My mind would swirl around and refuse to be still during my time with him. I would start a project and then throw it aside, or begin cleaning the bathroom and then find myself folding clothes while the bathroom went unfinished. I’d decide to go to the grocery but somehow forget to go because the mess in my head distracted me and tossed me in another direction.
I was off balance and down on myself for not being able to complete a goal or remember from one minute to the next what was important to me. I blamed myself entirely and wondered what was wrong with me. Fortunately, I only wondered that for short periods of time, too. Unfortunately, I always decided that the answer to that question was that I was hopeless and, without him to provide for me, I would have been dead a long time ago.
I no longer believe that answer.
I see now that my mind was mirroring my external existence. When he and I would talk, the conversation could take off in any direction at any time. It seemed no matter what the topic, the solution to fixing the issue fell on my shoulders. I was to blame for whatever problem we had (and the majority of our conversations were about problems). He seemed to like relieving himself of his responsibilities via placing them one by one onto me. I let him do it. To refuse meant to fight, and his anger was horribly scary.
Like in my external existence, conversations with him left me feeling incapable, unfocused, and just plain wrong. Nothing I said had meaning, or the meaning was twisted into words I’d never said and feelings I didn’t feel. My chores were left incomplete just like my thinking processes were left unfinished. I think I was actually unable to follow my thoughts to the logical conclusion that “He was wrong”. I stopped short and stuttered internally, and it showed externally in my inability to complete a task.
If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m having one of those moments where my mind wants to swirl away and focus on everything else going on in my life, not on writing this post. I’ve had a tough time of it mentally the past few days.
I think I’m suffering from anniversary anxiety – I left him about a year ago amidst fear and intimidation, and those are the emotions my brain seems to want to focus on right now. I find myself pulled back into the memories, and instead of being able to think my way out of them, I find that my cognitive abilities crumble in favor of the overwhelming emotion. It’s almost like it’s happening over again.
I am concerned that something bad is going to happen. I tell myself that it is simply the anniversary anxiety scaring me into the fear, but what if it isn’t? What if something bad is going to happen?
Paranoia is the gift he’s left me with today, and even though I know it’s within my power to refuse it, to refuse the memories, a part of me knows that to refuse the memories means to deny they exist. I know that next year this anniversary won’t be as horrid, but that thought doesn’t keep me sane when my entire brain screams out for relief.
How long will the effects of my abusive experience haunt me? How long will my mind remain attached to the pain? How do I stop this swirling dizziness and focus on what is right and good in my life now that I’m not living under his roof?
I know this will end and I will emerge from it strong and vibrant, just like I was a few weeks ago. But right now, I wish I could fall into a ball and roll away from the heartache and pain, paranoia and fear. The effects of abuse last a long time, and I must be patient with myself while those effects and the memories work their way out of me.
Kellie, I empathised with you immediately. I feel as you do. My partner, who was once my husband (!) yes married 25 years, divorced for 4 and now reunited for a few months doing a trip together, has not changed. He left me 4 years ago (yes it was supposed to be my fault) because of what he called our ‘bickering’, this was as you said was being unable to have a normal conversation, and always seemed to be about arguing about arguing, or going on about something I had done, the blame game, and me constantly trying to stand up for myself, but having it all twisted and me finally getting so confused I believed it was my fault. I was asked often to repeat what I had just said, but sometimes couldn’t remember. Normal people don’t ask for repeats of conversation or statements word for word. There was the silent treatment, the glaring, the put downs, the withdrawal of love and kindness, which alienated me and made me feel so abnormal and alone. He never treated me badly ever in front of anyone else, and for years I kept quiet and never spoke about it. Even finally my therapist was disbelieving as we both had therapy sessions separately, and he was an absolute charmer. Today 18th Feb, wehave reached the point of going our separate ways again. No empathy, no acknowledgment of my emotional pain and confusion brought by his irrational behaviour toward me, he is in total denial of course and it is all my fault. I am now 69 I love the guy I cannot imagine my life without him in it, but I feel I owe it to ME to find out finally who I am still and once again be the bubbly lovely woman I once was, without living in fear or even a cough or a laugh or saying something that he would put me down for and even mimick me. Perhaps living on my own would be the kind thing to do for me. Now I’m feeling selfish, because he has a problem. When I have said that in the past to him, he has said “I know who has the problem”…….innuendo…..
Hi Kellie again, I forgot so much, but one of the things I forgot was mentioned his anger. I see you experienced it too. It is scary and yesterday, yes only yesterday, he was fussing the dog and she growled at him and he violently and angrily said “If you don’t do something with the dog within one second I’m going to ram this beer mug down her throat”. I was protecting the dog and I removed her from the situation, and he then accused me of siding with the dog!! Later I told him how scared he made me feel and he told me that he had been brought up to protect himself etc etc. and this was of course an excuse or reason for his behaviour and of course it was totally twisted around and it was my fault. Nothing I said made any difference, that was his mind set. Then this morning, we were talking and he said “My therapist told me that we would end up killing each other on this trip and this is why we’re separating, because one of us is going to die”!!! After all the foregoing, he is now making me a cuppa. It will be as though nothing happened later on and he will be asking “What’s the matter with you”? after having put me through the ringer with his words and anger and attitude. Do we have an answer Kerrie? It looks as though we should make a decision, but it’s so hard.
