I’m an independent contractor. This means I sit in front of a computer screen, in my apartment, alone, writing all day. While this is the dream for many a writer, I can tell you it gets lonely. It’s tough not having coworkers to chat with at the water cooler.
And this is particularly salient because I have bipolar disorder. I have a tendency to cocoon anyway, and then you take away the day-to-day interactions with people and I suddenly find that I haven’t talked to a person in real life in a week.
So I have to schedule in a personal life – whether I want to or not.
I Don’t Want to Go Out, I Don’t Feel Well
In all honesty I don’t feel well almost ever. That’s what happens when your mental illness isn’t well-controlled. And so, always feeling sick, I never feel like going out. I don’t actually want to see anyone. I don’t actually want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone, preferably under my big, fluffy duvet with my cats purring by my side.
Socializing is Healthy
But I can’t do that. At least, not all the time. Because it’s not healthy to hide under goose down all the time. It’s not healthy to only live in my head. It’s not healthy to only talk to myself. There’s a reason why good doctors will ask you about your social life – it’s because it matters. It matters that you go out. It matters that you feel the sun on your face. It matters that you talk politics in a hipster café. That stuff can make the difference between wellness and illness.
Scheduling Socializing
And so, knowing that socializing is important, and knowing that I don’t get enough, and knowing that I’m inclined not to do it, I schedule in a social life just like I schedule conference calls or writing deadlines. Bing-bong – it’s Wednesday, have you scheduled your weekend brunch yet? Have you had coffee with a friend yet? Have you called your friend that lives out of town yet?
Yes, I actually make an effort to make sure that something happens every week. Yes, sometimes I even put it on my calendar. Because then I hold myself to it. Because then I don’t let myself off the hook by saying that I don’t feel well or that I don’t feel like it. I never feel like it. That’s no excuse.
Because when it comes down to it, going out with friends is helpful even if you don’t feel like it. Their normalcy, their happiness, their not-being-in-your-headedness is infectious. They will help you just be being across the table sipping a latter or nibbling at strips of bacon. And even though your illness will lie, and tell you not to go, it’s important to know the truth – friendships help. Socialization helps. Even if you need an Outlook calendar to accomplish it.
You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or GooglePlus or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter.
I make an effort to go to a coffee house put on for and by people in the “Mental Health Community” once a week. That is all the socializing I do. I am an extreme introvert and it is torture for me to socialize. In my past I would self-medicate to get out and go to work or school. Socializing for me even in a small way is exhausting, however it is necessary for me to remain part of the human race.
So I go to my coffee group. I go to school and drop off work or do tests, otherwise I do not go.(which is fine, diagnosed ADD so I don’t have to physically attend class)
Tonight is the coffee house, it was my promise to my spouse that I attend, now it is a promise to myself. It really tires me out but I can see the benefits.
Natasha – Good writeup for a very good message. Although uncomfortable at times, we should daily reach out (in person or phone) each and every day to at least someone just to check in and remember we are human. Yes, the illness will lie and say your planned time together is “useless”, “going to be awkward”, and “a waste of time, better off safe alone at home.” Tell the friend/relative/coworker you are meeting what your inner voice has been saying about the occasion. It will give you both a laugh!
I was just discussing this in therapy not even two hours ago. Many times I have to do the opposite of what my disorder may tell me. Of course with balance but having these kind of coping skills (for me, communicating how I feel makes it harder for me to bs people and get worse in private)
This is a very good point. I am seriously worried that I have become an internet addicted recluse. I have been very ill with serious episodes of bp for about 18 months. I have not wanted to leave the house and have become overly dependent on my computer for social interaction. My psyciatrist is very good and does always ask me about my social interactions. This article really brings home to me the fact that I have to made a consious effort to get out of the house and meet up with friends. I shouldn’t let my illness induced agrophobia and apathy defeat me now I am on the mend.
This is an issue I struggle with him..I want to be social, but I’m scared to death to do it. When I *am* social I feel I’m putting on a show. sigh.
Great to see people here taking control and working at being more social. Congratulations to all working at that because I know how tough it can be.
- Natasha
Mercurial,
Well, here’s the thing, pretty much everyone puts on a show. It’s the human condition. The woman going through a divorce looks happy, the guy who just found out he’s going to be an unplanned father looks unworried and so on. None of us are who we pretend to be.
- Natasha
I live in a smallish town and have had the unfortunate experience of being very bipolar in very public places. Sometimes someone will remember me and when I finally realize how and why… Well I cringe. It’s cut back on my socializing just a bit.
I av never been a social person but I enjoy it each time I spend time out. Its a good way to relax. Sometimes I feel am agoraphobic but I try to overcome it with much effort. Studying psychology now has realy opened my eyes. Thanks
After years of self-medicating with alcohol and other drugs,I managed to take control of my addictions, but discoverd through the subsequent therapy that I was bipolar (to me,the old term of “manic depression” is more accurate ).I’m pretty much a hermit these days,but don’t really understand why.What’s worse-I really don’t care anymore.I probably wouldn’t emerge from the domicile at all if not for my wife.I’m retired now and just turned 64- spend most of my time on the internet talking to people about music which is my life-long passion.Don’t know if I’ll ever get back to in-person socializing.My question to other bipolar folks is-do you ever feel like you’ve done everything that matters in life,and like why bother anymore?I don’t like the feeling but it hangs ever-larger in my life these days.
I have always been an introvert. I can go out and work and nobody will even know there is anything wrong. I call that my social me. Then there is the other me when I am with friends. The third me is just me by myself with the thoughts that nobody else knows. The fear, racing thoughts, anxiety attacks, etc. I am on medication which helps. As far as a social life, I work as a cashier in a small store in a small town. The majority of the customers are really nice and I enjoy talking to them. It’s funny because when I listen to thier problems it makes me feel better knowing that even if we don’t have the same problems or illnesses, we do share something in common. The best thing that has happened to me from my work is that I met a friend there. She was my Asst. Mgr. For the first 2 years that I worked there I rarely talked to anyone. Then Joannie started working there. I don’t know how but she got me so far out of my shell. I always say that she has perverted me in some ways. She no longer works with me but we are best friends now. More like sisters. If she does not hear from me she knows I am having a bad time about getting out of the house so she will call and tell me to come over. She has to tell me as otherwise I will make excuses. Last week I was running errands and had an anxiety attack which led to a depressive attack with me crying. I pulled over and called Joannie and asked if I could go over. She knew something was wrong but didn’t push the issue just said to come over. While driving there I just kept telling myself to suck it up and quit crying. I hate crying. I got there and she did not ask anything just sat with me and started talking about whatever. Within 10 minutes I was calm again. I did tell her before I left about what bad shape I had been in. I am so grateful that I have a friend, finally, who truly understands my illness and is there for me. Like most others I put on my happy face at work, visiting relatives (they do not believe in mental illness).