Anxiety Panic

Recently, my husband and I have been getting set up for new life insurance. We had to go through health exams and fill out paperwork regarding our personal family histories and current medical information. I listed that I have anxiety and that I take Sertraline daily. I was not asked to elaborate on any treatment plan or history of my anxiety. My family has a history of diabetes. My husband's family has a history of cancer, diabetes, premature death, etc. My husband rock climbs, scuba dives, and flies planes. So when the final pass or fail results arrived, guess who passed and who failed?
On Saturday, I went on a road trip. I drove all by myself to Moab and back in one day. That's about 9 hours on different highways, freeways, state routes, whatever you call them. Big multiple lane roads moving at very fast speeds. For most people, this is nothing special, but for someone who gets anxious and has fears associated with driving, its a huge accomplishment. One speeding ticket and one potential dead deer later, I rolled into my garage at 10:30 at night ready for bed.
I've heard that your anxiety levels can ebb and flow during your menstrual cycle. The Internet is flooded with forums with women questioning how much the menstrual cycle influences anxiety levels. Turns out that the hormones involved with menstruation probably do, indirectly, affect your anxiety levels.
Anxious self-talk influences me every morning. Although I know morning sickness is a good sign pregnancy-wise, ingrained into my subconscious I feel throwing up is a setback. I know the anxiety is because of something I am telling myself (aka negative, anxious self-talk). To figure this all out, I know I have to do a writing exercise.  So far, it is the best skill I have learned to help me overcome and manage my anxiety.
Do you ever feel like you have taken on so much in your life that there is just not enough time in the day to do it all? Lately, I am constantly behind on assignments. Every time I turn a corner I see half-finished projects, things needing to get in the mail, "overdue" pop-ups on my computer, etc. I have so much to do, yet I am sitting here not even sure where I should start and feel like I am just wasting valuable time.
In our society, it is widely known one should wait until after their first trimester before breaking the good news of pregnancy to friends and family. This is because after the first trimester, the risk of miscarriage significantly decreases. The idea is that if you tell people you are pregnant and then miscarry, that it would be painful to have to tell everyone that you lost the baby. It's a way to protect yourself from pain. After spending the day in the ER with the suspicion of having a miscarriage, I realized doing this may prevent additional pain but it also shuts out the opportunity to feel love and support.
Yesterday was a really beautiful warm spring day where I live. Two days ago, it was snowing! So I really took advantage of the sun and warmth and spent some time outdoors. I went to my local Lowe's and drooled over the plants and flowers that are finally out for sale.  The vegetables and early perennials and annuals were calling to me. Over the past several years, I have found a real love of gardening because the warmth of the sun and the smell of the grass and flowers brings me peace. There is also such a sense of satisfaction to watch something grow from a tiny seed to a full plant that you can admire or even harvest and eat.
Last week when I found out I was pregnant, I stopped taking my daily 100 mg of Sertraline (the generic brand of Zoloft) cold turkey. Since then I have been worrying what kind of side effects I may experience. It's hard for me to know if what I am feeling are side effects or simply normal yuckiness of the first trimester.
I had an extremely shocking and surreal day yesterday. I had a suspicion, and it took a couple of tests to come up with conclusive results. Mr. T is out of town all week, so I had to tell him over the phone. I couldn't keep this to myself for so long. I found out that I am pregnant.
Gift Giving and Keeping Score Yesterday, I went to work and we had a baby shower for a co-worker. The food was excellent, the decorations beautiful, and a table was full of gifts. No matter if it's a baby shower, a bridal shower, Christmas, or a birthday party, I can't help but feel that your gift gets entered into a silent competition in the minds of everyone watching. It's as if each gift goes through a rating system. A score is given for the level of creativity, thoughtfulness, expense, quantity, and quality for the gift itself as well as how it is wrapped. And somehow the overall score given to your gift correlates to how much you love that person, or even worse, how you rate as a person on a scale of worth.