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Leaving An Abusive Relationship

May 28, 2012 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely hard. One abuse survivor shares her story and the rewards of leaving an abusive relationship.

Kellie Jo Holly believes leaving her abusive relationship was the best thing she ever did for herself and her children. This episode of HealthyPlace Radio delves into the abuse she experienced during her 18 year marriage, some of the reasons she stayed, and the incentive behind her escape.

Soon after Kellie left her relationship, HealthyPlace contacted her to request she write the blog Verbal Abuse In Relationships here on the site. Kellie shares with readers the types of issues domestic abuse causes (i.e. depression), why leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult, and hopes to create an understanding of the abusive dynamics in both the abuser and his or her target for abuse.

Kellie puts to use her hard-won knowledge about abuse and openly shares her experience of healing from domestic violence every week in her HealthyPlace blog. She believes in only by knowing the enemy called abuse can you hope to save yourself from accepting abuse or inflicting it. She also maintains her website, Verbal Abuse Journals. In the archives, you'll find her account of the domestic abuse in her old relationship.

We hope you enjoy this interview about leaving an abusive relationship.

Trusted information on physical, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse.

Share Your Experiences with Abusive Relationships

Are you struggling under the weight of an abusive relationship? Have you escaped from your abuser? How's it going for you? Share your comments below.

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2012, May 28). Leaving An Abusive Relationship, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, September 23 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/radioshowblog/2012/05/leaving-an-abusive-relationship



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

sad soul
June, 13 2016 at 8:48 am

all sad stories .. m also in psycological & emotional abusive relationship with a guy , i want to leave , i need peace bt cant do for some more years bcz if i totally left him some other people around me are going to kill me with there rumors about me , with false statements about me , i cant tolerate all this ,i am really helpless cant do anything except crying over nd over :'(

Heather
April, 11 2016 at 7:15 pm

My ex cheated on me with 10 people in one week and slept with my best friend.. I didn't find out about my friend until about two months ago. He lied said he only had a house phone when I found a phone in his house ringing with a girls photo on it. I looked thru it to find a bunch of texts to alot of girls. I stopped talking to him than I found out i was pregnant wich he lied about being able to get me pregnant. Hes has like 1400 fb friends they are girls. I was pregnant am a stripper so working was hard i was three months in puking five times a day. I wanted to keep it but i didnt want to be homeless so i had an abortion. I met up with him a month after the abortion to see if he'd give me money for the abortion he ended up raping me. I got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. He always called me stupid n crazy and he always mocked me. Said I had a low IQ. He was really mean n would choke me during sex. Wich looking back now was wrong. I have ptsd from the rape n he also threatened to have me beat uo if i left him and when i left him the first time my house was robbed. I know it was him because he threatened to mess with me if i broke up with him. Im isolating from friends family even became homeless. Im making it out ok slowly. I pray i recover.

db122510@gmail.com
April, 9 2016 at 12:16 pm

I found this site, as I to can relate to all the women on this site who are still in/out of an abusive relationship non-married/married. I am married. Big mistake? YES! I dated this sweet, deceiving man in 2011, moved him in, by November of 2011 kicked him out. He is now 47 years old, I am now 58. No, it is not for sexual pleasure--young man-older woman syndrome, we were good friends, great mental connection,-though now I feel he is still not mature enough in some areas to stop being selfish/self-centered. He treats me fine in a materialistic way, which does not move me, but dead in the emotional/physical area. He has a drug addiction, years and has become impotent, cold, verbally and now decided that a rehab this week is all that is left to save this non-existence marriage in his head. I can not wait until he is admitted, so that I can regain back my health-independence, self-esteem, pride, weight, hair, glow in my spirit, PEACE OF MIND. So to those who read this, GOOD Job on finding that strength to remove yourself and go forward. I am looking forward to a new start at this crossroad of Life.

