Mental Health Blogs

Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions – sometimes all at once.

In the beginning of my relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me.  Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.

Sometimes my abuser’s words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of what he’s said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.

This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It’s not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what other’s have reported hearing, too.

Things Verbal Abusers Say:

  • “Why don’t you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait – I forgot – you can’t get a job because you’re a stupid sh!t.
  • “Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!”
  • “Bitch” (and the countless other names I won’t bother to list)
  • “I should have left you at the club with all the other whores.”
  • “If you were more like my mother I could worship you.”
  • “I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being.”
  • “I can’t stand to look at you. You make me sick.”
  • “You’re such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don’t you?”
  • “I can’t believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?”
  • “I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don’t know how to please a man!”
  • “You’re fat and miserable and you make me hate you.”
  • “You always look like God stomped on your face.”
  • “Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway.”
  • “You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh – time hasn’t been good to you, baby!”
  • “Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you’ll never see them again.”

Things Verbal Abusers Do:

  • Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
  • Defend what they’ve said.
  • Analyze what they’ve said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
  • Block you in a room so you can’t leave and thereby avoid what they’re saying.
  • Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
  • Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
  • Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
  • Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
  • Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
  • Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
  • Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a “look” and you know what they’re saying (then they may deny it).

Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.

If you’re still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you’ll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you’ll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I’ve been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.

Start here:


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This entry was posted in Abuse in Marriage, Abuse in Relationships, Abusive Anger, Abusive Behaviors, Accusing, Anger, Confusion, Fear, Gaslighting, Helplessness, Hopelessness, Hurt, Insinuating, Recognizing Abuse, Sadness, Shame, Stopping Verbal Abuse, Teen Dating, Verbal Abuse Signs, Work Place Abuse and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

114 Responses to Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

  1. hanger says:

    My Name is Hanger from USA.I never believed in Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster called DR UDEGBE The woman i wanted to marry left me 2 months to our weeding ceremony and my life was upside down.she was with me for 4 years and i really love her so much..she left me for another man with no reasons..when i called her she never picked up my calls and she don’t want to see me around her…so,when i told the man what happened.he helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and that is the reason why she left me..he told me he will help me to cast a spell to bring her back.At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a try…In 3 days,she called me herself and came to me apologizing..I cant believe she can ever come back to me again but now i am happy she’s back and we are married now and we live as a happy family..Am posting this to the forum if anyone needs the help of this man.Can contact him through this email address. udegbespelltemple@gmail.com or call his mobile number +2348156784928

  2. Cynthia says:

    I have been with a man for eight years and having lived abuse in my past I am in it again. I feel worse this time it’s my age maybe but my esteem and self worth are so low I feel helpless in more ways than none. He calls me stupid and demeans me in front of my lovely daughter who is nine and that he claims he loves as his. At one time I believed he was my hero now I feel wrecked and so lonely almost frozen by his power and unkind words please help I do not know what a normal relationship feels like

  3. UndeniableTruth says:

    Cynthia, your only option is to leave but you already know that. Think back to the situation last time and how you wished you left sooner. This time you can put into practice what you learned from the mistakes you made last time.

    Think of your daughter, children are very perceptive and will detect the slightest emotions and disdain in an environment. Your daughter will learn from your actions and when she grows up, I am sure you do not wish for her to be in anything but healthy friendships or relationships.

    You must find the strength to leave this abuser for yourself, your future, your daughter and your daughters future.

    As long as you remain in this unhealthy relationship, a truly loving person will never be able to show you what a real loving relationship is all about. However, when you do leave this person, I would suggest you take time out for yourself and your daughter to heal, grow and learn. After all, if we never learn from history, it is doomed to repeat itself.

  4. Katie Williams says:

    One of the things that my ex used to do is use our private conversations against me. If I would tell him something that was meant for only his ears, and I felt like it was safe to share it with him, he would attack me with those private moments during a fight. He would also get drunk and call me names such a B*tch, W*ore and C**t. It got to the point where I was believing what he told me, and I had to stop the cycle. I hope we all realize that we’re worth more than the abusive words.

  5. Mara says:

    My ex-spouse was much more subtle. Things like, “No need bothering with make-up, it’d be like putting lipstick on a pig.”, “Sex with you is like ****ing a beanbag.” Or once when I asked how I looked before a party I had been excited about, he glanced at me and simply answered, “f***able”. But he’d always laugh it off. I was always left not knowing if he was serious or not. But either way, it affected me negatively. I can’t even get naked in front of my doctor without anxiety meds.

