Life of a convicted addict

I have a friend that struggles with the same self-injurious behaviors that I do. We usually do a pretty good job of encouraging each other not to cut. Today I was wrestling with whether or not I was going to hurt myself. I laid in bed pondering...and pondering...and pondering some more. Then it hit me. The sermon from church was still fresh on my mind. I don't want to preach, so I'll try to sum up one of the points he made. One of the hindrances or obstacles we face when trying to pray is unconfessed sin. Somehow we believe that having a great moral system or following a certain set of rules is going to save us. We forget that God can and does see what we are doing. When we don't confess our sins we aren't trusting that God can clean us up because He died and rose again. Stop trying to clean yourself up-God wants you as you are. We don't understand the delight God has in us. Because we know us, we fear that God's not going to want us. Once we understand God's affection towards us then we stop trying to clean up our act and hide our sin. Maybe this doesn't sound all that profound. But cutting is one of my issues that I hide the most. I may tell people that it is something I struggle with, but if they ask me how long it's been I lie to them. Lying always seems like a little sin compared to other things out there. I haven't murdered anyone, stolen, broken the law...what's one little lie? But that lie begins consuming everything inside me. I avoid going to God in prayer because I am afraid of the confession part. I AM terrified that I have to get my act together before He wants anything to do with me. I'm missing out on the biggest part though...God is not my parents. He wants me just as I am and because he is all knowing, I shouldn't hide anything from him. While our parents raise us saying, "If you ask me for that one more time...(insert threat here)" and we have translated that over to our relationship with God. We fear him like we fear our parents..."If I ask him one more time for this, he's going to punish me with his all powerfulness that he has." He even tells us to come to him with prayers and petitions and to give him no rest. He may not answer my prayer the way I think or want it to be answered, but I know that he's not going to send me away with nothing. So, do I trust God enough to get me through this season? Do I trust him to confess my sins to, run to when I'm in trouble, cry out to when I'm lost and at the bottom of this deep, dark pit...what is my choice going to be? Today I chose to trust Him. It's not going to be easy, and that has already proved true today. The friend I was talking about earlier started talking to me just as I had awakened from a nap. She told me that she broke her record. I knew what she was talking about but was hoping deep down that she meant her record of days clean. She talked about what had happened to cause her to give in at that point of desperation. I gave her encouraging words that I was somewhat afraid she would take the wrong way or feel like I was shaming her for what she had done. As I was reading her comments to me, I realized that a person can 1. want to change and do something about it or 2. use every excuse possible to continue living as the victim. I have most recently been the number 2 person, but I desperately want to be 1. And when I want that for myself and see a friend struggling just as I am, I want to share with them my new revelation. She told me to stop guilting myself because I'm not enabling her behaviors. She can stop when she wants but this is what's getting her through this time right now. It wasn't guilt I was feeling, but rather such a strong desire to see things change in both of us. After spending all this time talking about what she had done and why she had done it, as well as not knowing if it's something that was going to happen again, her response was very disheartening. "Whatever I'm fine. I'm glad you want to change, but you can't change me." I know I can't change her, but to throw everything out the window...her hope, trust, faith, belief...her life? Is it really what we're down to? A point where it doesn't matter what anyone says, I'm going to continue doing what works for me, but I really know it doesn't work for me... ...and that's the life of an addict.