Safety Planning Against Abuse

May 20, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

Way too many abuse victims continue suffering because they do not put together a viable safety plan. Safety planning can be a very taxing, emotional issue for victims because, in essence, they are confronting the fact that their living arrangement is unmanageable when their abuser rages.

No one likes to admit they cannot, at least to some degree, control their environment. It may be better to think, “I can control my actions in any environment” rather than lament the unpredictability of the abuser.

The safety plan, when courageously confronted and completed, lends a sense of empowerment to the victim. When a victim acknowledges that there are times that s/he must leave the abusers presence in order to feel safe, this helps them to realize that they are not responsible for their partner’s horrid behavior. Keep reading »

Not Everything A Verbal Abuser Says Is A Lie

May 17, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

Nikky suffers from verbal abuse. Her husband terrorizes her and their children with volatile language and sometimes backs it up with physical violence. She cringes when he goes off and I imagine her sitting in a tiny ball, trying to protect herself as well as she can from the fitful blows that may rain down at any second.

Perhaps a part of her wishes that he would just go ahead and do it. If he hits her and uses up all that hateful energy, then perhaps she could heal in peace. She does not say this, but many other abused women I’ve spoken to do. Keep reading »

Domestic Abuse and Depression

May 16, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

The depression first overwhelmed me when I was 26, six years into my abusive marriage. I believe I succumbed to the symptoms of depression simultaneously with giving up control over my Self to my husband. The fear I felt at the thought of “going against” my abuser caused me to look inside myself for a solution to our relationship problems. I finally believed him – I was the cause of all of our issues.
Keep reading »

Abused Mother’s Day

May 13, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

Happy Mother’s Day to mamas, moms, memes, and mommys everywhere! I hope your day is full of appreciation, love, and peace. You deserve to be treated as a queen, not just today, but every day.

But we all know that’s not how it happens, don’t we? Kids don’t understand our sacrifices, husbands tend to forget and sometimes take advantage of our willingness to wait. Mother’s tend to be instant gratification machines, and all it takes to activate us is the call, “Mo-o-om! Come see!” Keep reading »

Letter to An Abusive Man

May 10, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

Please, honey, give me this day, free of pain. Please take back your hateful words, hold my tearful face in your hand, and apologize for hurting me so deeply.

I beg of you to hold back your brutish glances under knitted brows and instead, look into my soul shining beneath my tears and see, just one time, that who I am will not hurt you. Keep reading »

Victims of Abuse May Be Too Good To Leave

May 6, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

Are you abused because you are you a good wife/husband? A good child? A good employee? What else are you besides “good”? If you don’t know, then you could be stuck in your abusive relationship for a very long time.

Good wives and husbands go about fulfilling their roles as they believe a “good” person should. But guess what? If you describe yourself as good, then you must keep a counter-balance in sight – you must keep someone around you who provides the bad because good cannot exist without something bad with which to compare itself.

This is problematic for both groups of abuse victims: the ones currently entrenched in the abusive relationship and the ones who escaped it. Being good keeps you glued to current bad behavior and causes you to unconsciously seek it after your escape.

Why do they stay? Because they’re good people. Why did he marry that type of woman? Because he’s a good person. Keep reading »

Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

April 29, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions – sometimes all at once.

In the beginning of my relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me.  Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever. Keep reading »

Intimacy in Abusive Relationships

April 28, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

When I think of intimacy, I think of the ability to share personal insights or facts with another person who will keep them between the two of us and hold them gently. Holding my personal fears, joys, mistakes and successes gently is important to me. When my abuser would manipulate the intimate facts of me to control me, I felt he betrayed me just as if he had stood on a rooftop and blurted private facts of me into a bullhorn.

And yet, although my intimacies often came back to bite me in the butt, I kept sharing them with him! Why? Because I thought that sharing brought closeness, appreciation, understanding, and love. I thought I could force him to love me the way I wanted by being completely open and honest. Keep reading »

Life Without Abuse Video

April 23, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

Life without abuse surpasses the definition of peaceful. There is no one but me to tell me what to do or how to do it. Keep reading »

How To Decide Who To Trust Post-Abuse

April 22, 2012 / by / Verbal Abuse in Relationships

In the last post, I wrote about my fear that I will damage (or kill) any healthy relationships I now enjoy due to my inability to trust the ones who deserve it. I mentioned that it is much easier for me to trust a stranger than my lover, but that dilemma is, I think, easily explained: strangers on the street do not have intimate knowledge of who I am that they could use as a weapon. Strangers may use a gun, but that type of killing is not the one I fear. Keep reading »