve me u will be a lonley old woman with nuthing or no 1 i will get married have kids be happy hes all ways throing the fact that i cant have kids in my face i feal like if i leve him he could be right iam not the strongest off persone but i do try to keep my head held up in front off uthers when realy it feals like he is killing what ever bit off happenes and energy i have left wen i tell him a bout it he says i dnt mean all that thing u just make me angery then 2 days later its the same thing i have tride leaving bk to my perents then he will fone and be like the man i fell in love with till he gets me bk then it just repeats all over agean and its all ways my fault never his he douse nuthing rong in his eyes i realy dont no wat to do no more ?
I'm hurting. He is a monster. He just flips out.. Hit me once but has been destructive Its not always bad but he really scared me tonight. I don't know what to do. Its happened a lot . but it stupid because I love him. He always says I pushed him to the point
Abusers make all of their sins YOUR fault. You cannot force him to be violent - that is HIS choice. And it is a choice - he could leave for awhile to cool down or listen to music until he's ready to talk... but he doesn't. He chooses to scare you, to be violent with you.
He's choosing to scare you so you're afraid of him AND of leaving him. http://thehotline.org - visit that site.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he mentally abuses me everyday he has yelled at my mom my dad and aunt several times he tells me who I can and can't talk to he screams in my face then blames every argument on me there isn't a name he hasn't called me when I cry he yells at me and tells me to stop every time we have sex he always says it could be better why am I still with him everytime I tell him I'm going to break up with him I take it back why can't I break up with him WHY
Hello I took the courage to post my comment too after all the stories I have read which I can relate to. I am 29 and a lawyer, I am educated presentable and engaged to my verbally abusing fiancé for 1,5 months, to get married in 4 months. Signs were there all along , he was always an introvert, uptight, poker face person with no light moments. It felt wrong from the very beginning but the whole handsome successful serious and relationship material profile kept me going . I grew up in an unhealthy environment myself, witnessing my parents constant name calling and fighting from as far as I can remember . Maybe this has changed my perception of what is acceptable in a relationship.
The initial signs of verbal abuse did not take long to appear. Constant criticism, name calling , belittling , trying to make me feel worthless without him, constant accusations about my family, trying to make me feel helpless and dependent on him although I was earning as much as he did , wrongful accusations to the point I was thinking he was talking about someone else (bad with money, bad with housework, not caring about the house, not sharing common expenses which were completely untrue) . He also had a very weird relationship with his mother (he has had a hard childhood, being abandoned by his father with minimum contact and grew up as an only child by an insecure, psychotic mother who has never recovered from her divorce) with constant guilt being used by her towards him and us as a couple due to the fact that she lives alone in another town and we had to visit her every Saturday which used to cause me tremendous pressure and stress, not being able to decide for my own schedule on weekends.
Our relationship was always hard to cope with, constant efforts, fighting to the point where I was embarrassed from neighbors to see me afterwards , it was generally hard. Walking on eggshells was my life , and imagine I was a strong , self sustained and educated woman . I can’t understand why did I ever put up with this . Being with him was simply hard .
My abuser had the image of mr perfect to our close environment. Loving , caring , always helping with the housework, being relationship material. Even in private he was very loving with me when he wanted . I was even told by many female friends that they would wish for their husband to be more like mine. He would simply be another person in public . When I finally broke my silence and confided the details to friends and family they thought I was referring to someone else. Another thing that made me dispute my judgment even more .
We got engaged last year and he forbid me to discuss anything about the wedding till when he said so. Two months later he hurt me with his words saying he despised me , I made him sick etc until one day we had an argument about something stupid and he asked for the ring back and kicked me out of the house . Living with him under the same roof was a constant struggle : not only did I have to put up with his bad character , I was kicked out of the house millions of times until my insecurities took a toll on me. I left him on that day and he begged me to go back . I did go then (I was only engaged for 2 months) but was emotionally numb, full of hate and disappointment, unable to try for this relationship. Still I couldn’t go. This feeling never went away .