candis
June, 15 2015 at 7:57 pm

Ive been with my husband for 14 years but have only been married for 6 of them. I remember it like it was yesterday, the first time he physically abuse me. I am not by no means innocent I have cussed him, and on a few different occasions I have slapped him across his face. I know there is no excuse and just because he tells me he allowed another female to suck his you know what still does not give me the right to slap him, but i did. That was actually the day that he first put his hands on me. I remember him flying up off the bed and tackeling me to the ground punching me on the head (always on the head never in the face), I started screaming but quickly realized that was not going to make him stop so I calmed myself and spoke to him asking him to stop, he did. I got up and told him I wasnt going to live like that and walked away, I got almost to the end of the hallway when I heard him start crying. I sit 14 years later and I wonder why wasn't I strong enough to keep going why did I turn around, especially since that was only the first time, this man has punched me on my head so badly it was lopsided for over a week, he beat me while i was pregnant with our first daughter and punched me in the head while I was pregnant with our second daughter. He accussed me of sleeping with a friend of his whom is ugly as all heck and missing some teeth and i would never touch anyways ever but yet i still got slapped in the mouth. Yes I said mouth he did not punch me in the mouth he slapped me he never punched me in the face. I went as far as lying to a cop and having my 6 week old daughter taken away because he head butted me and ripped her out of my arms and then he tried to leave with her. That was the first time I actually punched him and boy was I scared when he said "oh you want to hit", cus the look in his eyes was scarey and as he picked me up and slammed me to the ground all I could think was why doesnt he love me. So my daughter was removed from my care because I lied and said fell and hit the side of my head on the car door, and I have regretted that since. He did end up going to jail the DA issued a warrant for his arrest and after 3 months I was given back my little girl. While he was on probation he was able to keep his hands to himself but thats when he began calling me names more often then not. You name it hes called me it, the name calling and belittling hurts the most and at time I have found myself saying I would rather you hit me then talk to me that way at least bruises heal right. For eight years I allowed this to go on then i got a job and then sasly a friend of mine died and her boyfriend and I started talking, he came looking for me cus he new how close my friend and I were and he knew I liked to talk and that I could also listen. He and I talked about everything there was nothing going on in my life he did not know about and vice versa we became friends. For just about 2 months we talked only on the phone and then right at my 8 year anivarsary my then boy friend hurt my feelings for what i thought woukd be the last time. We were at his fruends house and i sat on his lap he then told me to get iff his leg i was to heavy and i was hurting him, i said excuse me he said you heard me and i dont know why your here anyways no one likes you ehy dont you go find your own friends and i saud sre you serious and then he saud to my yeah your nothing but a half of a woman any ways so leave and I did. The half if a woman comes from me having a partial histerectomy due to cervical dysplasia. Thats when I lost 60 lbs. put in housing apps, found some friends of my own, and decided talking on the phone to my friends (who had passed away prior) boyfriend was not enough and i went to his house. My friend ended up violating his parole and went back to prison for 6 months. I wrote him and told him that my boyfriend and i were going to try to work things out and that i could no longer write him, (he never got that letter until he reported to parole when he got released they actually handed it to him). The fighting didnt stop between my boyfriend and I and I finally got approved for housing. I was so happy finally I could leave. The morning my friend got out of prison my boyfriend snd I got into an argument and he jumped on me and proceeded to punch me where ever he could land them he did. My head and my arms were all lumped and bruised up when the cops came he went to jail but not before he cleaned out the bank account for 20,000$ leaving me and 4 kids with 1300. I got a storage and i packed everything that belonged to me and my kids i even packed all the food i left him a can of green beans and i believe some chicken. I did not take one thing of his and before I left I cleaned the whole house and showered whipping my pu**** on the only towel I left for him, I dont know why I did that but I did. Why I answered the phone the night he called me I really cant say except that I still loved him. He asked me to come home and I told him the only way I would come home is if he would marry me he said no do i said then i sm not coming back and hung up. The next morning I had a voicemail asking me to marry him. I told my friend and he told me to go home and he told me that he hoped I'd always smile, and when he got his shit together he'd come get me. For the first 2 years of our marriage everything was awesome then i found out he was chatting on line. (By the way be4 we got married I told him about the other guy i told him the whole truth about him). He had been chatting with a couple different girls and it had been going on. Yes a taste if karma or revenge but you see he was supposed to leave everything that happened prior to the marraige behind us as i did with all his mishaps and did i forget to mention that while i was pregnant with our first daughter he cheated on me and actually intended on leaving me sending a friend to tell me he didnt want to be with me the friend never came to tell me though. Anyways we are 6 years in to our marriage and since november (other the a few boughts here and there) of this last year he has become physical again and more verbal then ever he is actually breaking things and since we r married it doesn't matter he can break what ever he wants its community property. Ive tried to leave he manipulates me, hes even went as far as attempting to commite suicide by taking perscribtion medication. I think to myself everyday why did you allow this to go on, why did you turn around, why did you answer the phone, why did i allow him to talk me into quitting my job, why did i trust him? When I met him I was a brave take on the world 22 year old with so much spirit and life inside me, now Im 36 with a heart full of hate an fear and head full of memories of a girl that trusted to much. Believe me I want to leave I think about it all the time but how do I do that now that I have become so dependent on him, how do I let go of him my abuser, how do I walk away and how do I stay away? Can I and how do I live with out him? Will I ever be able to leave?

