6 days of sobriety...almost gone

Today I about lost it. I had to stop by my school to pick up my books for the semester. For 3 classes I paid $752! I got back in my car cause I was coming up to the church today to work in the office. The whole ride here (takes about 30 min to get to church) I was all fidgety and felt like I was about to burst open. The only thing I could even think about doing was the thing I hate most...I did not want to give in and injure myself. My tool was in an unreachable location so I couldn't pull it out and use while I was driving, and of course I'm not really planning on doing anything while I'm inside the church. My options become quite limited... I hate that I've already crossed boundaries that I never thought I would. I lie to cover up my addiction and I'm becoming a great liar. People that used to be able to read me, are no longer able to tell when I'm lying or not. I've changed my form of SI so that if I'm asked if I've cut I can say no and feel less guilty about it. I realize that I'm only hurting myself doing this. Yes, I know that there are others that care for me and wish the best for me, but I can't live for them any longer. I've done that my ENTIRE life and there comes a point where I want to throw up my hands and surrender. I can't hold up under pressure much any more. I feel like I'm constantly on edge, about to combust into a huge flaming ball and sometimes wonder if that would be better. The great news, I've made it through 6 days now injury free! And the urge somewhat has subsided since being here at the church. I still feel myself extremely anxious and have all this energy I need to release but don't know how. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of letting people down. I'm tired of failing. I'm just so tired. School is about to start and I wonder...what's going to happen when my schedule is suddenly full of activities or school or work or kids? How am I going to remain sane? How can I stand my ground and remind myself that things are going to be ok? I don't know these answers. I'm terrified that when next week comes around my mind is going to be in a whirlwind of doom that I can't control. But, I guess I'll keep focusing on today...one moment at a time.