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Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions – sometimes all at once.

In the beginning of my relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me.  Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.

Sometimes my abuser’s words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of what he’s said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.

This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It’s not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what other’s have reported hearing, too.

Things Verbal Abusers Say:

  • “Why don’t you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait – I forgot – you can’t get a job because you’re a stupid sh!t.
  • “Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!”
  • “Bitch” (and the countless other names I won’t bother to list)
  • “I should have left you at the club with all the other whores.”
  • “If you were more like my mother I could worship you.”
  • “I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being.”
  • “I can’t stand to look at you. You make me sick.”
  • “You’re such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don’t you?”
  • “I can’t believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?”
  • “I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don’t know how to please a man!”
  • “You’re fat and miserable and you make me hate you.”
  • “You always look like God stomped on your face.”
  • “Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway.”
  • “You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh – time hasn’t been good to you, baby!”
  • “Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you’ll never see them again.”

Things Verbal Abusers Do:

  • Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
  • Defend what they’ve said.
  • Analyze what they’ve said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
  • Block you in a room so you can’t leave and thereby avoid what they’re saying.
  • Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
  • Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
  • Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
  • Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
  • Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
  • Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
  • Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a “look” and you know what they’re saying (then they may deny it).

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same.Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.

If you’re still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you’ll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you’ll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I’ve been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.

Start here:


You can also find Kellie on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. Visit her website at Verbal Abuse Journals: Verbal Abuse is Domestic Abuse that Leads to Domestic Violence or purchase her books from Amazon.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

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271 Responses to Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

  1. I can’t get into your husband’s head to know what he is thinking. However, this sounds like an effort to “keep the peace” until he can figure out how to get to you again. He doesn’t want you to leave him (abusers never do).

    When he starts in again (and he will), it will be a surprise to you, just as it was in the beginning. 35 years of ugliness doesn’t change overnight. Even with therapy, he would mess up now and again. He is ALWAYS in control of his emotions, or at least the emotions he shows to you. Being “sweet” is no different from being ugly. But he needs to keep you around until he figures out new ways to torture you.

    I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could thrown him.

  2. BB says:

    Constant verbal abuse making me feel inadequate….im working partner isnt and stays at his home 24/7 expecting me to always go to his… he has finacial probs and always makes excuses why we dont go out even if its for a walk….when I spend time with him and after buying shopping and cooking his meals he finds fault with everything I do….I recently had an operation which has made me put on a little weight.. he uses this and when we have words he says he doesnt go out with big women and calls me a fat cxxt!!! My size is 14 but have tummy probs…I am happy with me and work but when he starts on me I feel so inadequate and confidence drops…ive done everything to support him in his bad times but im now feeling why do I bother…..but for some strange reason I cant walk away…we been together 3 yrs we are a mature couple…I have my own house job…he lives alone with no job money!!! How can I walk away without feeling guilty of abandoning him when he needs me….he has pushed family and friends away

  3. Stephen says:

    Verbal abuse and setting limits with people and confronting them on their bad behavior, ect. are def not the same thing. I realize each situation is different, but some of these statements are dicey and a fine line and others are clearly verbal abuse. There have been times in my life where people had to be tough with me in a reasonable way and times I had to be tough and confront others. I think we live in a world where we expect everyone to go along with whatever we want to do, say, have…..and any deviation from that or any confrontation is seen as “mean” or “abusive.” I went through true, real abuse and it is not fun to put in mildly. Not getting your way or someone refusing to tolerate your constant negativity/complaining has been called abuse by some. It’s not. We need to be kind to one another but we also need to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Just because someone has called you out on something you do that you need to change, and then you feel badly or bad about yourself, that does not mean you are being abused. It can be very complicated and dicey is what I am saying.

  4. I don’t think it’s that complicated at all. If someone typically hurts your feelings (or your body) when you’re with him or her, then the behavior is abusive.

  5. Stephen says:

    I have hurt people’s feelings by telling them their constant complaining and fault finding was dragging me down and making me not want to spend time with them. That doesn’t make me abusive. At the same time, people have hurt my feelings by saying that they thought I needed to go on medication because my depression/anxiety was getting out of control. There is a big difference between talking down to someone and belittling them and confronting them on their actions/behavior. Just because you have hurt feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you are being abused. If someone is calling you names and putting you down, that is a totally different story. That is abusive.

