Borderline Dissociation and Regaining Reality
Borderline dissociation is one of the most confusing things to deal with as a person who struggles with borderline personality disorder (BPD). How do we learn how to create a solid reality rather than having to constantly regain what we think is the reality? Is it ever going to get easier? I don't know if I'm confused because I feel nothing from the borderline dissociation or more confused because I can't figure out which reality is better.
Borderline Dissociation Doesn't Make Sense
I feel like when things get tough in my life, my brain slips away from me. I begin to lose myself and everything around me in the hopes it will make the struggle go away. Even if I want to feel something, I lose my sense of emotion. Then I start to question everything: my feelings, emotions, thoughts, identity, and life (Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociation).
I'm currently back in the state of confusion that comes with borderline dissociation. I don't know how I got here. All my sense of self-awareness seems to fly out the window and it doesn't get any easier, no matter how hard I try.
Why Does Borderline Dissociation Exist?
Although I can't grasp everything right now, I do know why my mind originally started this defense mechanism: trauma. Everything with borderline seems to come back to trauma--I can't escape it no matter how hard I try (BPD and Traumatic Memories: Daring to Remember). My mind will not let me go through the turmoil I did at a young age again so it chooses to shut off the outside world. I guess you could find positives to borderline dissociation; the fact that I won't get completely heartbroken again is kind of cool.
Do I Want Heartbreak over Borderline Dissociation?
I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need to experience the pain again. I need to relearn some lessons so I know how to pick myself up in a more healthy way--I don't want to feel numb anymore (Emotional Thawing Makes Borderline Feel Worse). But then I flash to scenes where I've had to fully experience the heartbreak of life and do I really want that? Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. I'm lost between chaos and nothingness. What would you choose?
Tweten, S. (2018, March 19). Borderline Dissociation and Regaining Reality, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 16 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/mentalhealthforthedigitalgeneration/2018/03/borderine-dissociation-and-regaining-reality