autumn
May, 12 2015 at 7:38 pm

I have been with an abusive person for eight years. I have had a crush on him in my childhood and blindly mistaken this for my deepest companion. He always puts me down in weight or is always talking bad about someone i know. I use to be that way about people but my understanding has broadened. He gets mad and starts screaming in the street in front of everyone. He uses this to control me because I hate getting publicly humiliated who doesnt? I have helped him pay rent when he was kicked out and continued to help with any expenses. Instead of thank yous he blames me that i wouldn't spend more money when he hasn't had a job in over a year and I've been forking over the bill . I am about to lose my sanity. I am an intelligent and attractive female but time and time again I have run back to the same asshole who only cares about himself and treats me like shit while i am the only one who have saved him from true life on the streets. He acts like i owe it to him to do things for him regardless of the obvious imbalance in support. He never admits fault makes empty promises refuses to pay money back even though I've stopped counting by now somewhere by the thousands now and yet he thinks he should be able to spend whatever i have in my bank account without reimbursing me. If he doesn't he holds my stuff hostage and threatens my family. I am planning to move away in the next few months to finally put the nail in the coffin. I stayed this long for what i was mistaken for was love but it's really abusive cycle. I feel like this was a long time coming. He deserves to die a lonely hateful person who no one will remember. I will at least have that.

Charlie
May, 10 2015 at 1:23 am

First, I need to figure out what's going on here ? Women have abusive men in their lives and they're victims but men also have abusive women in their lives and we're told to be sympathetic because their depressed. I'm married to a bipolar wife ( diagnosed) and she is abusive to the core but I take it , bite my tongue and I cry alone when I need to. I'm told by her Doctors to be kind and all that. What's going on here? Help clarify , Is it okay for women to judge and not men. I'm not allowed to have an opinion, I cater my answers to whatever she needs to hear, If I don't answer her I don't care and If I do I don't care. I'm lost in the damm sauce. I'm called worthless, loser , cheater (wth) I don't even go out (ever) don't drink, don't smoke,have no friends because according to her are bad ,never cheated. I mean,really I feel like a damm carpet at the front door. Am ,I supposed to take the abuse?

