Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
I am a 30 year old woman with 3 children, my first experience with OCD I was 19 years old and it was on Thanksgiving Day. For as long as I live I will never forget that day.
I went up to take a nap and when I woke up my life would never be the same. From that moment on I would have a thought in my head and this thought would take over my life. For every waking moment I would think this same thought over and over.....
I would soon dream this thought out in my dreams. So all I did was think about this and cry cause I know I'm not, but why God did I keep thinking about it. So I went to the Hospital, depressed and crying, all I could say to the Dr. was I just want it to stop, Please make it stop and I cried and cried. Then out of no where I said I feel like shooting them away. Shoot these damn thoughts away. Big mistake they called down a Psychiatrist and would not let me leave, next thing you know I am sitting in the Rescue Crises.
I would see a Psychiatrist again in the morning. I told him I had no Idea what he was talking about and I never really meant to say it and he let me go. I would keep this to myself for the next two years and I would bite myself so the thought would leave my head...The harder I bit the better I felt I thought I was so crazy and could tell no one.
Looking back I think I had always suffered from this disorder. First when I was really young 6-11 I would obsess about death. I lived with my Great-grandmother and she was very old." in her 80's" so I prayed she would not die 24-7.
Then it was my weight I was chunky and my brother teased me so I went on Diet after diet. Then I would make my self get sick all the time. Then I obsessed about the way I looked constantly checking the mirror, putting make up on.
Then I obsessed about being popular. I am not talking about normal teenager stuff It went far beyond this. It was an obsession.
I would worry about what I has said through the day and if it was stupid. I would worry people didn't like me. I was more concerned with what people thought, more than what mad me happy. And I would obsess and obsess.... I would obsess over cleaning my house, making everything perfect all the time constantly over and over.
But I never knew, even though I knew something was wrong with me and there had always been something wrong. I was not a normal child.
But I had never obsessed to the point of wanting to die until. Thanksgiving 1990.
I tried to kill myself 3 times. I hated my life and everyone normal. So I mostly hung around losers, druggie's and then I became one I lost My marriage my children and many years of my life.
I am now 30 and have been on Prozac, Effexor and Trazadone. I am at last Happy and Content. I will always be on meds and still go to therapy. I know so much of my illness is Genetic, and also because of the abuse I went through as a child.( whole other story)
But, I am also grateful because I wouldn't be me if I had not went through this I fell passion and love and I feel for others I have true empathy and true devotion to me and my family. And I take everyday one day at a time.
And I happen to finally like my self.
I hope this will help.............Tina.
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Gluck, S. (2009, January 9). 'Tina's Story', HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, April 15 from https://www.healthyplace.com/ocd-related-disorders/articles/tinas-story