Chapter 7: The Beginning of a Spiritual Awakening

STEP 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. At first, when I saw this second step of Alcoholics Anonymous, I thought "Ohhh yeah! I am insane!" I did a lot of crazy things when I was drunk. I landed myself in the hospital, rehabs, jails, and almost the casket. I am one crazy guy. However, I found that this was not the only kind of insanity that I would be relieved of.

What I found is that the real insanity I had was the fact that I continued to drink after I had made up my mind for sure that I would never drink again. After all that alcohol had done to me, I still picked up that first drink. I believed the lie that the disease of alcoholism told me. I believed one or two drinks would be OK THIS TIME. I thought things would be DIFFERENT THIS TIME, so I 'd have a drink and I triggered the allergy to alcohol once again. Then, I would get drunk all over again and not be able to quit.

I would swear off alcohol time-after-time, again, only to drink later on that month, that week, or even that very day! I did this same thing over-and-over-and- over expecting a different result each time.----This is the insanity.

I was one of the strongest-willed persons I know of. I thought there had to be a way I could moderate my drinking based on my own willpower. It took a long time until I finally realized that this issue would take a power greater than myself to fix it. No single human's power could make me quit drinking unless I were locked up or tied down. Besides, if I was honest with myself, I really didn't want to drink moderately such as once or twice a month. I wanted to be drinking almost all the time and I simply was not happy unless I was.

Even when I forced myself to keep my drinking limited to one night a week, I needed to drink that day and waited for that day all week long. I felt a sense of emptiness without my alcohol if I quit for a few days. Something unfulfilled lay inside me. I drank alcohol to breath life into me and give me vitality. Now I see how the drink was my higher power. One drink was too much and a million drinks was not enough. When I honestly realized all this, I also realized that I had to either quit drinking through the use of a higher power or live miserably trying to drink less by my own power. I would never be able to take enough alcohol into my body to be satisfied and also still have my physical and mental health.

next: Chapter 8: Cleaning the Dirty Brain
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