A few months earlier , I decided to change into a new job. The impact on my psychology was rather bad as I am terrible with change and I was slightly depressed for a few months . He decided he could not stand me , he threatened to leave me and he could not be around me because of all the stress I created . He decided to sleep on the couch for 2 months as he couldn’t be anywhere near me. Let alone the constant name calling on how unworthy I was for feeling this way , how I messed up his life and our lives by being depressed about my work and how he could not tolerate me. We finally had a huge fight for an irrelevant reason where he threw all of my belongings in the corridor and started screaming at me to get out, threw me a whole bottle of water in my face , tried to lock me in the room and was pushing me hard against the wall ( I am very petite and he is a very big guy- that didn’t stop him from laying his hands on me) . I didn’t leave but couldn’t live with myself after all this . Not only did he give me zero support when I needed him but he also made things harder for me . His ability to make a person feel better is simply non existent. A few days later he demonstrated similar behaviors when I Complained because he was very rude on me on the phone (told me to ‘kick my brain off’ because I was busy while talking to him and he lost patience) so he told me to go to the room as he couldn’t stand me and that he would make me sleep on the couch . I decided to leave him once again. I was feeling very wrong to have someone treat me this way. I came to my parents house for a few days and he begged me to go back . I did go back just to find out his only intention was to threaten me to quit my job or else he would abandon me. He even had his bags packed when I went to ‘discuss’. I absolutely denied , he implied that the root to all of our problems was my job and that he couldn’t be with me while I was there. He said he would support me but I simply said no (been working since 21 , fully self sustained and I was not willing to be financially dependent from a guy who said I was not contributing when I was paying half the rent and expenses plus a guy that kicked me out practically every month). He threatened and insisted for 5 long hours where he got me to a point where I couldn’t wait for him to leave . He did leave but that of course wasn’t the end to my problems . Constant texting , psychological pressure while I was at work and many more , got me to a point where I could not operate and I was told off by my superior for not meeting up his expectations at work. I took him back and I still don’t know why. He clearly can’t change and I clearly can’t try. Of course , we had another fight after that because of the fact that he decided he doesn’t like my parents as they turned their back against me when I was having job troubles . That isn’t true . I felt I couldn’t take any longer . Out final fight was all I could take and all to make me realize he could never change . We were having all this trouble due to his behavior (I do take responsibility for my reactions for work) and he still insisted on creating more problems when he promised he would change . He even said he was willing to try counselling (promised the same last year but didn’t go) but I really don’t thing he is a position to understand what he is doing wrong let alone fix it . I am also powerless to try . I am drained . I do have feelings but he killed most of them. I am now at my parents once again and I told him I am calling the wedding off and want us to separate. He doesn’t accept it; he says all is my fault for not trying to leave things behind me since last year. Truth is I was so angry and hurt I couldn’t. He thinks this is no excuse. I am in a dead end . I have his deadlines to cope with (have to give a final answer by tomorrow) plus the wedding stress (meaning call it off) and I cannot even trust myself anymore that I can make the right decision. I feel that I have lost faith in myself so much that I can’t even decide what’s best for me. Guilt is also an issue for not trying since last year . I do know I deserve better . I earn a very good salary, I am pretty, young educated and a good person and I really can’t figure out what is wrong with me and why can’t I just stop this sick and toxic relationship. A part of me blames myself for not trying and another part simply screams get away, it will get worse. Help!!!!!
It's been almost three months since I left the man who verbally abused me throughout the last two years of our five+ year relationship. While it's strangely 'comforting' to realize I was not/am not alone, it is of course equally heartbreaking to know that the cycle indeed will continue in other relationships.
As I read and learn more about the evil that is called (verbal) abuse which had to endure, I thrilled to finally be able to validate, even if only to myself, that perhaps it actually WASN'T in my head after all.
And that I WASN'T pretending to be confused by his words "simply because I was being a 'dumbass'".
And I learned that I WASN'T being 'too sensitive' when his evil words hurt me to my very soul. Or a crybaby.
And I also learned that NO, Jimmy you were WRONG to tell me that if I 'just did what you're told, I wouldn't have to get so pissed at you'. It STILL didn't prevent you from subjecting me to yet the many hours' long verbal assault i endured. You'd still find reason to be angry and tell yourself it was YOUR right to attack me verbally... and it would still be 'my' fault.
I learned also, the many hours I tried oh, so very hard, to logically discuss the situation with you in a cautious, calm and reasonable manner simply in order to explain my point of view WASN'T listened to by you, WASN'T cared for by you and NEVER would have made any difference to you. No matter how much I tried to tell you how your words hurt me. No matter how much I hoped with my whole heart that you might realize that there are other, better ways of resolving conflict, especially with someone you said you 'loved'.