  6. Kat says:

    I think when words are exchanged between people and these words are of a malice nature with intent to hurt then it’s pretty obvious that it’s abuse. Telling someone to ease up on a particular behaviour is not necessarily abusive but if you throw some personal slings in there it can be. Your putting that person down while your telling them to shape up. Not having someone’s best interests at heart while advocating for their behaviours to change or be addressed eg depression mental illness etc can be cause for an assumption of abuse. It’s very easily defined one from the other. Just take into consideration the intent. It’s either for help or harm. I think we are all adult enough to really deep down spot the difference.

  7. Gail says:

    Hi am I been reading thru all these bad things and am going thu the same at the min just woundering what people shud think I cud do please

  8. Jessie says:

    This is exactly my husband to a T. Everyday he has to find something to argue about. Maybe it’s the spot I left my purse, or that I didn’t make his coffee strong enough. But mostly it’s about how he treats the kids. He wants them to clean, he screams at them and threatens them.” I’m going to punch your stomach if you don’t do this.” I stand in the middle and say you do NOT say this to my kids. He then will call my psycho and tell me that I’m the one who is ruining the kids lives. Makes faces at me and tries to imitate me talking. It makes me so angry and usually I’m running to my room crying. He refuses to leave the house ever. Lazy, won’t fix or clean the house up. Leaves dishes and cans of soda all over the place. We have been in counceling for a few months. Each time I go with him he claims he’s going to change and that he loves me, etc. however things never change. When I bring up things like the councelor said this, he’s quick to say he did not, and I’m maki g up fantasies or that’s not what the councelor meant.im frustrated and angry. I resent even meeting him and having children with him.

  9. Amy says:

    I feel like I cant talk to my husband about issues that I would like to bring up for fear that he will just get angry and end up in a fight. He never just sits and listens to what I have to say and contemplate why Im saying what Im saying. He will usually interupt and want “proof” of everything. I dont feel valued or trusted. He doesnt spend time talking with me when he does its always about politics , never about issues at home,, I dont like the way he berates and belittles our kids. useing put downs and insults. He gets angry very easily. I am tired of not having any one to talk to or turn to . I dont feel like I can turn to him for fear of making him angry.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I live with a narcissist, a misogynistic, an egotistical, insecure individual. Two sides to every story of course but I mince words rarely: The verbal and periodical (pathetic) attempts at physical abuse verge on the edge. He’s incredibly successful in his field – on a global level – which is admirable yet he is so very damaged emotionally and when stress hits, he reacts by taking it out on me. The only way to deal with this type if able financially is to stay well away and refuse to accept any shit. It helps to be proficient in martial arts. Every day is a nightmare, listening to his constant complaints as is common with this type of personality. I understand this is the way he communicates. I choose to ignore his negativity and rebuke him every time he basically talks to me as if I’m an employee. I agree with him on most every point to keep the peace, basically scoff at his attempts to draw me into his drama. Stay strong, everyone, in this situation. Gas-lighting a common occurrence. Stuff disappears. Shows up in unexpected places. Best to not react. This type is looking for drama, turning everything around to blame, as narcissists do; using caustic “humor” to harm another as in his casually delivered to this writer earlier today, a 5’2, 110 lb. toned gym rat, “you’re too big on top; you look like a linebacker.” I responded as one learns to do after hearing daily abuse, “Thank you darling!” His response: “It wasn’t a compliment.” “I took it as one, love, thank you!” He wasn’t amused. Usually his angst is against me, turning the kids against, et cetera. as it has been this last decade in my second marriage with a flawed yet brilliant man. I’d leave, yet I l truly love the sod. His own mother thanks me for staying with him. And where would I go? Even with the means to leave, as I do, it’s just too much of a bother with so many rescue animals at hand, kids in college. I’d rather battle this bully despite the stress. He shan’t drag me down. Full stop. He knows this and it irritates him to no end. Despite the advice to “get the hell out” from the therapist a few years ago, I am staying despite his efforts to push me away … even as he swears his love for me. I don’t believe. I don’t trust. He’s lied to me from the get go. I trust my dogs more. Rant over.

  11. Ocean says:

    Hi my husband ,if I text him about something he tells me don’t bother him and he does not want to see me for the rest of the year also ,when I tell him something about cheating with little girls he tells me I am dreaming these things up and it’s not true when I have proof.

  12. marie says:

    My ex boyfriend ( my kids dad) will not leave- previously he has had knifes broken glass up to my throat, i let him stay for 1 night as he was homeless and he will not leave even though he has somewhere to go now- he always puts me down, i have not tidied the house well enough even though i spent all morning cleaning, the washing up is not all done, the worktop is still wet from when i cleaned it, there is a cup in the living room- he winged over every thing and when i try and stick up for myself he shouts at the top of his voice he has got to do everything and i am a lazy worthless bitch and other mean words and chucks plates and cups accross the room which scares me because what he used to be like punching kicking intimidating behavior.

