Dance Macabre - The Dynamics of Spousal Abuse

Psychologically, how does someone become a victim of spousal abuse or the abuser? Insights into the dynamics of spousal abuse.

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II. The Mind of the Abuser

III. Condoning Abuse

IV. The Anomaly of Abuse

V. Reconditioning the Abuser

VI. Reforming the Abuser

VII. Contracting with Your Abuser

VIII. Your Abuser in Therapy

IX. Testing the Abuser

X. Conning the System

XI. Befriending the System

XII. Working with Professionals

XIII. Interacting with Your Abuser

XIV. Coping with Your Stalker

XV. Statistics of Abuse and Stalking

XVI. The Stalker as Antisocial Bully

XVII. Coping with Various Types of Stalkers

XVIII. The Erotomanic Stalker

XIX. The Narcissistic Stalker

XX. The Psychopathic (Antisocial) Stalker

XXI. How Victims are Affected by Abuse

XXII. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

XXIII. Recovery and Healing from Trauma and Abuse

XXIV. The Conflicts of Therapy

Important Comment

Most abusers are men. Still, some are women. We use the masculine and feminine adjectives and pronouns ('he", his", "him", "she", her") to designate both sexes: male and female as the case may be.


It takes two to tango - and an equal number to sustain a long-term abusive relationship. The abuser and the abused form a bond, a dynamic, and a dependence. Expressions such as "folie a deux" and the "Stockholm Syndrome" capture facets - two of a myriad - of this danse macabre. It often ends fatally. It is always an excruciatingly painful affair.

Abuse is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders. It doesn't help that society refuses to openly and frankly tackle this pernicious phenomenon and the guilt and shame associated with it.

People - overwhelmingly women - remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the objective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated.



The abuser treats his spouse as an object, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and denuded of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name - from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her initial independence and regards it as a threat. By intimidating, cajoling, charming, and making false promises, the abuser isolates his prey from the rest of society and, thus, makes her dependence on him total. She is often also denied the option to study and acquire marketable skills or augment them.

Abandoning the abusive spouse frequently leads to a prolonged period of destitution and peregrination. Custody is usually denied to parents without a permanent address, a job, income security, and, therefore, stability. Thus, the victim stands to lose not only her mate and nest - but also her off-spring. There is the added menace of violent retribution by the abuser or his proxies - coupled with emphatic contrition on his part and a protracted and irresistible "charm offensive".

Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament.

But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser - stealthily but unfailingly - exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of his victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defence mechanisms, phobias, mental health problems, a disability, a history of failure, or a tendency to blame herself, or to feel inadequate (autoplastic neurosis). She may have come from an abusive family or environment - which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases - the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment and pain.

The abuser may be functional or dysfunctional, a pillar of society, or a peripatetic con-artist, rich or poor, young or old. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behaviour often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects" - representations of outside objects, such as his victims.

This crucial insight is the subject of the next article.


next: The Mind of the Abuser

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2009, October 1). Dance Macabre - The Dynamics of Spousal Abuse, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 13 from

Last Updated: July 5, 2018

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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