Sarah Finch
January, 24 2015 at 12:44 pm

I would VERY much appreciate a few replies on whether or not my husband is abusive. He grew up in a Christian household, son of a pastor and his narcissistic mother. She has been absolutely cruel to me for the 20 years we have been married (lecturing me on the name we chose for our son - stating it was a terrible choice because of what the name meant in the Bible, not allowing me to cook or help in my own kitchen when she visits.. .instead she & my husband do the cooking while I am supposed to sit...this makes me feel lazy.. But I have been told by him and her that I don't know how to cook, when our kids were little she would pick them up after school without telling me leaving me in a panic trying to find the the children, she would come to our house anytime she wanted and only when it was convenient for her...even on our kids birthdays my in laws would show up hours after the party had ended to get their own private time with the kids and my husband, she has told me I am fat and lazy, my father in law has told me "you love to shop"... which hurt greatly and could not be further from the truth as I am a coupon person and love to be frugal, his father told me that my husband was once happy before he married me...in front of family friends, I was yelled at by his father and told to shut up and relax, for Christmas they buy garage sale items for all of us and frequently misspell my name...while on the side they spend lots of money on an tv and travel all the time as my father in law retired at age55, told us what cars and houses we could buy, and we even had to give up our first pet to one of their friends because they said it was not a wise decision to keep our dog... this was because we were looking for a house to rent and they were convinced we wouldn't find a place that would keep pets... our then 3 year old son was devastated and now that he's 18 still feels sad about that..My husband would not talk to them about any of this for the first 5 years of our marriage. He finally did and the abuse got worse to the point that his mother actually took a cookie out of my mouth and stated "it is not time for dessert yet" Although my husband has made some attempts but they have not worked.. And when our son was born, he wanted to name him after my father in law. I cried and pled please not to do this as these people hurt me. Our son ended up with my father in laws name anyway. Here's the crux of it all.. My husband is a wonderful person to me in so many other ways: he works hard, gives me me back rubs, takes amazing care of me when I am sick, starts my car in the morning for me & scrapes my windshield, pulled me from a car wreck we were in slicing his arm terribly from the glass, got up in the middle of the night with our babies, cleans and cooks, does the bills, and even does a ton of laundry. Despite all this, I grew more upset with his not handling his own parents, I began to fall out of love with him and mistreat him. I am not attracted to him anymore.. and have had difficulty for years being attracted to him.. We are now at the 20 year point with 3 kids. I feel I cannot leave because we have 2 kids with special needs. But I have become depressed and lay in bed a lot. I'm terrified of what a divorce would do to our kids. He does not verbally abuse me.. He does get angry at times with my "pouting" and wants me to understand his parents a how he grew up - getting a spanking everday from his mother with a fiber glass bike rod pole. He has had held down 5 jobs in 20 years, but has been laid off twice and demoted 2x during the other job he has for 10 years. While he was in the military, he won officer of the year for the amazing attitude and positivity he showed. He even graduated from the Air Force Academy. Is he abusive for what he has allowed his parents to do to me? Or do I need to see it differently?

Debra McClure
August, 2 2014 at 1:39 am

I sympathize with women out there in abusive relationships. I was married to a man for 28 yrs. I felt like I was forced to leave when he brought another woman into my home. He wanted all 3 of us to live together and I didnt see eye to eye with that setup. This was after we had moved to a southern climate from the midwest. Now we went to church every week, before this happened. And we golfed almost every day, I was active in the yard we planted a garden, and I mowed grass with a pushmower and pruned bushes and stuff. fighting a constant routine with fire ants. I was in excellent physical shape til I broke my knee falling down in the kitchen while cloeaning. The neighbor suggested I be put in hospital for a little while so my husband did not have to take vcare of me,while I was recuperating.
I id with the verbal abuse, and so forth. My problem was after I was forced to leave my abuser very abruptly, I realized after I moved to another state that I just didn't stay there long enough to patch things up with him and I became homeless and was id-thefted and lived in a group home and then forced out on street as one of the giirls told a lie on me. I didnt know what resources was out there for me,I didnt even get my address book back.I went to the salvation armies and the homeless shelters. finally I became able to move back to Illinois and people that knew me in mental health got my id. in the midwest again. My worst mistake seemed to be me leaving my abuser/love of my life. I am now alienated from brother and sister in laws and my side of the family ostracized me for leaving my husband. I have no contact with the grandkids, that hurt bad. The worst thing for me was leaving him. We helped out in a ministry for awhile before this happened. We had abeautiful patio we had put in and had bought a spa -bath for ourselves sos we were slowly just getting things, and 2 of our grandsons put in a pond from Lowes in the back yard and poured goldfish in it and they made a stone waterfall and put a filter in it too. We had a fig tree, apple tree and a few hyacinth bushes. Evergreen fir trees in the yard. I cry and grieve all the time I miss him and am scared I may end up with a worst abuser, I am worried about that. I cant seem to get forgiveness enough from my 2 stepsons. I have no contact or very little with family. I have to hope for the best by the way I refused to sign a divorce document so I was forced into a position ,by him called abandenment. The staff forced me to sign that paper to get an income for me. No lawyer present or no staff membre to kindly explain my options. and He has passed away and I could not go to the funeral as there was no gas and my sister did not have a decent car to drive. So it is one raw open sore to me, the grieving.