And one day, I when I finally realized that no matter how you might have once loved me, you in fact, were NOT my prince charming, you were NOT my knight in shining armor, and you were NEVER the man you pretended to be. You were only a sad, sad pathetic man who didn't know any better then to bully people to get your way; rather than having a rational discussion and actually being able to help SOLVE problems.
You THOUGHT you were too good to ever say 'I'm sorry'. And so you never said it.
Once I finally left (and heck, even as recent as THIS week... omg really?), you'd send messages; you'd say to me how glad you were I was gone and that you never married me ONE day, but then send messages telling me that 'my whole life is falling apart without you' the very NEXT.
I learned, too that YOUR selfish refusal to compromise as well as your lack of concern for any consequence, person, friendship, relationship, etc NEVER meant so much to you that you were motivated you to simply TRY. But you had no interest.
You weren't willing to entertain the idea that you were NOT always right, that there are different ways to get a point across besides yelling and insulting, alternative ways to communicate besides shouting and being degrading; I had always looked forward to the day when you began to think about the other person's feelings in a relationship and make them a priority.
I waited so long for you to decide you finally cared enough about our relationship to want to work together and for the both of us to emotionally grow; as well learn more effective ways of communication.
You never careed enough, however. Now my life is mine and I am 1300 miles from you and free; at last I am safely from the evil, hate and rage you carry within your very heart and soul.
Ah... but I know how you think Jimmy, let's not forget that.
And knowing you like I do, it's quite possible you may even try to convince yourself (and others) that you were in the right all along and I should have simply listened to you and none of this would ever have happened; or perhaps was simply *I* who was not worth any efforts on your part with which we could have used to repair our relationship;, you perhaps even see yourself as 'blameless' and can 'justify' laying the blame completely at my feet; of course, you might also be able to halfway convince YOURSELF that you believe this to be true and thereby adjudicating and absolving your soul of any and all guilt and accountability.
It won't work for long though will it Jimmy? bBcause we both know the true facts as they happened.
Own YOUR part in this, as well as YOUR mistakes.
Work through them, learn from them and never, ever, ever repeat them.
It's been almost three months since I left the man who verbally abused me throughout the last two years of our five+ year relationship. While it's strangely 'comforting' to realize I was not/am not alone, it is of course equally heartbreaking to know that the cycle indeed will continue in other relationships.
As I read and learn more about the evil called (verbal) abuse which had to endure, I thrilled to finally be able to validate, even if only to myself, that it actually WASN'T in my head after all.
And that I WASN'T
My husband and I have parted ways today. He's always angry. He always complains. He is verbally and mentally abusive. Gaslighting.....everything is my fault. Stuff he said berating me then says he never said it. he never apologizes and yells at me like a wild animal. I feel pretty bad but I know he is abusing me. I don't want my nine year old to learn these behaviors. He will never change and I can't love him enough to change him. Also, he uses financial control to control me. I have no job but I hope I will soon.
There’s nothing more hurtful than words. We all have hearts but some really need to think before they say things because you are unable to take those things away.
The day started as normal, getting up making coffee and lunch. Work went well but when the day is over there is always someone waiting to hurt you even if they love you. In my perspective is that if you love someone don’t verbally abuse them with hurtful words because it is the exact same thing as judging a book by its cover as well as bullying. Bullying these days can get out of control. Different types of bullying, no matter what the situation is, you need to admit it to yourself that you are a bully.
If you are older than a person that is younger than them, don’t disrespect them because like they say,
“The wheel always turn”
It is like a rotation cycle that happens every once a month. We have our bad habits for the month, man or woman but to show some respect and faith then that will make one person’s life a little bit better.
Don’t live on the negative things in life because there’s always positive opportunities available with a little bit of thought.
I am a young woman living in a world where there is hate and crime. But since I was young my mother taught me manners in a way that was strong because she learned that from her mother.
If you have been with someone for a long time and they complete your heart, just don’t let them smash your heart into a million pieces because to be able to rebuild that puzzle is difficult.
Being able to build that trust with someone is hard but losing it can happen really quickly. It is really easy to trust someone but trusting the wrong person will make you lose faith in someone that you believe in.
I feel different emotions to everything around me, it’s entirely easy to dislike someone. I struggle on a daily basis but complaining about money problems every moment of your life can make you go into depression. Driving yourself to drink everyday of your life is making your body unhealthy. I have seen from my own experiences what alcohol can do to one self and it is not nice. You might be twenty eight years of age but on the outside you feel fifty years old and your skin starts to age more rapidly.