  13. Ann says:

    For me I think it’s a combination of literally being in denial that I’m married to someone like this and continuing to allow myself to get drawn back in when I’m ready to call it quits. I’m always second guessing myself now so that doesn’t help either. My confidence is shot. I want to get the hell out of here. If I knew this is how it would be I would have ran for the high hills. There were no “red flags” or If there was I didn’t see them. I’m so jealous of what seems like everyone else I know in their loving happy and safe relationships. Reality has hit hard and I’m realizing I have no clue what being loved feels like. I’m starting to get bitter. There’s kids involved here too and the longer I stay with this fool the more I hate myself for letting this all happen. I feel like I’m just another statistic, living what I’ve learned from my parents. And if I don’t do something about this fast, my kids will very likely end up the same. I can’t tell you how much I wish I had documented all that’s happened over the years. I’m dreading the nasty custody battle that he has promised will go down if I try to leave. I’ve never felt so trapped in my life as I do now.

  14. keisha says:

    My boyfriend for 4 years (father of my son. Has become very verbally abusive. He tells me to do some sit UPS & shave my back and sideburns make myself look like an actual woman. It’s hurts my feelings really bad. Sometimes he will say mean things then apologize right after. He calls me stupid and that I’m a little girl. everytime I come acrossed a problem with him. He puts everything back on me. Making fun of where I work. Tells me I need an adult job. Sometimes I question myself with why I stay, its been harder to leave especially with having a son with him. He’s 10 years older than me I wonder if that has anything to do with it

  15. michelle says:

    2 year relationship. I moved in with him after 4 months. Going through life changes, my Teenage Sons moved in with their Dad . It made since at the time to move in. He and I both Drink., At first I liked that he didn’t complain about me having a nightly glass or bottle of wine… He didn’t complain because He drank a 12 pack of corona every night. everything was fine.., until I started asking about the future.. he never wanted to talk, and so I became a nag. this always was the start of each fight. The fighting and name calling got out of hand, I do not want to blame him. I would ask a question such as when can we sit down and look at houses? ( because we were and still are living in an apartment and the lease is was coming to an end. he told every neighbor as he sat outside on the patio,.. YEAH WERE OUTTA OF HERE WHEN THEV LEASE IS UP THIS PLACE HAS GONE TO S***) so me, being a woman of course I want to sit down and talk about where and when we are moving. Just the Question provoked, HUUUUHHHHG Get out of here ! leave me alone, and I would continue complaining and the name calling and then he would start the hands on pushing shaking me never punching me, but would ball his fist up and shake it so close to my face. I learned I couldn’t talk to him.. but it got worse. it seemed no matter what I said, it would set him off. I went into the bedroom and got in bed one night, he was asleep, he woke up screaming kicking me and pushing me out of the bed then taking all the blankets off the bed and going to the kitchen got a pot of water and turn the light on in the bedroom and screamed .. I do not even remember what he screamed. I have a framed picture with the quote, NEVER LET YESTERDAY USE UP TODAY. I try to live by this. do to my past this has been hard for me. so I have now am pretty good at letting things go and forgiving. He never says he is sorry. and if I bring anything up which I do not often because its not worth it, he says I do not remember. I remember everything. I moved out in August, things had gotten terrible. we kept seeing each other. We set a wedding date.I moved back in December, everything was fine for about a week.When I asked him are you sure we are getting married on March 19th 2016. he got mad and said F you. I have changed the way I react to him. Now I tell him You can not talk to me like that. he gets mad and ignores me. Since I have moved back in all of the following have taken place. name calling. pushing, ignoring. he has called me an asshole, cunt, bitch, stupid, idiot, just like your mother, you cant pay for anything, ( that is because I quit my job when I moved back in so we could spend weekends together, thinking this would make our relationship better. I am a hair stylist so I have worked almost every weekend since we have been dating. .. Anyhow, Long Story Short, I broke my lease to move back with him. I got my job back and start Tuesday, I want out. This is a mistake,. I love him I wish he would say he is sorry and tell me how much he loves me. I know better than this. I can not change him. but this sucks but , I have 2 legs 2 arms, and it could be worse, I can get over this man and I will. I know God has someone who will love me even if I ask him a question that comes across to be nagging.

