Stop People Pleasing with These Words of Encouragement
I absolutely must stop people pleasing. I'm stressed right now because I am in a situation where I have to make a decision that no matter how I slice it, I am going to disappoint someone. Because much of my anxiety revolves around the fear of being judged by others, this is really be stressful and triggers much anxiety. I am what you call a people-pleaser, and I need to stop it.
Why Should You Stop People-Pleasing? Who Are People-Pleasers?
Amy B. from Associated Content describes people pleasers:
They may be asked to serve on committees, do a favor (or ten), or complete any number of tasks. To the average person, these activities could seem overbearing, but for the people pleaser, these requests are always accepted.
The people pleaser is unlikely to stop and evaluate their own needs or schedule, and instead will say "Yes!" They may not be passionate about the request, but they comply, mostly because they do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or make someone mad at them.
And, because these individuals say yes to everything, they are often way too busy. They feel overly stressed, and their attention is often divided.
Why Do I People-Please?
I people-please because I want everyone to like me and I desperately want to avoid confrontation. I don't like making people upset with me. So when I have to choose, I stress over my decision before and after it has been made. People-pleasers like me have a hard time saying no because it is uncomfortable. We want to do every favor that is asked of us, no matter what personal sacrifice it may entail.
Encouragement for People-Pleasers
I have to remind myself that in life, you can't please everyone. There are times where you have to put yourself first and do what is best for you regardless of what others may think.
I found these words of encouragement at allinspiration.com:
You Can't Please Everyone
You may be generally an amiable and pleasant person. You may generally get along well with most people. But somehow, there is that one family member, that one friend, that one colleague, who doesn't take to you very well.
This might disappoint you, sadden you, or even disillusion you. Don't allow it to.
Every single person is unique. Every single relationship is different. Somewhere, somehow, there will be people who don't quite get along.
If you allow yourself to adjust your personal values, to change the person that you are, just to win over that one person or few people, you run the risk of adversely affecting the good relationships you do have.
Be positive. Focus on your happy relationships. At the same time, accept that there will be ones that don't go so well. Whatever you say or do, whoever you are, whatever character or personality you have, you won't be able to please everyone."
One of the hardest things I am trying to learn is to not care what people may, or may not, think about me. I think it all boils down to self-esteem and how I value myself.
Are you a people-pleaser? If so, how do you cope with the feeling that you're disappointing people?
White, A. (2010, March 11). Stop People Pleasing with These Words of Encouragement, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, September 30 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-panic/2010/03/anxiety-sufferers-nightmare-trying-to-please-everyone
Author: Aimee White
I'm a people pleaser, sure. It stresses me out sometimes, sure. But if I wasn't a people pleaser, I would easily be the stark opposite. Thinking selfishly is necessary sometimes, but the notion of "oh, just be yourself, its ok to be selfish" doesn't factor in that its really easy to be a jerk when thinking this way. To justify all manner of ill behavior would be simple for me if I thought as selfishly as myself would have me be. I do not agree with the all of the negative connotations constantly inserted into this psychological theory. Maybe say, it's ok to be a people pleaser in moderation, but stop outright shaming people for being nice.
I didn't realize it until I started therapy 25 yrs ago,but I've been a people pleaser as early as I can remember. Even in grade school I would do anything to make sure that others liked me. It tore me out of the frame when I was in High School and I had this "so call "Best Friend" who knew how to push my buttons. If I didn't do as she pleased, she wouldn't talk to me for days. So I would follow her around like a puppy dog and no one would be saying anything. Now isn't that pathetic? Why would I let people have that much power over me. and I'm afraid to say that they still "do". Some don't know it, but they do. I try to please everyone and make everyone feel good about themselves, but don't get it back in return.
Aimee, this post was just what I needed to hear today. I am in a few situations right now where I know that the right thing is to a certain thing yet I know that it will upset other people when I do this thing. I was trying to figure out why it was making me so upset and I realized that the "peolpe pleaser" part of me was stressed about having somebody be upset with me. I am going to try to focus on the why of my actions (knowing they are the right path to follow) and less on the disappointed people.