Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
When I was 13 all these horrible thoughts came out of the blue.
The first thought was my mind telling me that I wanted to molest my little cousin, then my mind started telling me that I was a lesbian even though I had never been physically attracted to a girl before. Then my mind started telling me that I wanted to murder my family. One horrible obsession after another. I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I might murder my family in my sleep. I would envision the cops coming and taking me away and spending the rest of my life in prison. I love my family so much and I am not violent person. I couldn't understand where these thoughts were coming from and I was so ashamed so of course I didn't tell anybody.
I started telling my mother that I was depressed and I wanted to kill myself. My parents sent me to therapists and I told them the thought about murdering my family and I begged them to put me in a hospital because I was afraid that if I stayed home any longer I would murder them in my sleep. The therapists decided to hospitalize me because they thought I was a threat to myself and others, they thought I was crazy. the people on the psych ward assigned a child psychiatrist to may case and that's when I met Dr.Sobel. She saved my life. Within 5 minutes of our first meeting she diagnosed me with obsessive compulsive disorder and immediately started me on and anti-depressant called imipramine. I was released from the hospital 3 weeks later, took the medication for 6 months and it didn't really help that much. The thoughts subsided a little and I went into remission for five years, all this time I had been seeing Dr.Sobel on an outpatient basis.
Then when I was 18, it was my first semester in college, I had a major relapse. I signed up for some kind of psychology course where we were allowed to pick certain books to read and write a paper on them. I made the sad mistake of choosing to read "Helter Skelter", the Charles Manson story. Reading this triggered the thought of murdering my family and I stopped reading the book half way through hoping that if I stopped reading it, the thought would go away but of course it didn't and the damage was done. The horrible thought was in my head for 3 months. I started having really bad anxiety attacks and couldn't sleep and I started thinking about suicide again because I would rather hurt myself than my family and I thought that the only way these crazy thoughts would stop is if I killed myself. I couldn't function anymore and I was on the brink of being hospitalized again. At the time, there was a new anti-depressant on the market called Anafranil and Dr. Sobel prescribed that to me. At first I was skeptical because the other medication she put me on five years ago didn't help but Dr.Sobel told me that this medication was better and it had just become legal in the united states. I was so desperate for the thoughts to go away so I tried it. She told me that within 4 to 6 weeks the thoughts would be subsiding. The side affects were absolutely horrible. For three day I suffered from severe nausea and dizziness but finally the side effects went away and week later the thoughts were completely gone! I couldn't believe it! I was finally cured! I continued to take the medication for 8 years and went off it 2 years ago.
I am happy to say that I have not had any of those disturbing thoughts in 10 years. I will always struggle with this disease because there really isn't a cure, I still obsess about things like a career and everyday things but I can deal with those thoughts and I am somewhat of a checker and I'm always worrying about something, it's just part of the illness which I am not ashamed to talk about anymore because I know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. I wanted to share my story with you and all the other obsessive-compulsives out there because I want other people who suffer from this disease to know that they are not alone. If you or anybody else would like to e-mail me my address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.
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Gluck, S. (2009, January 11). 'Brandi', HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, January 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/ocd-related-disorders/articles/brandi