  16. Laila says:

    :
    There’s nothing more hurtful than words. We all have hearts but some really need to think before they say things because you are unable to take those things away.
    The day started as normal, getting up making coffee and lunch. Work went well but when the day is over there is always someone waiting to hurt you even if they love you. In my perspective is that if you love someone don’t verbally abuse them with hurtful words because it is the exact same thing as judging a book by its cover as well as bullying. Bullying these days can get out of control. Different types of bullying, no matter what the situation is, you need to admit it to yourself that you are a bully.
    If you are older than a person that is younger than them, don’t disrespect them because like they say,
    “The wheel always turn”
    It is like a rotation cycle that happens every once a month. We have our bad habits for the month, man or woman but to show some respect and faith then that will make one person’s life a little bit better.
    Don’t live on the negative things in life because there’s always positive opportunities available with a little bit of thought.
    I am a young woman living in a world where there is hate and crime. But since I was young my mother taught me manners in a way that was strong because she learned that from her mother.
    If you have been with someone for a long time and they complete your heart, just don’t let them smash your heart into a million pieces because to be able to rebuild that puzzle is difficult.
    Being able to build that trust with someone is hard but losing it can happen really quickly. It is really easy to trust someone but trusting the wrong person will make you lose faith in someone that you believe in.
    I feel different emotions to everything around me, it’s entirely easy to dislike someone. I struggle on a daily basis but complaining about money problems every moment of your life can make you go into depression. Driving yourself to drink everyday of your life is making your body unhealthy. I have seen from my own experiences what alcohol can do to one self and it is not nice. You might be twenty eight years of age but on the outside you feel fifty years old and your skin starts to age more rapidly.

    18 January:

    Today started as a good day. No pressure or tension in the air. The air is warm as the warm air brushes over my face I start too notice the sweat already dripping down my forehead at 07:10am. As I am walking towards work, I stand and wait for the office to be open. I knew today was going to be a good day. The day was a bit quiet with a few things to do here and there but no hassle was in front of me. The day got hotter and even more warmer in the afternoon.
    One pm came around and I was off for a driving lesson. We did three point turn, reverse and driving back to work. As I returned back to the office, there was a bit of work for me to do.
    Tick tock and the day finally came to an end and I was more than happy to go home. I had patiently waited for you to come and fetch me but luckily I never waited long. It took us probably about an hour to get home with all the traffic but we reached home safely.
    I know to you it seems as if I don’t listen but you need to understand that I do but hurting me and be very sarcastic is really mean. Yes I understand this is your house and you pay for everything but reminding me every day is making it to me feel like I am not welcome in your home.
    I am honestly at a point where I don’t care if you like me or not but I also don’t care what mean things you say to me or about me.

  17. ab says:

    My husband and I have parted ways today. He’s always angry. He always complains. He is verbally and mentally abusive. Gaslighting…..everything is my fault. Stuff he said berating me then says he never said it. he never apologizes and yells at me like a wild animal. I feel pretty bad but I know he is abusing me. I don’t want my nine year old to learn these behaviors. He will never change and I can’t love him enough to change him. Also, he uses financial control to control me. I have no job but I hope I will soon.

  18. A. Logan says:

    It’s been almost three months since I left the man who verbally abused me throughout the last two years of our five+ year relationship. While it’s strangely ‘comforting’ to realize I was not/am not alone, it is of course equally heartbreaking to know that the cycle indeed will continue in other relationships.

    As I read and learn more about the evil called (verbal) abuse which had to endure, I thrilled to finally be able to validate, even if only to myself, that it actually WASN’T in my head after all.

    And that I WASN’T

  19. A. Logan says:

    It’s been almost three months since I left the man who verbally abused me throughout the last two years of our five+ year relationship. While it’s strangely ‘comforting’ to realize I was not/am not alone, it is of course equally heartbreaking to know that the cycle indeed will continue in other relationships.

    As I read and learn more about the evil that is called (verbal) abuse which had to endure, I thrilled to finally be able to validate, even if only to myself, that perhaps it actually WASN’T in my head after all.

    And that I WASN’T pretending to be confused by his words “simply because I was being a ‘dumbass’”.

    And I learned that I WASN’T being ‘too sensitive’ when his evil words hurt me to my very soul. Or a crybaby.

    And I also learned that NO, Jimmy you were WRONG to tell me that if I ‘just did what you’re told, I wouldn’t have to get so pissed at you’. It STILL didn’t prevent you from subjecting me to yet the many hours’ long verbal assault i endured. You’d still find reason to be angry and tell yourself it was YOUR right to attack me verbally… and it would still be ‘my’ fault.

