Unexpected

My therapy never goes the way I expect. I go there, completely a mess, telling myself that I'll say this and that, and then he will say this or that and then it will all be okay. But when he walks out to the waiting room and calls me over, I completely lose all of the bravado I've built up, and I find myself ready to cry. He asks how I've been and I say "okay." He says that I look tired, and I say I am cause I haven't been sleeping well. He asks why and I have my reasons, and then he gets me to say all these things that I don't want to say. He tries to coax it out of me, but I can't say it. My back starts to hurt and my head starts to hurt. I shift, I shake, and I start to cry. He tells me its okay, but I won't let him comfort me. I hate being this way. I feel crazy. He says that I have intimacy issues, and that I am so used to being in pain that it's almost impossible for me to let go. I am so ashamed of myself that I lock myself in my head, and I won't let anyone in. He tries so hard to get me to talk but I just can't. I'm too scared. I'm too scared. I'm having a harder time doing things than usual- driving takes more effort and more focus. I just have such a hard time focusing. I think it's the ADHD. I'm not taking any medicine right now for any of my 'illnesses' or whatever... I don't know whether it's me or the illnesses keeping me from functioning. I just feel like I'm losing it. I had the strongest desire to hurt yesterday... hurt myself. I didn't. I promised myself I wouldn't- for my sister. But it was so hard... My cat scratched me, and it felt good. I felt so ashamed but that's how it was. It made me want to do more... but I can't, and I won't. If only for my sister's sake.... Anyway... I have to get up early, so maybe I should turn in. Tomorrow, I'll try and get some actual creative writing done... Maybe. Oh, one thing that my doctor said that scared me was that he thought I might have fibromyalgia.... I've had a lot of pain all over my body that I can't really explain, and so he thinks I might have that. I don't know much about it, but... it doesn't sound that great. Hopefully not.... hopefully it's just me being ... weird.