Meg
August, 1 2014 at 5:23 am

I dont know what to do to get out of my situation. Ive married a total jerk! We are living in my house near the house of my parents. He has no job so i have to challenge him by saying "not so good" words before. He did get a job, but never give me any money to help me in my expenses. I have mortgaged a car but he used it with no care. He hitted me once while im driving when he's too drunk. He screamed and cursed me in public. He kicked me, shout at me, saying nasty words in front of our kid. He drive the car insanely fast that my son would cry out of too much fear. He even disrespectfully say bad words to my parents and relatives. Worst of all he accused me of infedelity and forcing me into sex. I asked him to leave but he doesnt want to leave. I dont know what else to do.

vegas val
July, 23 2014 at 11:25 pm

First step - GET AWAY!! learn to love yourself. Tell yourself everyday "I LOVE ME" say it in your head everyday & watch the change. I lost my confidence being with my ex- until I started doing this after I had our daughter, which of course I was feeling low because of my weight. finally it took me 8 months of getting ready & talking myself into remembering I love my self & am worth more!!Then I left, baby in tow ! Best thing I ever did!

Mary Lewis
June, 11 2014 at 6:55 pm

I'm in same position ...
Always blamed for his
Behavior ,
Has lied to my family ,
And backstabbed me ...
Admit to it but not to all said ...
Still will not tell anyone ,
He lied about me ,
He's rude , hateful ,
And yells about most trivial things ...
Even this text ...
I sent to him yesterday before his anger
Management class ......
........Like with what you told Andrew be truthful to yourself....!!!
And to others ...
If you have questions ask...
Because I guarantee U 90 % of that class that you're in ...
Are thinking the same thing, but don't want to ask...
Or haven't thought of it !!!
And would be thankful you did. !!!
Nothing to be embarrassed about ...
because they're all there for the same reason as u ...
Bro human and have different ways of dealing with stress ,
Minor problems ...
Etc ..
Exacerbate by the
what if ?what could happen?
in the future
...
& Actually thinking it will happen...
When it hasn't arrived yet...
Foreseen trouble and
Calming the fire ...
Yes ...
but you have to realize you cannot control everything
nobody can ...
ever!!!!
And to worry about controlling others ,things,
and situations...
The total waste when you can have a happy rounded life...
I know I've said all this before...
And I have said following before...
However it being very short-lived...(not trying to be mean ,just truthful)...
I haven't said this in this this past week..
you been very sweet ,
And I see effort ...
keep up the good work !!!!
:)
for this past week I'm very proud of you!!!
Love you ,
Love Your better half !!!
:) lol
His reply ....
None ...
And I got screamed at ...
Because ...
I text him that ...
And he was about to enter class room
!!!
I can't ever do say ...
Anything right ...
Will ask me ?
And ...
Call me a liar !!!!
(I'm totally truthful ...
Then explain ...
Again ...
And he ...
Doubts and says bullshit ...
...
So I started saying then ...
If u know the answer ...
..
Then don't ask ...
And if I'm a liar ...
Don't ...
Talk ...
...!!!
...
Blames others ,
Never himself ,never wrong , never made mistakes ...
And no faults ...
Holy crap !!!
Must be a boring ,
Miserable life ...
To ...
Be so ...
Awesomely perfect !!!
...
And so miserable ...
To not tell the truth , admit to , take blame for own actions ...
...
But has plenty if time to ...
Be so ,,
Backstabbing and hateful with me , family etc
Controlling , humiliating , in public , home etc ..
And now he's saying to me
and I quote ......
I think u think that I'm cheating on u ????
For past 8 months ...
My family has heard him say this numerous times ...
Times ..
FYI ...I have
Never ...
Even implied , he was by any means ....
So Wt ever living hell
is going on with him ...
!!
Help .....!!!!
...
...
Looking for a job ...
As soon as I get one ...
.I'm gone ...
Need a room mate ???
no joke ...
Lol...
I'm
In
hot springs ,ar ..
& if
If can't find cheap housing w/roommate ...
...
Hopefully ...:)
Then
I'm going to a women's shelter as last resort...
Mary l