Today started as a good day. No pressure or tension in the air. The air is warm as the warm air brushes over my face I start too notice the sweat already dripping down my forehead at 07:10am. As I am walking towards work, I stand and wait for the office to be open. I knew today was going to be a good day. The day was a bit quiet with a few things to do here and there but no hassle was in front of me. The day got hotter and even more warmer in the afternoon.
One pm came around and I was off for a driving lesson. We did three point turn, reverse and driving back to work. As I returned back to the office, there was a bit of work for me to do.
Tick tock and the day finally came to an end and I was more than happy to go home. I had patiently waited for you to come and fetch me but luckily I never waited long. It took us probably about an hour to get home with all the traffic but we reached home safely.
I know to you it seems as if I don’t listen but you need to understand that I do but hurting me and be very sarcastic is really mean. Yes I understand this is your house and you pay for everything but reminding me every day is making it to me feel like I am not welcome in your home.
I am honestly at a point where I don’t care if you like me or not but I also don’t care what mean things you say to me or about me.
2 year relationship. I moved in with him after 4 months. Going through life changes, my Teenage Sons moved in with their Dad . It made since at the time to move in. He and I both Drink., At first I liked that he didn't complain about me having a nightly glass or bottle of wine... He didn't complain because He drank a 12 pack of corona every night. everything was fine.., until I started asking about the future.. he never wanted to talk, and so I became a nag. this always was the start of each fight. The fighting and name calling got out of hand, I do not want to blame him. I would ask a question such as when can we sit down and look at houses? ( because we were and still are living in an apartment and the lease is was coming to an end. he told every neighbor as he sat outside on the patio,.. YEAH WERE OUTTA OF HERE WHEN THEV LEASE IS UP THIS PLACE HAS GONE TO S***) so me, being a woman of course I want to sit down and talk about where and when we are moving. Just the Question provoked, HUUUUHHHHG Get out of here ! leave me alone, and I would continue complaining and the name calling and then he would start the hands on pushing shaking me never punching me, but would ball his fist up and shake it so close to my face. I learned I couldn't talk to him.. but it got worse. it seemed no matter what I said, it would set him off. I went into the bedroom and got in bed one night, he was asleep, he woke up screaming kicking me and pushing me out of the bed then taking all the blankets off the bed and going to the kitchen got a pot of water and turn the light on in the bedroom and screamed .. I do not even remember what he screamed. I have a framed picture with the quote, NEVER LET YESTERDAY USE UP TODAY. I try to live by this. do to my past this has been hard for me. so I have now am pretty good at letting things go and forgiving. He never says he is sorry. and if I bring anything up which I do not often because its not worth it, he says I do not remember. I remember everything. I moved out in August, things had gotten terrible. we kept seeing each other. We set a wedding date.I moved back in December, everything was fine for about a week.When I asked him are you sure we are getting married on March 19th 2016. he got mad and said F you. I have changed the way I react to him. Now I tell him You can not talk to me like that. he gets mad and ignores me. Since I have moved back in all of the following have taken place. name calling. pushing, ignoring. he has called me an asshole, cunt, bitch, stupid, idiot, just like your mother, you cant pay for anything, ( that is because I quit my job when I moved back in so we could spend weekends together, thinking this would make our relationship better. I am a hair stylist so I have worked almost every weekend since we have been dating. .. Anyhow, Long Story Short, I broke my lease to move back with him. I got my job back and start Tuesday, I want out. This is a mistake,. I love him I wish he would say he is sorry and tell me how much he loves me. I know better than this. I can not change him. but this sucks but , I have 2 legs 2 arms, and it could be worse, I can get over this man and I will. I know God has someone who will love me even if I ask him a question that comes across to be nagging.