    I fear for my kids but can’t seem to let go of this doormat mentality to show them that he can be successfully stood up to. I hate myself, just like he does.

  6. Erika says:

    My husband and I get along for the most part, but when we fight – it is terrible. He suddenly has so many negative things to say about me when he is angry.

    Last night, we went to dinner with a few friends. I was on my phone, scrolling through Facebook, when I saw a comment he left on a girl’s picture WHILE we were sitting there at the dinner table. The comment read: “You’ve got some eyes on you, huh?” I don’t know why, but that went right through me. It hit me right in the gut, and I could feel my self esteem crumble. I suddenly wasn’t laughing and having fun with my friends anymore, and I confronted him about it right there at the table. Maybe that wasn’t appropriate, but I wanted to let him know that it isn’t acceptable to me, his wife, when he gives random girls flirtatious comments like that. Maybe I was overreacting (which is what he thinks), but I just simply don’t like it when my husband says things like that to other women, or if he puts his hands on other women. (He has done that before as well. This past New Years Eve he kept hugging some girl in a bar, and long story short – I ended up walking to my parents’ house in around 2am covered in tears) Anyhow, the fact that I was upset about his comment started an all out war. He told me I was “crazy”. And he never has anything to say for himself. He didn’t last night, and he didn’t on New Years Eve.

    Once we were home I was called tons of names. I was told that I am worthless, and that all I do is sit around on my a**. I am currently a full time nursing student, and I work every single weekend at a hospital – pretty much a 50 hour work week once you factor in my time spent in clinicals/classroom settings. I was told that I’m a “4″ unless I have on nice clothes, apply layers of makeup, and tan for a month straight. I was told I’ve gained 20 pounds in the past month. Yeah. My husband said all that to me. He also told me he shouldn’t have married as he threw his wedding ring on the floor, and that he doesn’t want to have a child with me, because it will probably have a “huge forehead” just like I do, and it will probably be just like my mother. I was told my parents were probably both on drugs when I was conceived, and the entire time my mother was pregnant with me. Yeah, all of this, because I asked my husband to please not give other women flirtatious comments. He never has anything nice like that to say to me. So of course, I felt a pang of jealousy and hurt when I read the comment. I just don’t understand. Why was it so dire that he tell some random girl who he doesn’t even know that she has “some eyes on her.”??? What did he accomplish? He made some other girl feel good about herself, and made his wife feel like crap.

    After being told I’m basically fat and ugly, I asked my husband why he even married me since he thinks so little of me, to which he replied: “because, you are going to make me money.” I started crying, and all he could keep telling me was to get out of his face and to go to bed. He told me I’m pathetic and that he doesn’t feel sorry for me when I’m crying like that. While all this was going on, he couldn’t even take his eyes off of his fantasy hockey crap on the computer, or the Notre Dame game that was on the television. I finally relented and went to bed, since I knew I was going to have to get up in a few hours to work a twelve hour shift. We have been married for nearly three months.

    Sorry for such a long post, but after something like that, I find it comforting to vent. When he says stuff like that, it kills me. We have been together for about 8 years. Like I said before, when we get along, things are fine. He tells me I’m “cute” a lot, which I don’t really care for, since I’m a 23 year old woman, not a 3 year old. And I admit, I have gained some weight since I started school, but I wouldn’t call myself fat. I’m 5’3″ and about 130lbs. I’m used to weighing anywhere from 110-120. He makes me feel like I weigh 500 pounds or something. I just don’t understand how someone can be so cruel to someone they are supposed to love. And marriage is a huge deal to me. It is sacred, and for him to act as if it means so little to him just smashes my entire being. I don’t know if I should see a therapist to discuss my feelings or what.

    Again, sorry for such a long post.