linda Gallo
June, 4 2014 at 3:40 am

I endured a 25 year marriage & 5 kids, that included all forms of abuse that exist. He made feel special and put me on a pedestal, as he chipped away at my self esteem, my confidence and my dignity, day by day. It was a long slow death. He physically assaulted me on a few occasions over the course of the marriage, but he made sure that I was responsible. The first time he hit me it was so hard across the side of my face that I lost the backing to my earring. The biggest problem with abuse is how unaware you are when you're living with it. When the marriage comes to end you can put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I know I did, and no longer feel any guilt at all. Abuse broke down my family and I believe that most marriages today end in Divorce because of ABUSE. It a choice made solely by the perpetrator and nothing else.

Lt.Col.Indu Sharma
May, 31 2014 at 4:05 am

Do you have any psychological tests to know if i am under post traumatic stress disorder.

Susie
February, 11 2014 at 3:33 pm

@Joanie: Wow, I could've written your post around the same time (3/12/13) that you did and boy do I hope you're in the same place I am now (or better!) I've been married 17 years, have grown up feeling unworthy, and have three boys who are the love of my life. Today, I've asked for divorce, feel stronger than I ever have, and ...possibly the hardest part, wish I had done this at least 10 years ago. And so, Joanie, take the first baby step. Because I don't know you but the fact that you were brave enough to post on this blog tells me that you can do this. I truly, firmly, and unilaterally believe that you can leave. You must. Divorce is not failure. It does not make a broken house. It fixes a broken house. You are a role model for your kids. Teach them what a caring and loving relationship is.
Here are some things that helped me begin my journey:
1) Read the books "Feel the Fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers or "The Art of Imperfection" by Brenee Brown, or "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.
2) Listen to podcasts on self-care and power (Martha Beck, How She Really Does It, Wise Counsel,etc.)
3) Open up and talk to other women about your experiences. You must, even though it will feel really hard. You are not alone.

Jayme Beebe
February, 3 2014 at 9:00 pm

Reading year old posts...I certainly hope the above women were able to get help. I thought I had it real bad. Guess only good thing for me is realizing others had it worse and had children in the home. Such a shame for the kids. Well, to women; let's be strong with what we are able to do!

warsztaty edukacyjne dla dzieci
December, 23 2013 at 5:23 am

I guess the word "abusive" is a bit overused here.

Melanie
October, 23 2013 at 10:31 am

I have been married for 6 years and a partner of this man now 8 years.I look over the years over and over in my mind and to be honest he has been terrible from the very beginning.I do not understand how I continued to stay,being a christian you are told to pray and stay.I find myself wondering how to get out or so angry til I want to hurt him because he does not care how I feel.The days are getting longer I have left at least 5 times and come back.My self esteem is to the floor over hearing I am a fat B**** to look at you dont nobody want you all out of shape and your health is bad.I know my sons need there father,but to be honest this is not a good man to follow.I know he has cheated and continues to disrespect how I feel about anything.I find myself forgiving him every year about something but mainly the issues involved women or the verbal abuse.I am not getting aggressive and I dont want to lose my life or my children. I need HELP NOW its getting unbearable.

