Justice for Abuse Sufferers
The law doesn't help abuse sufferers much unless
- you have photos of bruises or other injuries and
- were brave enough to go to the hospital to have them treated and
- filed a police report and
- immediately left your abuser - the first time.
That may be simplistic, but it appears to be true in the news stories. So, because most abuses occur before anyone gets hit, sufferers of abuse and relationship-related trauma must learn to find justice for their battered psyche on their own.
Justice is not vengeance. Although if you can prove you're a victim of Battered Woman Syndrome in court, acts of seeming vengeance may be reduced to near-nothing sentences. But do you really want to commit a crime so heinous that you end up charged with attempted murder, arson, or worse? No. Do you want to live with the memory of hurting someone? No.
When Do Abuse Victims Find Justice?
Justice occurs when abuse victims:
- reclaim their spiritual, mental and emotional faculties and
- refuse to hand them over to the abuser for manipulation.
Justice shines her light when you no longer fight with your abuser over what you think and feel.
The abuser may throw a hissy fit, but it won't matter to you any longer. You'll view your abuser's anger as childish. You may feel intimidated (and need to physically leave), but your thoughts and emotions are no longer at his mercy.
He may call you names (but you laugh inside), tell you what you're doing (but you know what your true motives), and tell you what you're thinking (but you know your true thoughts)! Despite his hurtful words you remain calm and resolute. The only question going through your mind will be, "Is this behavior really what I want to expose myself to every day?!"
Justice helps you to weigh out the detriment to your soul versus the benefit of staying in an abusive relationship. Justice holds scales because she balances herself between the abusive event and a mentally healthy attitude (the abuse is happening and I'm able to separate from it). Justice looks at it all from behind the bench. She detaches herself from the abuse because she knows listening to it will cloud her judgment.
Justice is blind because no one can detach you from abuse except for you. There is no person you can call who will save you from abuse when it erupts in front of your eyes. You must learn to save yourself, and one way to save yourself is to find a way to detach your thoughts, emotions and spirit from the abuse.
Ways to Detach From Abuse
During the Abusive Event
We all know that an abusive incident always comes as a surprise. You'll be shaken when you realize "it" is happening again. After the initial shock, begin repeating a mantra, maybe somthing like "I hear you acting like an upset child but I am calm." Repeat this until you're no longer surprised that the abuse is happening again.
Even though your heart is pounding, breathe and remain calm. Assess the situation: do you need to leave the house? do you need to call a friend? would it be best to say, "Stop it!"? Decide what action is best right now, then do it with calmness and clarity of action.
Note: Think through your last episodes of abuse. What do you wish you would have done? Make plans to do those healthy for you things the next time. This cuts down on your anxiety and fear when the abuse begins, and you'll make a calm, clear action because you've rehearsed it in your mind before.
Between Abusive Events
When you find yourself alone and plagued by the memory of the last event or fear of the next, detachment exercises work well.
- Picture yourself as a ball of energy, wound up and conflicted (or however you're feeling at that moment). See the bands of light and energy radiating from you, connecting you to the abusive event(s). Picture your energy connected to your abuser's face, voice, feelings, whatever you identify with most during an abusive episode.
- See clearly how the residue from that terrible energy continues to connect you to the event, and then quickly grab a pair of (imaginary) scissors and cut those connecting bands!
- As you cut yourself free, remind yourself that abuse has no control over you.
- See yourself, as a beautiful ball of energy, pulling back into you the bands that were connected to the abuse.
- Picture your energy body growing stronger and brighter with every snip of your scissors until there are no more connections and you are whole and pure.
Another way to detach is to listen to someone else's audio. Try this one:
The more often you practice detaching from abuse when it is NOT happening, the better you'll be at detaching when it does. Detachment allows you to find justice for yourself; you'll be able to rise above your abuser's petty, immature behavior.
From your new vantage point, you'll gain calmness and clarity and the ability to act in healthy ways.
Holly, K. (2011, September 10). Justice for Abuse Sufferers, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, June 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/09/justice-for-abuse-sufferers
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I want to leave the abusive husband. I have 2 boys with him. He threatens to take kids away or follow wherever I go, so that he can keep me under his control. what do i do ?
The thing of it is, we only have "this moment". You can't change the past and you can't see the future, but you can make a choice this moment as to what is best for you. In that same fashion, when the future arrives, you have "that moment" and get to choose again.
In the future, if he tries to "take" the kids in court, you can mount the best possible fight against him winning his case. As a mother who "lost" my kids in court, I now see that I never "lost" them at all. Likewise, in the future, if he follows you everywhere you go, you can deal with his stalking at that time.
Presently, he is trying to get you to believe in a future that cannot be proven. If you leave, it is one step at a time. Don't let him cloud your present with his version of your future.
To answer your question, "What do I do?" more plainly, you do the best that you can do in this moment, make the best decision you can come to in this moment. Wait until the next moment happens to choose again.
If not, do you live with your abuser? Do you have children with them?