Mental Health Blogs

Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions – sometimes all at once.

In the beginning of my relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me.  Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.

Sometimes my abuser’s words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of what he’s said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.

This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It’s not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what other’s have reported hearing, too.

Things Verbal Abusers Say:

  • “Why don’t you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait – I forgot – you can’t get a job because you’re a stupid sh!t.
  • “Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!”
  • “Bitch” (and the countless other names I won’t bother to list)
  • “I should have left you at the club with all the other whores.”
  • “If you were more like my mother I could worship you.”
  • “I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being.”
  • “I can’t stand to look at you. You make me sick.”
  • “You’re such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don’t you?”
  • “I can’t believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?”
  • “I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don’t know how to please a man!”
  • “You’re fat and miserable and you make me hate you.”
  • “You always look like God stomped on your face.”
  • “Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway.”
  • “You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh – time hasn’t been good to you, baby!”
  • “Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you’ll never see them again.”

Things Verbal Abusers Do:

  • Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
  • Defend what they’ve said.
  • Analyze what they’ve said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
  • Block you in a room so you can’t leave and thereby avoid what they’re saying.
  • Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
  • Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
  • Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
  • Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
  • Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
  • Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
  • Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a “look” and you know what they’re saying (then they may deny it).

Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.

If you’re still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you’ll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you’ll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I’ve been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.

Start here:


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This entry was posted in Abuse in Marriage, Abuse in Relationships, Abusive Anger, Abusive Behaviors, Accusing, Anger, Confusion, Fear, Gaslighting, Helplessness, Hopelessness, Hurt, Insinuating, Recognizing Abuse, Sadness, Shame, Stopping Verbal Abuse, Teen Dating, Verbal Abuse Signs, Work Place Abuse and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

152 Responses to Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

  1. Rjp says:

    Here is how my day went: I got up at 7 to take care of 5 kids who stayed the night. I fed them breakfast. I fed them lunch. During that time I cleaned house because my spouse stayed in bed till 11 and needed the house clean for friends who were coming over that afternoon. My partner got out of bed got ready and went to the store to to buy food for the party. During the party I took care of the kids. (They are 12 and 8 so that is a pleasure.) after the party it was off to town with more friends. Then finally later I was bad because that night I played a game with kids when “I came home to be with you”. That evening I cleaned up after party. Spouse kicked me out of bed and mocked me in front of kids. Oh. And I was also griped out cause the yard was not mowed and edged. Here’s my question. I am the husband. My wife stays at home. She has a housecleaner. How can I not be verbally abusive? I’m serious. This is not a joke. So many things on the verbally abusive list above I want so say and I do say many catty remarks. I really want to know what to do.

  2. Lana Avaloz says:

    @Rjp , I read your comment and I was shocked , because at first I thought for sure this woman is being so neglected and mistreated. But to find out you’re a man suffering this really did surprise me. It’s not acceptable what is happening to you and it is quite normal to want to lash out to this kind of ill treatment, I know I’ve done it when I was in an abusive marriage..I have learned from experience that our children pick-up on everything we say, even if we have all rights in our own mind to defend ourselves , they see it as a frightening experience ,and it causes them to act out in the same manner..I had to pray a lot and seek God for help with my mouth , because it wasn’t making things better. I sought him about all this and he helped me to stop, because it wasn’t making things better anyway.. And I suffered a lot of verbal abuse and physical, even the children went through the same thing..After years of praying I finally found peace with taking the kids and leaving…I have seen a huge change in all of my children, they are slowly being healed from all the garbage they had been subjected to. Now your situation is sounds somewhat different, because you two don’t have the physical abuse present, so I hope you can try to talk to your wife and let her know how serious this behavior is affected you and the children ..and above all things pray for the Lord’s guidance , believe me , he will answer you !! GOD BLESS YOU

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