I assume that many of you read these types of blogs because you are still a victim, hoping beyond hope that there is something you can do to make your mate treat you well. However, the longer you read information on the effects of verbal abuse, the more you come to realize that you cannot make your mate treat you well, so it cannot be your fault when s/he treats you poorly. What you need to read about is the effects of verbal abuse and how they hurt me.
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If you have read about domestic violence, then you have heard about the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel. You’ve read that leaving abusive relationships is not easy and can be downright dangerous. You know that healing from abuse can be at least as difficult as living in it. You’ve also come to understand that whether you believe you are abused or if you continue to question if your partner abuses you, your relationship is not a healthy one. Hopefully, at the very least, you realize the problem in your relationship cannot be entirely your fault (relationships take two, you know) and your mental disorders or problems like codependency can explain only a fraction of the story. Keep reading »

The trauma triggers discussed in the last post (How To Handle Trauma Triggers Caused By Domestic Abuse – Part 1) typically result in anxiety or panic attacks. You can often find an exact cause for those types of trauma triggers and there is a way to handle the anxiety they cause at the time they occur.  On the other hand, hidden trauma triggers are situations, relationships or events that subconsciously remind an abuse survivor of the abuse they experienced and cause the survivor to feel or act out in ways they did during the abusive relationship for several days or longer. Keep reading »

Many people living in abuse and people who have left their abusers, experience triggers related to what they saw, heard, smelled, touched or tasted during abusive attacks. The trauma triggers are different for everyone, but fortunately, we can handle trauma triggers similarly despite their diverse causes. Keep reading »

Your intuition tells you when all is well or if something is not right. Your intuition guides you through life safely when developed and used correctly. And therein lies a problem: an abusive relationship disconnects you from your intuition.

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In the video, I mention the vocabulary of abuse. The vocabulary of abuse is the words and phrases that define succinctly the feeling of something is wrong in your relationship. Abuse victims often find themselves in the state of knowing something is wrong, but unable to decipher or describe what that something could be. When you do not know the vocabulary of abuse, you are destined to remain an abuse victim . Keep reading »

Years ago, I bore two sons into my abusive marriage. Young and naïve, I thought my husband would change into a loving man when he felt unconditional love from and for the children. I thought that real love would end his cruelty toward me, and that he and I would create a loving family. I thought wrong. Keep reading »

The prior post discussed the relationship between the abuser and victim, then explored what each partner thinks during the routine. This post digs into the victim’s and abuser’s feelings and behaviors during a long-term abusive relationship. Keep reading »

The routine merges the cycle of violence and abuse phases of the honeymoon and tension-building, and it develops over a period of time. Typically we see the routine only in long-term abusive relationships because it enables both victim and abuser to manage their diseased relationship without expending as much emotional, mental, or physical energy as they did when the relationship was new. (The whys and wherefores of the routine is covered in this post on the routine and cycle of violence and abuse.)

The Routine Creates a Fantasy Relationship

The routine phase of the abusive relationship is like a game of cat-and-mouse that the cat and mouse don’t realize they’re playing. The subtle you do this then I do that movements of the couple are so instinctive that neither participant questions their actions or their reactions to their partner’s behaviors. Keep reading »

Have you read the story of Bluebeard? In short, Bluebeard marries a naïve girl and gives her all the keys to his castle, but tells her to never use the tiny key with the beautiful scroll top. So, of course, the girl seeks the door the key will open. She unlocks the door and sees the dead bodies of Bluebeard’s former wives. In some versions, the girl escapes Bluebeard’s wrath and in others she dies.

Initially, I equated the story of Bluebeard’s wife with myself as a formerly abused woman. After reading Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., I agree with the author that Bluebeard is the voice in our heads that traps us in abusive relationships (and many other foul situations). Keep reading »