Bulimic in Recovery

I guess I was always a binge eater; I don't remember when I became bulimic. I remember doing it occasionally in university, and after I graduated when I was alone all the time. It seemed like I had no friends at all to lean on, except myself.

It got really bad when I moved across the country to try to start a new life. My first job was really stressful- everyone there seemed to hate me. I still had no friends. Bulimia became a daily way of existing. Even when I got a better job where I made some friends, it didn't get any better. (what causes bulimia?) I finally sought help about a year and a half ago. Therapy was helpful to the extent that someone finally was listening to me.

But giving up bulimia meant giving up my way of dealing with stress. I was numb as long as I was worried about lunch and calories and shopping. When I started to recover from bulimia, a lot of feelings were released. I experienced a euphoria and energy that i hadn't felt in...forever. I started writing and learning guitar and singing. But it also threw me into a pit of despair so deep and dark that I had several times when I was actively imagining my death or planning it. Silverchair's 'suicidal dream' and 'never too late' became my theme songs.

I'm Trying But Bulimia is Stubborn

But things are okay right now. My arts are saving me. I expect the suicidal feelings now, so I can get through them. Sometimes I relapse. That's to be expected too. I just put it behind me and move on. I will be bulimic for the rest of my life. I am sure.

I relapse all the time. But there's nothing else to do except keep moving on. I read that the only way to stop the binging is to stop the purging, so it's a battle to just let myself overeat sometimes and then just 'let it go'. But it's really, really, REALLY hard to do. After I overeat, I get so scared and upset, like 'I'm going to be fat and then I'll be single forever'. I just can't risk that happening.

(Editor's note: This author wishes to remain anonymous. You can find more bulimia stories here.)

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