My boyfriend for 4 years (father of my son. Has become very verbally abusive. He tells me to do some sit UPS & shave my back and sideburns make myself look like an actual woman. It's hurts my feelings really bad. Sometimes he will say mean things then apologize right after. He calls me stupid and that I'm a little girl. everytime I come acrossed a problem with him. He puts everything back on me. Making fun of where I work. Tells me I need an adult job. Sometimes I question myself with why I stay, its been harder to leave especially with having a son with him. He's 10 years older than me I wonder if that has anything to do with it
For me I think it's a combination of literally being in denial that I'm married to someone like this and continuing to allow myself to get drawn back in when I'm ready to call it quits. I'm always second guessing myself now so that doesn't help either. My confidence is shot. I want to get the hell out of here. If I knew this is how it would be I would have ran for the high hills. There were no "red flags" or If there was I didn't see them. I'm so jealous of what seems like everyone else I know in their loving happy and safe relationships. Reality has hit hard and I'm realizing I have no clue what being loved feels like. I'm starting to get bitter. There's kids involved here too and the longer I stay with this fool the more I hate myself for letting this all happen. I feel like I'm just another statistic, living what I've learned from my parents. And if I don't do something about this fast, my kids will very likely end up the same. I can't tell you how much I wish I had documented all that's happened over the years. I'm dreading the nasty custody battle that he has promised will go down if I try to leave. I've never felt so trapped in my life as I do now.
My ex boyfriend ( my kids dad) will not leave- previously he has had knifes broken glass up to my throat, i let him stay for 1 night as he was homeless and he will not leave even though he has somewhere to go now- he always puts me down, i have not tidied the house well enough even though i spent all morning cleaning, the washing up is not all done, the worktop is still wet from when i cleaned it, there is a cup in the living room- he winged over every thing and when i try and stick up for myself he shouts at the top of his voice he has got to do everything and i am a lazy worthless bitch and other mean words and chucks plates and cups accross the room which scares me because what he used to be like punching kicking intimidating behavior.
Hi my husband ,if I text him about something he tells me don't bother him and he does not want to see me for the rest of the year also ,when I tell him something about cheating with little girls he tells me I am dreaming these things up and it's not true when I have proof.
I live with a narcissist, a misogynistic, an egotistical, insecure individual. Two sides to every story of course but I mince words rarely: The verbal and periodical (pathetic) attempts at physical abuse verge on the edge. He's incredibly successful in his field - on a global level - which is admirable yet he is so very damaged emotionally and when stress hits, he reacts by taking it out on me. The only way to deal with this type if able financially is to stay well away and refuse to accept any shit. It helps to be proficient in martial arts. Every day is a nightmare, listening to his constant complaints as is common with this type of personality. I understand this is the way he communicates. I choose to ignore his negativity and rebuke him every time he basically talks to me as if I'm an employee. I agree with him on most every point to keep the peace, basically scoff at his attempts to draw me into his drama. Stay strong, everyone, in this situation. Gas-lighting a common occurrence. Stuff disappears. Shows up in unexpected places. Best to not react. This type is looking for drama, turning everything around to blame, as narcissists do; using caustic "humor" to harm another as in his casually delivered to this writer earlier today, a 5'2, 110 lb. toned gym rat, "you're too big on top; you look like a linebacker." I responded as one learns to do after hearing daily abuse, "Thank you darling!" His response: "It wasn't a compliment." "I took it as one, love, thank you!" He wasn't amused. Usually his angst is against me, turning the kids against, et cetera. as it has been this last decade in my second marriage with a flawed yet brilliant man. I'd leave, yet I l truly love the sod. His own mother thanks me for staying with him. And where would I go? Even with the means to leave, as I do, it's just too much of a bother with so many rescue animals at hand, kids in college. I'd rather battle this bully despite the stress. He shan't drag me down. Full stop. He knows this and it irritates him to no end. Despite the advice to "get the hell out" from the therapist a few years ago, I am staying despite his efforts to push me away ... even as he swears his love for me. I don't believe. I don't trust. He's lied to me from the get go. I trust my dogs more. Rant over.
Your story and attitude regarding your husband are the closest I’ve seen to mine. My husband is insanely charismatic and successful and has a zillion employees underneath him, as he runs an entire region of a very large, well-known corporation.....so he fancies himself a brilliant God of sales and marketing and the mentor to all of his emoloyees, whom would be completely flabbergasted if they saw the monster beneath the mask who regularly flips out on his wife, for inexplicable slights that are imagined or completely out-of-left-field. How the Hell did I get here? What have I done to myself? I feel like a shadow of the woman I was - just 7 years ago. The gaslighting is UNREAL. He will say something horrible, and 5 seconds later, say that he never said that and I’m a “crazy, bipolar bitch” and a “lying c#?*t” and that EVERYONE thinks that of me....but that no one wants to tell me the truth. I’m sitting in my car in a parking lot, too aftaid to go home because I don’t want to have a verbal bashing begin the minute I walk in. What the heck happened to the amazing man I met who was so kind and supportive and thought I was funny and talented and couldn’t say enough positive things about me? I literally sit and try to figure out when the switch flipped and he decided that he hates everything about me that he used to say that he loved. No point- I know.....but it’s just so crazy when I think about where I was emotionally and mentally when I met him, and where I am now. I wonder if maybe there is truth to what he says sometimes..... I rarely leave the house except to get my son to and from school and doctor appointments and things like that....and my husband is out and about all day, running his zillion facilities. I feel so isolated. I know you probably will not see this comment...I just wanted to message anyway. There. It’s out there now. I can’t say this stuff to anyone else in my world....I’m so embarrassed that THIS is my life and that my husband has said and done horrendous, degrading things to me....and I allowed it and didn’t leave. People’s jaws would hit the floor if they only knew. Are you still with your husband? It’s been a couple of years since your post, so maybe you finally had enough?