buffy36
October, 20 2013 at 12:04 pm

I have a happy ending to share regarding my abusive relationship. My 15yr marriage was abusive on both parts for many years. I had a mental health problem which stemmed from an abusive childhood namely bpd. My husband also had some issues surrounding the loss of his parents. Sadly and admittedly I lost a child to adoption because my own illness was very severe. I flew into uncontrolled anger which I could not control because I didn't know how to control it, I suffered ptsd due to previous violent relationships and friendships of which I was a victim with 2 children and no real help. I had severely depressive moods and I was a regular self harmer, I also had distorted thinking and delusions brought on by 'false' beliefs about myself ingrained by abusive family and partners.
One thing I learned after therapy was that my husband was becoming abusive towards me because he could not cope with my abuse. I was intolerable and I could not understand myself or others.
Happily, I am in remission and living my life. I have taught myself to show caring and affection towards my husband through mindfulness and accepting myself. I learned not to live with self blame because I did not ask to be ill, but my illness was brought on by 'learned behaviour' through the violent ways I was taught. I have become a calm, caring person who is in control of her life.
My husband on the other hand, has gained trust in me and has gone back to work, which I am coping well with now. He understands me when I talk, listens and no longer launches into a tirade of verbal abuse when talking to me. He too has learned to control his anger.
We have learned the art of effective communication and to negotiate and respect boundaries, which are sometimes uncomfortable but worth it if you learn to trust. He used to blame me for everything, but now he can see things from both angles and admit when he is wrong, even if he doesn't want to.
I have learned a lot from this, especially the impact on children. My own children were scared of me and until I did therapy, I could not understand why. Now, when we both see them we are gentle, caring and approachable. They too have noticed the change between us in a positive way. BPD is not easy to live with for either party in a relationship. It is very stressful to deal with and if right help is not sought, it can hurt your children without you realizing it, not just your marriage.
I am doing courses now in mental health and child protection because I am on a mission to help children and families with this condition. Like I said we lost a son, but I can understand why that had to happen.
My marriage has survived. This year has been particularly good. I believe in a situation like this, it can be turned around, but it takes a willingness to work with each other, admit mistakes and a lot of strength to make that happen after you have been through what we have.

egavinlarsen
July, 5 2013 at 6:00 am

You'll KNOW when it's gotten too bad to stay, and when you really, truly GET that, get help! Anywhere, anyhow... Don't let the lack of money stop you, either. Find a public legal service (they are out there). For me, once I became CLEAR about the marriage (and abuse) being OVER, I knew that I would do whatever it took, take however long it took, to break free. It wasn't easy, but absolutely necessary for survival. If you have children (I have one), it's critical to get out! Raising a child in such a toxic environment is NOT AN OPTION! I know I sound preachy, and I know the process is so very painful, but the alternative is just too damaging. It has taken me 7 very long and painful years to extricate myself, and because of the level of narcissism (of my ex and, more significantly, his father), I continue to be harassed... But, somehow the days and months and years pass, and I've gotten stronger. It's difficult to overcome the memories and pain of ongoing abuse, but it IS possible! I pray for every individual in an abusive relationship...that they don't lose themselves completely to their abusers. One day at a time...

parkst
June, 10 2013 at 10:20 am

Jenny, No one can tell you what to do. If you listen to your most inner feelings and understand thatif someone is causing you pain and they know it, and continue doing so, even if you love them, they dont love you back. People who love you want to make you happy not sad. Would you treat someone like he is treating you? Would you let someone treat your mother this way? THis is not love, at all.

Junior High
May, 25 2013 at 5:29 pm

Sorry to read about your struggles.

Vicky
May, 6 2013 at 9:07 am

Thank you for this site. I've been involved with an abuser for over a decade. Survived his affairs his silent treatments his raging explosions and his on going name calling and verbal terrorizing and his blame that he is perfect and its all due to me needing to communicate have and equal and honest relationship. I gre up being neglected and abused. I thought I was done. He was so charming. Until he was not. I love him and I am very happy to have found this site. It gives me hope. With no money hardly any friends he made sure to treat them all badly and he refuses for me to meet any of his friends, I am alone. I have been going through cancer alone he disappears whenever I have surgery or am in the hospital or come home. He is only around when he wants something needs a friend or when I'm healing. He then just restarts. He's nice at first apologizes and if you ask why or try to put boundaries down not to bring that behaviour near you he explodes and silences you for weeks. On repeat. I am worn down. I am a very loving and honest person and I really thought I was the one doing wrong. He drilled that in every way he could. I just wanted to be loved but some people can't love. They just lie. Thank you for this site and I look forward to reading everything on here. It gives me hope that I might have a chance at getting through this.

