Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
My main disorder is checking things. I have made sure the drip coffee pot was off a couple thousand times, checked to make sure the six knobs on the stove were off, the same amount of times right before l leave the house; the latch on the chicken's brooder house to make sure the thing was closed properly; the column to see that my car is definitely in park and I have the keys in my right hand when I get out of the car; clothes washer and dryer to check that the water's at the right temperature, etc. and dryer's O.K., doing this thousands of times. When I try to speed the process up, I can't leave the thing, I have to spend several times checking; the stove dials on the radiant bake and 325 degrees; when I shut the barbecue grill off I make sure I leave the two dials on and first hear the sound of the gas being cut off when I turn the cylinder knob, then put the two dials OFF. After everything I check I have to stare at the thing a couple minutes to get it into my head that the process is done.
When I used to smoke (I quit 6 months ago) I would have to have water or iced tea in my double-sided yellow ashtray and flick the ashes directly into the water with none going towards the wood things outside the front porch, or leaves or cotton from the elm trees; then on windy days it was scary to have the sparks fly around. Then to put my butts out and look for a minute to check and make sure the filter was all wet. When I stood in my parent's place in their yard and smoked, I had to make sure what direction the wind was blowing my sparks and how far away I was from the fuel barrels. Then when I stomped my butt out, I ground it into the ground it into the gravel for a couple minutes so I wouldn't start something on fire. One day 25 years ago I was walking in my parent's field smoking and I remember putting it out on the ground, then building gravel and rocks around the butt pretty big. Of course I had to have a carton of cigs around all my smoking years so I wouldn't run out and have a big panic attack. My mind could rest a little easier knowing I had a good supply.
These all got started because I was always a conscientious girl and tried to do things perfectly for my parents and school and horse shows to be one of the best at everything I tried to do.
When my husband tries to hurry me out of the kitchen to get going someplace, I feel unsure that it's all off in the kitchen and also the bathroom faucet has to be checked so it doesn't drip or run.
When I checked to make sure my cigarettes were out, I felt good that I knew mine wouldn't start a fire, and then when I was really sick last year I would pour water over my butt if I was out somewhere, then ask my husband to look and make sure they were out. When I was sick I would have my friend or my Mom re-check my coffee pot and stove because it was just too much anxiety for me to. Also, I couldn't start smoking until 11 A.M. when my day care friend would come; then I would really have a big nicotine fit besides all this stress.
I was put on Paxil for it. Seemed to help some. But I have since taught myself to check only so much.
I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.
Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.
Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved
Gluck, S. (2009, January 12). 'Jane', HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, July 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/ocd-related-disorders/articles/jane