I feel like I cant talk to my husband about issues that I would like to bring up for fear that he will just get angry and end up in a fight. He never just sits and listens to what I have to say and contemplate why Im saying what Im saying. He will usually interupt and want "proof" of everything. I dont feel valued or trusted. He doesnt spend time talking with me when he does its always about politics , never about issues at home,, I dont like the way he berates and belittles our kids. useing put downs and insults. He gets angry very easily. I am tired of not having any one to talk to or turn to . I dont feel like I can turn to him for fear of making him angry.
This is exactly my husband to a T. Everyday he has to find something to argue about. Maybe it's the spot I left my purse, or that I didn't make his coffee strong enough. But mostly it's about how he treats the kids. He wants them to clean, he screams at them and threatens them." I'm going to punch your stomach if you don't do this." I stand in the middle and say you do NOT say this to my kids. He then will call my psycho and tell me that I'm the one who is ruining the kids lives. Makes faces at me and tries to imitate me talking. It makes me so angry and usually I'm running to my room crying. He refuses to leave the house ever. Lazy, won't fix or clean the house up. Leaves dishes and cans of soda all over the place. We have been in counceling for a few months. Each time I go with him he claims he's going to change and that he loves me, etc. however things never change. When I bring up things like the councelor said this, he's quick to say he did not, and I'm maki g up fantasies or that's not what the councelor meant.im frustrated and angry. I resent even meeting him and having children with him.
Hi am I been reading thru all these bad things and am going thu the same at the min just woundering what people shud think I cud do please
I think when words are exchanged between people and these words are of a malice nature with intent to hurt then it's pretty obvious that it's abuse. Telling someone to ease up on a particular behaviour is not necessarily abusive but if you throw some personal slings in there it can be. Your putting that person down while your telling them to shape up. Not having someone's best interests at heart while advocating for their behaviours to change or be addressed eg depression mental illness etc can be cause for an assumption of abuse. It's very easily defined one from the other. Just take into consideration the intent. It's either for help or harm. I think we are all adult enough to really deep down spot the difference.
I have hurt people's feelings by telling them their constant complaining and fault finding was dragging me down and making me not want to spend time with them. That doesn't make me abusive. At the same time, people have hurt my feelings by saying that they thought I needed to go on medication because my depression/anxiety was getting out of control. There is a big difference between talking down to someone and belittling them and confronting them on their actions/behavior. Just because you have hurt feelings doesn't necessarily mean you are being abused. If someone is calling you names and putting you down, that is a totally different story. That is abusive.
Verbal abuse and setting limits with people and confronting them on their bad behavior, ect. are def not the same thing. I realize each situation is different, but some of these statements are dicey and a fine line and others are clearly verbal abuse. There have been times in my life where people had to be tough with me in a reasonable way and times I had to be tough and confront others. I think we live in a world where we expect everyone to go along with whatever we want to do, say, have.....and any deviation from that or any confrontation is seen as "mean" or "abusive." I went through true, real abuse and it is not fun to put in mildly. Not getting your way or someone refusing to tolerate your constant negativity/complaining has been called abuse by some. It's not. We need to be kind to one another but we also need to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Just because someone has called you out on something you do that you need to change, and then you feel badly or bad about yourself, that does not mean you are being abused. It can be very complicated and dicey is what I am saying.
I don't think it's that complicated at all. If someone typically hurts your feelings (or your body) when you're with him or her, then the behavior is abusive.