  7. sara says:

    The comme ts left by everyone has literally brougjt me to sobbing tears . I have been searching for the person i. Was almost five tears ago now. Im certain that part of me is gone forever . I cant even begin to think about a future without the man i am so in love with the man who once was kind loving sweet and in love with me. I still see a glimose here and there but never does it last . I love him so much and i want to believe he is the one that can overcome the stereotype of an abuser . I know it sounds nuts i keep waitibg for the day when jts finally gonna turn around . I cant explain ny feelings cause they have ruines my life i am tired of the contstant interrogations the accusations that i am or ever was a prostitute. He claims he seen me in adult films that i slept with evety man i have ever come in contact with the constanr looser liar whore just like my mom and thats the nicer things said if he hears any noise in the background on phone he instantky says are u realy caling while having anoylther man there a b d he kniws we arevhaving sex ( to put it nicely) and with our daughter there to,o it offensive l . I need help i know it isnt right but im obsessdd with the thought of being with him still. Is it possible yo ever love someobe so much.i dobt want to giv i knew`e up i knlw we have a chance if only i could start my path :(

  8. Kellie Holly says:

    Dear Sara, download this safety plan and fill it out: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/escape-abuse-safety-plan/ Doing that is one way to start your path by taking care of YOU.

  9. Jane says:

    I had a boyfriend once who used to ask me “How many guys have you f____ed”? over and over during sex and “Your p__________y is really big! what happened?” Oh and “Am I the best f____ you’ve ever had?” all during sex. He used to repeat insulting comments the entire time and funny enough wanted to have sex every time we were together and snuggle afterwards.

  10. Reita says:

    My husband tells me on a daily basis to “shut the f*** up ” tells the kids how Mom is worthless and does nothing to help and is too stupid and psycho to know how to help anyway. Calls me fat and lazy (I have lost 80 pounds, and at 37 years old need a hip replacement) We don’t go anywhere together because he’s embarrassed to be seen with me. He leaves me enough gas to get the kids to school and back for the week, nothing more. And then gets angry because I can’t walk to the store and carry groceries home. we used to hike and fish a lot but due to my need for “the handicap trail” i no longer go because it starts a fight that ends with me in tears. Usually the fight being due to me falling down. He has 4 vehicles. I have keys to two. One only because it legally will not fit myself and the children. And “my” car but only because it has a flat tire, no gas and no heat. He tells the kids to go ahead and listen to me if they want to grow up to be “f***–g retards like their mom”. Two weeks ago, I packed our things. Life exploded in my face and I am still here. I am now being forced into a new job that is physically going to destroy me. He refuses to work. He accuses me of cheating, but I never go anywhere. Be sets traps on the front door and closes the gate a certain way so he can tell if anyone has come while he was out. He erases hi tracks in the snow on his way out so he can see any fresh tracks. I’m trapped.

  11. Lisa S says:

    i have been dating a guy for over a year and he is verbally abusive…almost every day I am called a whore ,a slut and retard,asshole and last week he texted me 20 plus times w youre a ‘c***’ knowing that that word disgusts me:( i love him but something must be wrong w him..he drinks way too much but is mean and flies off handle even when he hasnt been drinking..he is so cruel so why do i stay? he tells me to f*** off all the time but i always forgive,even tho he doesnt ask me to:( why does he do this? is it possible he does love me and cant help this? maybe bipolar? i dont wanna give up on him but ive never dealt w this before…he tells me today that he is wishes he hadnt wasted his time on me or fell in love w me and wishes he hasnt:( just crushing:( i am so good to him..i dont go out w friends anymore but he does what he pleases…help:( im starting to believe the terrible things he says to me:( Lisa

  12. Lisa S says:

    p.s. you all are not alone and sara,im right there w you…im still in love with him and trying to hold oto the gimpses of good that r there,but they r far and fee between:(

  13. BENNY says:

    I had ma first child before meeting my husband and i told him and said nothing but he will still marry me,my girl was with my grandma before i got married ,i thought with him marry he was going to accept her but NO,NOW THE SMALLEST THING he get angry beat me up and ruin insult on me like[prostitute, u have a small brain ,u and ur families are poor,they behave like pigs and after eaten dey clean their mouth on ground etc] he has stopped me from seeing ma family and friends who have helped me alot in sooo many way, even some he has to call them on phone to warn them from calling me and called my people witches and dont allow them to visit or spent days with me
    Am unhappy woman and am just 23years of age going through all this pains and sorrow above all i have giving birth to a girl again who is 1year 6month always threaten me that if i leave the marriage he was not going to give me the baby and even the first child who is with my grandma i have not finish taking care of her ,infact am in a mess right now i need a serious advice .
    for me i want to leave the marriage but dont know where to start from ,any help i will be greatful ,as for the beaten is uncountable and i live in fear that he may oneday kill me . thanks

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