Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
My name is Fred and I have suffered with OCD as long as I can remember. It started when I was a little boy. I am 37 years old now and I have had relief for the past 6-7 years, after finally being diagnosed with the disorder.
I thought I was the only person in the world who's mind worked like this. My earliest recollection of OCD is exactly like the gentleman who wrote in about hating God and the thoughts and exasperation which went along with it as a child. I have run through about a thousand different episodes over a thousand different topics. There was one that hit home and stuck with me was when I was about 21 years old. I had a boss who was gay, one day while talking to him I thought "oh my god, I could be gay" then the spring went off in my chest and the anxiety exploded and I knew instantly that this was another one of the thoughts that would last a long time. Well, needless to say, it has been the one which stuck out all the others and to this day I still battle this thought.
I said I have had relief for the past 6-7 years, which is not entirely true since every now and then the medicine stops working and I start over like I have learned nothing over the past few years. I was amazed to read about others with the disorder who have arguments with themselves over their issues. I am going through this right now which is why I was on the internet looking at OCD sites. I have visual images of engaging in sex acts with him or men in general which cause great anxiety. When the medicine is working I am about 90-100% free from obsessions.
Sometimes I doubt I have the doubting disease, which is almost proof that I do and to a normal mind this would make sense but a new doubt will always come in to replace the old one. I hate this crap. My latest anxiety will be that I will somehow be drawn into a lifestyle which I don't want to be in and will loose my family and all my friends. I have started new medicine and I guess I have to be patient and try to let it work. If worst comes to worst I can always go back on the Anafranil. This means I will probably have to give up my sports due to the fact the Anafranil takes away all my energy and strength.
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Gluck, S. (2009, January 13). 'Fred', HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, August 14 from https://www.healthyplace.com/ocd-related-disorders/articles/fred