Constant verbal abuse making me feel inadequate....im working partner isnt and stays at his home 24/7 expecting me to always go to his... he has finacial probs and always makes excuses why we dont go out even if its for a walk....when I spend time with him and after buying shopping and cooking his meals he finds fault with everything I do....I recently had an operation which has made me put on a little weight.. he uses this and when we have words he says he doesnt go out with big women and calls me a fat cxxt!!! My size is 14 but have tummy probs...I am happy with me and work but when he starts on me I feel so inadequate and confidence drops...ive done everything to support him in his bad times but im now feeling why do I bother.....but for some strange reason I cant walk away...we been together 3 yrs we are a mature couple...I have my own house job...he lives alone with no job money!!! How can I walk away without feeling guilty of abandoning him when he needs me....he has pushed family and friends away
I have tried detachment. He says he's not done yelling at me until I cry because I'm not learning my lesson. I think of my dog dying and cry. I just saw how abusers can twist things and victim blame. He tells me it's all my fault. I just can't talk because everything I say upsets him. He twists everything. I have 14 yrs of absurd stories of things that have made him scream and berate me. I'm disabled and stuck. He also says if I leave he will kill himself and he can blackmail me in a way that will ruin my life, even though not true. I don't understand how anyone can be that cruel. I think he enjoys how he can push me around verbally and emotionally and then get me to say I was wrong and comfort him.
P.S.S. He says I am paranoid, but whenever i believe him, i was right to be paranoid, and convinced myself otherwise, because he said so. Oh, one more thing, "it's all my fault he cannot retire. If I was still working, then he could quit." DG brings it up almost nightly
I am still in my 35 year physically, verbally, emotionally abusive relationship. After reading ALL 284 POSTS, I realize that now, I have become the abuser/victim and he is abuser/victim. I do believe THAT started the da I decided I was not taking anymore of his shit, and I refused to ever apologize again for anything I did not do, just to make HIM feel better. I also told him, we would never call me an effing c u next tuesday, ever again. Or any other name. (Apparently, insane, crazy, fucking insane, fucking crazy are not bad names, YES THEY ARE, and that will stop.
I also explained to him that I was going to do what ever I wanted to do. That's what he does. Why is it ok for him, but not for me? It is not. And last but not least, EVERYTHING HE DOES TO ME, I WILL DO TO HIM. AND I HAVE. and he has learned what it feels like. When he learns this, lesson over, and we move on. Things are better than they were, a lot better, but WHEN HE GETS DRUNK (5nights out of seven) he starts in on me. He is osomeone else. I call him DG. (drunk guy) DG is MEAN, and violent, and hateful, resentful, disgusting mother effer. we go at it. doors mirrors wallls smashed, thrown on the floor screamed at punched once, punched at :100 x's Now, all of a sudden, he's very very sweet and nice and helpful and charming and blah blah blah, and instead of liking it, I am VERY NERVOUSE and concerned about it. WHY? Why all of a sudden. ANd I mean 360 degree flip, people. what do you think he is up to. NEVER BEEN THIS SWEET IN 35 YEARS. I am suspicious...but then again, I am crazy insane. He said I was. it must be true, because he never lies or does anything wrong, ever. You see why I am suspicious.
OH OH AND HE wants a name of a counselor that can help him "with mw" oh, and for him. Very anxious about getting a number of someone to "help" What do you ladies and gentlemen think?
P.S. I am in heart failure from all the stress. and he has not taken good care of me at all. as you can see above, yes these incidents are while I have been quite ill, I also have severe major depression, high anxiety panic attacks, (add adhd, non medicated, can you tell??;D) COPD, CARDIOMYOPATHY, CARDIOMEGALY, REYNAUDS< RSD, Carpal Tunnel, Perpheral neuropathy, OSTEoporosis like an 80 yr old woman (54) and DJD, and TA DA!.....My spine is collapsing and crushing me with much pain and i refuse pain pills. I have lost 4 inches in my height in 2 years.
so back to the suspicious behavior? TELL ME.............eagerly awaiting to hear what you have to say... Thank you so much for listening/reading
I can't get into your husband's head to know what he is thinking. However, this sounds like an effort to "keep the peace" until he can figure out how to get to you again. He doesn't want you to leave him (abusers never do).
When he starts in again (and he will), it will be a surprise to you, just as it was in the beginning. 35 years of ugliness doesn't change overnight. Even with therapy, he would mess up now and again. He is ALWAYS in control of his emotions, or at least the emotions he shows to you. Being "sweet" is no different from being ugly. But he needs to keep you around until he figures out new ways to torture you.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could thrown him.