    I learned also, the many hours I tried oh, so very hard, to logically discuss the situation with you in a cautious, calm and reasonable manner simply in order to explain my point of view WASN’T listened to by you, WASN’T cared for by you and NEVER would have made any difference to you. No matter how much I tried to tell you how your words hurt me. No matter how much I hoped with my whole heart that you might realize that there are other, better ways of resolving conflict, especially with someone you said you ‘loved’.

    And one day, I when I finally realized that no matter how you might have once loved me, you in fact, were NOT my prince charming, you were NOT my knight in shining armor, and you were NEVER the man you pretended to be. You were only a sad, sad pathetic man who didn’t know any better then to bully people to get your way; rather than having a rational discussion and actually being able to help SOLVE problems.

    You THOUGHT you were too good to ever say ‘I’m sorry’. And so you never said it.

    Once I finally left (and heck, even as recent as THIS week… omg really?), you’d send messages; you’d say to me how glad you were I was gone and that you never married me ONE day, but then send messages telling me that ‘my whole life is falling apart without you’ the very NEXT.

    I learned, too that YOUR selfish refusal to compromise as well as your lack of concern for any consequence, person, friendship, relationship, etc NEVER meant so much to you that you were motivated you to simply TRY. But you had no interest.

    You weren’t willing to entertain the idea that you were NOT always right, that there are different ways to get a point across besides yelling and insulting, alternative ways to communicate besides shouting and being degrading; I had always looked forward to the day when you began to think about the other person’s feelings in a relationship and make them a priority.

    I waited so long for you to decide you finally cared enough about our relationship to want to work together and for the both of us to emotionally grow; as well learn more effective ways of communication.
    ————————

    You never careed enough, however. Now my life is mine and I am 1300 miles from you and free; at last I am safely from the evil, hate and rage you carry within your very heart and soul.

    Ah… but I know how you think Jimmy, let’s not forget that.
    And knowing you like I do, it’s quite possible you may even try to convince yourself (and others) that you were in the right all along and I should have simply listened to you and none of this would ever have happened; or perhaps was simply *I* who was not worth any efforts on your part with which we could have used to repair our relationship;, you perhaps even see yourself as ‘blameless’ and can ‘justify’ laying the blame completely at my feet; of course, you might also be able to halfway convince YOURSELF that you believe this to be true and thereby adjudicating and absolving your soul of any and all guilt and accountability.

    It won’t work for long though will it Jimmy? bBcause we both know the true facts as they happened.
    Own YOUR part in this, as well as YOUR mistakes.
    Work through them, learn from them and never, ever, ever repeat them.