Oh my – I had forgotten about the “word for word” bit. He would do that to me, too. I always wondered why, if he remembered my exact words so well, did he want me to repeat them?! I’d tell him that I didn’t remember my exact words but I certainly remember what I meant and I could tell him again if he was confused. OH NO! That was not what he wanted. He wanted me to remember those exact words because attempting to do so put a distraction into the conversation. How many times did you fall quiet, trying to remember exactly what you’d said, only to have him move forward in the conversation or hop over into another issue? It wasn’t about the exact words, it was about confusing and attempting to humiliate us.
Geesh. That “exact words” request was practically a building block in the way we communicated. Toward the end, I started using a digital recorder so I could go back and listen to the insanity. Guess what? More often than not, he got my exact words wrong when he repeated them back to me, or he got the words right, but twisted their meaning out of context. I was always explaining myself, always saying, “That’s not what I meant!” So frustrating.
As far as you feeling selfish, I think that may be a universal theme abusers want their victims to buy into. I wrote about it on my other blog here: http://verbalabusejournals.com/verbal-abuse-marriage/2009/05/29/separate-selfishness-happiness/ and in a separate post, I wrote, “The word “selfish” keeps running around in my mind. I think I’ve been called selfish so often that it’s hard to know when I’m being selfish and when I’m being true to myself.”
Keep that thought in your mind, Susie. Self-interest is much different from selfishness. Be true to yourself.
It’s hard to make a decision because we “allowed” them tell us what to think for so long that we don’t know what to think. You mentioned your age in your previous comment, and I would like to tell you that your age does not matter here. You know what your life will be like if you continue on with him. I can tell you that your life without him will be so much sweeter.
I’ve been “out” for a year. I do struggle with the memories, and I do fall prey to the bad seeds he helped fertilize in my mind at times. HOWEVER, this past year has been the most joyful year of my life. If you think about the four years you were separated from him, what do you remember? I’ve often thought that if I somehow went back to him, life would be a honeymoon for maybe three weeks, then the blinders would come on and I, we, would be right back in the thick of it. I think I would fall right back into that role and life would become confusing and horrid – that I would blame myself somehow for “it”. I’m wondering if this is what planning this trip with him is doing to you. Are you right back in the thick of it as if you never left?
I am 67 and I left my verbally abusive husband 8 months ago. He calls me constantly and tells me how much he needs me and loves me. He came for a visit and for a few days we had a wonderful time together. Then I agreed to visit him at our home. I went for a two week visit and after just two days he threw a violent fit demanding that I sign off the deed to our jointly owned home. I gave in and agreed. I signed the papers. On my last night with him he went into another of his emotional tyrades. While he was all involved with his upset, I secretly switched the papers on him and brought the original deed back to my new home leaving him with the useless photocopy. I felt guilty for a few days but I got over it. He had bullied me into signing off on the property and I felt like I was shooting myself in the foot. I am no longer sorry about my decision to look out for old number one. Count your blessings!
Thank you for your blog here. I relate whole heartedly to this form of verbal attack from my ex-partner. He believed he had a photogenic memory or close to it and constantly told me the way i saw or recalled a conversation or circumstance was not the way it was.
I understand our memories are selective in all situations. The problem with this abuser though, his was not. There were times though he could not deny it’s truth and brushed it off with .. oh well.. it happens or i thought it was so and so..I too came to the point of taping a conversation. Just wish I had done it on many occasions … the other abusive phrase I received a lot from him was, ” I told you already, you don’t get it”, “I have been trying to tell you, but you never let me speak”. He was notorious for blaming me for interrupting and not allowing me to speak and naturally when I did try , he interjected with his comments of what i was saying was wrong, and therefore I was left as mentioned above, could not think straight.
I am 50 and he 63. I am convinced at this point I was with a classic narcissistic/( many forms) anti-social, and other psychopathic personality disorder personality. I sadly became a counter- abuser. Most often, if not always, triggered. I stayed in this for five years until three weeks ago. Again being left to look like and was , “the abuser”. Although there is no excuse for abuse,mine was more the lying, head games, verbal attacks, and taking things..and thankfully in all the years three minor physical brushes , that is if there is such a thing as minor,all of which was triggered by his actions..
I have found many avenues of healing both in books and web sites such as this over the years. I am looking forward to an appointment at shaman healing center in my area. Or it was a trip to peru, I think I’ll do that too. I would agree with Kelly’s question to Holly, concerning your planning this trip. I went back n forth for years in , hope of , lord knows what…it does not work.
Kelly, I too have struggled before with the thought and memory of the past and struggle with non productiveness.. or nothingness… i have found often, it is, turning my thought, to, a better thought. I have also recognized it ( those yearnings) as my desire to escape the somewhat chaotic world we live in and that is exactly what this relationship was for me.. my weird sense of escape and excuse to not take responsibility. The man I was with is about to be 63 this next month. I was his longest relationship at an, on and off ,5 years. Most of his others did not last a year. I have come to understand he probably had at least 40 or more short lived flings..if not double that. He also has lived only once, in a place for more than a year since he was 18. And that was only about 3 & 1/2. Yes, he had a terrible un-loving upbringing , military.. as he once said his father was Clint Eastwood in Grand Torino although his father would have done nothing in the end.. he ( my ex) admitted how much he feared he would become his dad and you know the end to that fearful thought..
I too, was and am a bubbly , bright , energetic woman with a 16 year marriage behind me ( civil divorce to this day) I allowed myself to be drained and bleed of spirit. I am the pieces, I am picking up.. and happy once again re-creating the life I truly desire. As a student of metaphysics, I am the happiness, and as i live , know and breath, that, happy things, thoughts and people will be drawn to me.
I chose every thought and action and take responsibility for all that I am. Thank you agin for this blog . nancy