my story

my story is long but I want to tell it.I was sexually abused as a child by my step dad, and his brother.my step started when i was pretty young because I have some memories from around the age of 7 or 8. my step dad only did things when he came to visit or we went to his house.My step dad would come into my room at night and touch me. I started wearing alot of clothing to bed or I would try and have my little sister sleep with me that way i new he would not do anything to me.My little sister is his daughter and I always thought that if i just et it happen to me then they would leave her alone and she would never have to go through the pain i was.My step dads brother would do it while others were around but to where no one ever new. He would for example give you a piggy pack ride and while you were on his back he would touch on your private area.Theses things went on until i was 11 or twelve when I threatened to tell my mom and my step dad told me he would kill me if i did.i did beleive him but I new that I could not go on anymore with what was happening to me.I thought I can tell and get killed or i am pretty much dying on the inside anyways. i told someone at school dont remember who but then i told my mom the same day. I remember her exact words. i had just gotten in trouble for not doing something i was told by my step dad and he had gone out to moe the lawn and I told my mom that he had been touching me in my private area and she told me to quit making things up just because I got into trouble.The csd got involved and told my mom to kick my step dad out or they would take us. so she did for a few days but this whole time she called me names for ruining her life and she let him come back over and over again. she got everyone even my sister think I was lying and they all ganged up against me I felt so alone.After her letting back so many times that removed me and my sister from the home since my mom would not protect us. my sister really hated me than.I thought i was protecting her but she thought I had ruined her life to.We were in and out of foster homes for about 2yrs until my mom convinced them that she was done with my step dad and she did everything they told her. they let us move back with her. it was all right for a while then she started letting my step dad back into our new house again and again.I was never able to touch me ever again, but i soon found out that he had touched my little sister during his visiting but never new until we were older.At the age of 14 my mom become a meth addict and now I had to live with not only mom hating for ruining her life and my sisters but now she is a drug addict. She always told her friend about the lies I had made up and they would say things to me.All I ever could think was as soon ican get the hell out of her I will be way better off. Even though my sister hated me I always took care of her and tried my best to protect her.I went to counsling for I think 2yrs but I dont remember much my whole child hood is bits and peices I wanted to forget and I blacked out all of it the good and the bad.I am now 29 I have 2kids I have been with there father for ten yrs he is a great man. I talk to my sister sometimes. she is still best friends with her dad enven though she told me he started touching her when she was 9 or ten.Then recently she told me that her dads brother was peeping at her while she showered when she was younger and he made her jack him off a few times.Then she told me that he had raped on her 16th birthday. I felt so bad like I had failed to protect her.I still do even though that should be my moms burden it is mine.I talk to my mom she says she is clean but I am never sure.I have tried to talk to her but she has very few memories since she did so many drugs and if you try and tell her what she did and did not do to protect us she says it is not true.I love my mom and my sister but I dont under stand there actions.I have my own kids and I could never understand how my mom could do that to her kids. The one thing I have issues with is effection and I think that my kids suffer that because I feel so uncombfortable just even giving them hugs but I force my self to tell them as much as I can How much I love them and I try to give them hugs all the time even though it makes me uncomfortable. they should not suffer just because I have had a horrible life.I dont really have anyone except my boyfriend to talk to and I dont have the money to go to counsling and I think that by talking about it i will feel better day by day. Know ones really knows that i struggle with this in my head day after day but I have to keep it together for my kids but I knw that if I dont take care of me I am no good for my kids so i want to work on helping me not sure how but i will try my best.i think that things like this is why kids dont tell i told and i was punished even more. It made me a very strong person and for that I am thankful sounds weird I know but it is true.I hope that I can get some support and give some on here thanks for listening to whom ever reads this