ij
April, 18 2013 at 4:13 am

Where do I start from. Most times I blame myself for ignoring the signs even while we were dating , subtle as they seemed then. I had made some mistakes with my finances which not only made me lose my job but became dependent on him, something that had not happened to me in decades. I am 35 but I feel 65. I ve been going through daily verbal abuse that had turned physical. I am African and most times, all you get in support is that it is your duty as a woman to make a marriage work. The man need not participate just ensure that you do all the emotional work. I had his back when his ass was down and out but now the tables are turned, all I m getting is abuse of various kinds

Joanie
March, 12 2013 at 11:29 am

What do you do when you’re with someone for 17 years and you have grown up around abuse all your life and someone you love emotionally assaults you every day and says and does the meanest things? What do you do when you’re the one apologizing and you finally doubt yourself? I’m now scared of everything - feeling unworthy like I did something to make this behavior okay but trying to be strong and raise children. They have seen me endure emotional and mental beatdowns to an extent it feels normal to them.
What do you do when you have no means of escaping - no money, self-esteem, or enough confidence to make it. Like I've said I’m walking on eggshells never knowing what I may cause him to do or say feeling and guilty not knowing why. I feel drained like no energy to even feel anything. I know enough that this is killing me but don't know what to do about it. To say I love him I do, but its a totally different kind. I just want to like me.

Jenny
March, 12 2013 at 10:22 am

I know getting out of the verbally abusive marriage is the best thing you can do but how if you love him a lot and you feel like you aren't strong enough to leave

cloudburst
March, 12 2013 at 10:05 am

I have decided to post HealthyPlace on my Facebook page. This is the biggest step I have taken in making it public. However, I still am not comfortable pasting on Facebook. I was married to an extremely verbally abusive man for 15 years. I also knew if I stood up to him, he would have physically abused me. It took me 15 years to realize verbal abuse is also abuse. I am hypomanic bipolar and was bullied most of my life. Mental illness was never spoken of in my household growing up. I discovered later on that we had a history of bipolar and manic depression in my family for years. I have turned 50 and have found it impossible to form new friendships other than my new husband. At this time in my life, I find it impossible to make trusting friends in the world other than the Internet.

kolawole77
December, 15 2012 at 1:27 am

what are good results in relationship abusive???

kolawole77
December, 15 2012 at 1:26 am

what is abusive sex means???

kal123
September, 20 2012 at 9:49 am

I was married to a raging narcisist for years and do I know abuse! All of his hellish insanity heaped upon me by the truckload on a daily basis. All the while going through the severe symptoms of, what I was to later find out was, Schizoeffective Disorder, in addition to having an extremely painful bladder malady called Interstitial Cystist, all the while still maintaining very stressful and demanding employment, and being 3000 miles from a supportive family and friends network. In the literature I am referred to as his victim, but I beg to differ! I am a true and strong survivor, my friends! Only the strong can survive all that and make it out alive! I was finally able to leave, and although it has been an experience I hope to never see again that of the verge of homelessness three times, five moves in seven months, no vehicle, food from the food bank many times, without heat and electricity, having my disability check gone entirely the day I received it to pay what I could, no phone many times, me and my little dog eating beans and rice and ramen noodles for weeks at a time and glad to have them, I am emerging from the deep, dark pit he threw me into better than ever and all the grandiose ideals he only dreams and talks about I'm making happen for me! And oh boy, how he wants me back! Not on your life, pal! After almost two years of marital purgatory, in the form of thankfully, a complete albeit not legal separation, I have an appointment in October with an attorney and sister I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair for good! You can't keep a good woman down forever...I'll be so very happy when I can finally stop having to waste too much of my good time dealing with him...even if that good time is just to clean the dog's anal glands...lol!!! If you're in an abusive relationship...get out!!! Yes, it's hard for awhile, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative. I'm 52 years old but I feel like 35. And it's all good now and getting better every day!!

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