A Story of Bipolar Denial
This story of bipolar denial begins as all stories begin – with me thinking I was the Duchess of Windsor and seventy crates of sardines I'd forgotten I'd ordered showing up at my door. Obviously, something was wrong. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was denying bipolar disorder.
Denying the Signs of Bipolar
I could see the warning signs but did I pay attention? You guessed it. No, no I didn't. I like to pictorially describe my experiences with bipolar 1 as being tied to a railroad track. The tracks start shaking like Mexican jumping beans experiencing hypothermia; you see the incoming lights of the rushing train and there's nothing you can do about it. Bipolar is vicious and it'll rip you apart. Then when you think the storm is over, it'll give your soul an atomic wedgie.
Years of Bipolar Denial
I didn't always know this. For years I was in denial. I wasn't crazy. They were crazy. The paranoid delusions weren't delusions. They existed to protect me. The government really was conspiring against me. Surveillance cameras really were spying on me. People really were poisoning my food. The mood swings weren't that bad. Come on, lighten up. As I look back, I see this with sadness. Denial was my coping mechanism. It was the center of limited information I was acting on at the time. But why? Why would someone with so severe an illness not accept it?
According to Julie Fast, who's probably the internet's foremost expert on bipolar disorder, denial can be seen as a fear of the future. Dealing with something devastating in the present moment can seem like several lifetimes. Factor in the average lifespan, we're living longer as technology progresses, and it seems like a nightmare; decades more of dealing with these demons, each and every day a gamble. If that's not bad enough, denial is compounded by mania. Julie says, as many have said, mania feels fantastic. Mania tells you you're cured. You don't need the meds. Chuck them in the wastebasket.
Fight Denial of Bipolar – Get Help
The statistics are even scarier. Bipolar doesn't do things lightly. Bipolar goes all the way. According to website Bipolar Happens by Julie Fast, 50% of people with bipolar refuse to get help. And 50% have struggles with alcohol and drugs. Not to mention the myriad problems with communication, interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, and work. That's why help is crucial. But, as cheesy as it sounds, it does get better. This is the reason I'm writing this blog entry. I'm living proof that it does. I won't go Buddha or Tony Robbins on you, but I have to stress: be honest. Accept help. Asking for help is not a weakness, it's the beginning of rebuilding your life. Be sure to get a proper diagnosis, too. And educate yourself. Read everything you can find on bipolar. When you're armed with knowledge, nothing can stop you.
Lastly, forgive yourself. Don't live in regret. If I can make it, so can you. You'll make it. I know you will. Hang in there, tiger, and love yourself.
This post was written by:
Ridge Hardy has lived with Bipolar 1 for 10 years. Find Ridge Hardy on Twitter.
To be a guest author on the Your Mental Health Blog, go here.
Author, G. (2015, June 18). A Story of Bipolar Denial, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, October 27 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2015/06/a-story-of-bipolar-denial
Author: Guest Author
I have been married to my husband for 12 years had 7 bouts with manic bi polar episodes. He was taken involuntary last Monday and the hospital let him out by Thursday afternoon on bad meds and was again for involuntary evaluation today. I know what med work well and those that don't but because he will release no info I hit a brick wall just to get him help. I fight with him, drs, social workers and I'm so tired of the shit. I take our marriage so seriously but he keeps stopping the meds. Episodes have been every 2 years except this time only a year and 4 months. Kinda lost we have a child and really at the point of being done but when he's good we are great. Don't want to be part of the 90 percent that her devorced
To Sylvia Hill.
please Sylvia, get help before you fine your self completely alone and in a mental institution.
My husband is 74, very much in denial, and I chosen to stay arrown. Every time he got manic, and started buying things, writing poetry, energetic, not sleeping, bad temper, hostility, talking from the top of his head, grandiosity personality , bringing all tipe of yonk to the house, I always tell him , baby you are manic, and he'l be very angry and deny it. Only to go in to a devastating depression after mania. Suicidal, and today (6.7.15) he is in the mental institution. If only he'll lestining to me!! But we have been together olmos 30 years, and im exhausted. !! Be careful! Get help
I read you description with baited breath. I knew what I was going to read next was a full blown description of how I live. Your article brought tears to my eyes. You couldn't have wrote more truthful words. I believe I am bipolar but to admit means I'm weak. I wish I could admit it to someone but I just can't. I live a lie and as I right this post I only wish I could say these word out loud to someone that could help. I'm bipolar!!
i have been wondering if I have this. I can't even say it! I've had depression all of my adult life, and never understood mania. But lately I have had bouts of destructive, unstoppable spending I am afraid to admit to my psychiatrist or husband because I don't want to hear a new diagnosis of bipolar. I don't know why it scares me so much, but I am thankful for the encouragement in this article to find out about it.
Way to be brave and bare your soul, Ridge. I'm proud of you and proud to know you.
What an engaging and well-written perspective on a subject that affects millions. You gave interesting insights into the world of bipolar disorder and helped me to understand some of the challenges its victims face.