    A

  20. LostSelf says:

    Hello I took the courage to post my comment too after all the stories I have read which I can relate to. I am 29 and a lawyer, I am educated presentable and engaged to my verbally abusing fiancé for 1,5 months, to get married in 4 months. Signs were there all along , he was always an introvert, uptight, poker face person with no light moments. It felt wrong from the very beginning but the whole handsome successful serious and relationship material profile kept me going . I grew up in an unhealthy environment myself, witnessing my parents constant name calling and fighting from as far as I can remember . Maybe this has changed my perception of what is acceptable in a relationship.
    The initial signs of verbal abuse did not take long to appear. Constant criticism, name calling , belittling , trying to make me feel worthless without him, constant accusations about my family, trying to make me feel helpless and dependent on him although I was earning as much as he did , wrongful accusations to the point I was thinking he was talking about someone else (bad with money, bad with housework, not caring about the house, not sharing common expenses which were completely untrue) . He also had a very weird relationship with his mother (he has had a hard childhood, being abandoned by his father with minimum contact and grew up as an only child by an insecure, psychotic mother who has never recovered from her divorce) with constant guilt being used by her towards him and us as a couple due to the fact that she lives alone in another town and we had to visit her every Saturday which used to cause me tremendous pressure and stress, not being able to decide for my own schedule on weekends.
    Our relationship was always hard to cope with, constant efforts, fighting to the point where I was embarrassed from neighbors to see me afterwards , it was generally hard. Walking on eggshells was my life , and imagine I was a strong , self sustained and educated woman . I can’t understand why did I ever put up with this . Being with him was simply hard .
    My abuser had the image of mr perfect to our close environment. Loving , caring , always helping with the housework, being relationship material. Even in private he was very loving with me when he wanted . I was even told by many female friends that they would wish for their husband to be more like mine. He would simply be another person in public . When I finally broke my silence and confided the details to friends and family they thought I was referring to someone else. Another thing that made me dispute my judgment even more .
    We got engaged last year and he forbid me to discuss anything about the wedding till when he said so. Two months later he hurt me with his words saying he despised me , I made him sick etc until one day we had an argument about something stupid and he asked for the ring back and kicked me out of the house . Living with him under the same roof was a constant struggle : not only did I have to put up with his bad character , I was kicked out of the house millions of times until my insecurities took a toll on me. I left him on that day and he begged me to go back . I did go then (I was only engaged for 2 months) but was emotionally numb, full of hate and disappointment, unable to try for this relationship. Still I couldn’t go. This feeling never went away .
    A few months earlier , I decided to change into a new job. The impact on my psychology was rather bad as I am terrible with change and I was slightly depressed for a few months . He decided he could not stand me , he threatened to leave me and he could not be around me because of all the stress I created . He decided to sleep on the couch for 2 months as he couldn’t be anywhere near me. Let alone the constant name calling on how unworthy I was for feeling this way , how I messed up his life and our lives by being depressed about my work and how he could not tolerate me. We finally had a huge fight for an irrelevant reason where he threw all of my belongings in the corridor and started screaming at me to get out, threw me a whole bottle of water in my face , tried to lock me in the room and was pushing me hard against the wall ( I am very petite and he is a very big guy- that didn’t stop him from laying his hands on me) . I didn’t leave but couldn’t live with myself after all this . Not only did he give me zero support when I needed him but he also made things harder for me . His ability to make a person feel better is simply non existent. A few days later he demonstrated similar behaviors when I Complained because he was very rude on me on the phone (told me to ‘kick my brain off’ because I was busy while talking to him and he lost patience) so he told me to go to the room as he couldn’t stand me and that he would make me sleep on the couch . I decided to leave him once again. I was feeling very wrong to have someone treat me this way. I came to my parents house for a few days and he begged me to go back . I did go back just to find out his only intention was to threaten me to quit my job or else he would abandon me. He even had his bags packed when I went to ‘discuss’. I absolutely denied , he implied that the root to all of our problems was my job and that he couldn’t be with me while I was there. He said he would support me but I simply said no (been working since 21 , fully self sustained and I was not willing to be financially dependent from a guy who said I was not contributing when I was paying half the rent and expenses plus a guy that kicked me out practically every month). He threatened and insisted for 5 long hours where he got me to a point where I couldn’t wait for him to leave . He did leave but that of course wasn’t the end to my problems . Constant texting , psychological pressure while I was at work and many more , got me to a point where I could not operate and I was told off by my superior for not meeting up his expectations at work. I took him back and I still don’t know why. He clearly can’t change and I clearly can’t try. Of course , we had another fight after that because of the fact that he decided he doesn’t like my parents as they turned their back against me when I was having job troubles . That isn’t true . I felt I couldn’t take any longer . Out final fight was all I could take and all to make me realize he could never change . We were having all this trouble due to his behavior (I do take responsibility for my reactions for work) and he still insisted on creating more problems when he promised he would change . He even said he was willing to try counselling (promised the same last year but didn’t go) but I really don’t thing he is a position to understand what he is doing wrong let alone fix it . I am also powerless to try . I am drained . I do have feelings but he killed most of them. I am now at my parents once again and I told him I am calling the wedding off and want us to separate. He doesn’t accept it; he says all is my fault for not trying to leave things behind me since last year. Truth is I was so angry and hurt I couldn’t. He thinks this is no excuse. I am in a dead end . I have his deadlines to cope with (have to give a final answer by tomorrow) plus the wedding stress (meaning call it off) and I cannot even trust myself anymore that I can make the right decision. I feel that I have lost faith in myself so much that I can’t even decide what’s best for me. Guilt is also an issue for not trying since last year . I do know I deserve better . I earn a very good salary, I am pretty, young educated and a good person and I really can’t figure out what is wrong with me and why can’t I just stop this sick and toxic relationship. A part of me blames myself for not trying and another part simply screams get away, it will get worse. Help!!!!!

  21. Hannah222 says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he mentally abuses me everyday he has yelled at my mom my dad and aunt several times he tells me who I can and can’t talk to he screams in my face then blames every argument on me there isn’t a name he hasn’t called me when I cry he yells at me and tells me to stop every time we have sex he always says it could be better why am I still with him everytime I tell him I’m going to break up with him I take it back why can’t I break up with him WHY

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