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"Crazy" Bipolar Research

January 21, 2010 Cristina Fender

Now I can sit back and reflect on those early days of my bipolar life. I lived each day in fear of the next. I mostly feared that I was going crazy. I feared that my sanity was to be taken away from me easily. I feared that I would end up in a cold, confined padded cell.

research3The Oxford Dictionary defines crazy as insane, mad and foolish with synonyms like demented, deranged and unbalanced. This accurately defines the sensations I felt in the first year after my diagnosis. I grew anxious as I feared fear itself. My arms were covered with etched claw marks, some healing and flaking. I woke up with a startle each morning, surprised that I was still in my body. I suspected that during the night I would fail and morning would never come. Or, at times, I went without sleep, spending oodles of time on the internet doing research on my disorder. There had to be a cure.

I made new "bipolar only" friends on the internet and shared the secrets that I did not dare share with any of my other normal friends. They would just think I was crazy and not the good kind of crazy where a friend jokingly hits you on the arm and says, "Oh, you're so crazy!"

I began to cringe every time my young daughter called "Mommy!" I just wanted to be left alone to do research and seethe inside. My mania quickly escalated and I screamed at everyone at any time over any little thing, Didn't they know that the research I was doing was important?

The research was nothing. It told me little what to expect. People told me little what to expect. Every life is like a flower. No two are alike. What I experienced is not what you will experience. All we can do is tell our tales. The research is in the healing the tales bring.

Oxford Dictionary also defines crazy as extremely enthusiastic, avid and keen. I choose to believe that I am those things now. Where I was is not where I am going. I choose sunlight over shadows. My fear is still there, hidden under piles of "research" but I choose to keep it under wraps.

Now I choose to live in the present without worrying about tomorrow. My first year taught me that the live research I did in the past helps me live without it's strings. I no longer choose to fear. I choose to live each day the best way I know how.

APA Reference
Fender, C. (2010, January 21). "Crazy" Bipolar Research, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, May 16 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/bipolarvida/2010/01/crazy-bipolar-research



Author: Cristina Fender

judy arvin
January, 31 2010 at 10:55 am

does any one know why my pain meds stops my depresion meds not work
i have fibromylia

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cristina Fender
February, 1 2010 at 2:34 am

Judy,
I don't know why your meds aren't working. I would make an appointment immediately to discuss it with your doctor.
Cristina

JourneyBeyondSurvival
January, 22 2010 at 4:08 am

Good for you to live in the now.
My fears are that I won't be able to see another manic episode broadside me. I'm learning. I'm managing. We're trying to get a savings account put away if I need it, I'm trying to define my manic symptoms etc.
You seem to be managing really well.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Cristina Fender
January, 22 2010 at 6:07 am

Journey,
I try my hardest to live in the now. Sometimes that works and sometimes that doesn't. But, I find that if I try to be positive and believe in myself that I can conquer the hardest thing I've ever had to face-- bipolar.
I think you're learning that, too. Putting money away for a rainy day is an extremely wise idea. Mania can sometimes leave you broke. It's good that you're planning ahead.
Best,
Cristina

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