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'Kerri'

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

Doubt and Other Disorders Logo

doubt
1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making
b : a deliberate suspension of judgment
2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense
3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST
b : an inclination not to believe or accept

dis·or·der
1 : to disturb the order of
2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of

Definitions from
Merriam-Webster Dictionary

 

"Kerri"

My OCD started when I was 7 years old. When I was supposed to be asleep one night, I couldn't stop counting to 100 and I started crying.

I'm now 30 and OCD still plagues my mind. I'm not counting as much as I did when I was young, but instead most of my compulsions take the form of reassurances.

I always ask family members "Are you SURE it's ok if..." and feel the need to ask over and over and over. There is no satisfying my need to have reassurance of my doubt. I always worry that I didn't lock the door correctly or left the hamburger meat out too long.

If I have any doubt at all about contamination, I always throw away the food and scrub my hands. That keeps me from worrying the whole day whether or not I'm going to develop E. coli or make a family member ill.

I know the thoughts are irrational, and sometimes I even laugh at the absurdity of them. But I feel as though I'm a slave to them. My mind is so creative that it convinces me that something bad will actually happen if I don't follow through with my compulsions. After all, what if one day I DID leave the hamburger meat out to thaw for too long and it spoiled, and it got family members sick? I would feel horrible because I could have prevented it! OCD doesn't always have such a tight grasp of me, mainly during times of stress.

I'm very glad there is a site like this for us doubting Thomases!

 

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APA Reference
Gluck, S. (2009, January 11). 'Kerri', HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, August 8 from https://www.healthyplace.com/ocd-related-disorders/articles/kerri

Last Updated: May 26, 2013

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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