“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
Life is pain.
Or, at least, it can be. I’ve found that during severe episodes every breath, is, in fact, pain. There is nothing else. Just pain or unconsciousness. I prefer unconsciousness.
Being Awake
The trouble is, depression is horrendously painful. It is the pain that makes pain scream. And there tends to be nowhere to hide. Depression checks behind rocks, it seems.
And the thoughts or the lack of thoughts that go with that depression haunt every blink. This ridiculous struggle not to die moment after moment. Don’t slit your wrists. Don’t overdose. Don’t jump off a building. It’s all so entirely exhausting.
Being Asleep
But being asleep is different. Somehow, in my dreams, I am never in the agony of depression. Somehow in my dreams I’m normal. I fall in love. I smile. I do the impossible. I feel happy. I have no idea how my brain manages it. But somehow it doesn’t register the pain.
And flickering in and out of sleep is almost as glorious. It’s just enough unconsciousness to drone out the angry, hateful voices and yet enough consciousness to enjoy it. It’s your brain, on sleep.
So I’m Tired, A Lot
And so I find the lure of sleep to be that of a siren. Something that calls to me with inescapable tone. Why would I ever want to live in a world where the air is acid when I can simply lay my head on goose down feathers and close my eyes?
And knowing this, I feel very, very tired. It’s true, depression will make a person tired regardless, but I suspect my mind, knowing of the relief of sleep, urges its presence rather strongly.
And while I know it’s difficult to get work down or clean the kitchen while asleep, it’s so much better than many of the other options. When asleep, my heart, my wrists, my bones are intact. Not getting any better. But not getting worse. And not getting dead. That’s something.
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I completely agree and this couldn’t come at a better time. My husband has colon cancer just diagnosed one week ago. All I want to do is sleep to make the problems go away. The problems and depression are still there in the morning, that’s the problem. I went to bed last night at 7 pm and still feel exhausted but at least for all those hours (because I woke up at 6 am) I didn’t have to think, didn’t have to worry, no depression. I just wish all problems would go away when I’m awake.
Michele
Michele,
Yes, unfortunately, it’s like any “quick fix” it doesn’t actually solve a problem. But sometimes the break from thinking about the problem is worth it anyway.
- Natasha
I just want to sleep all the time, too. I have all these “ghost” pains. And Natasha, when I dream I’m not depressed either. Unless I have a nightmare, sleeping is such a releif!
At least when I’m asleep, the thoughts stop. This is why I usually load up on meds and force sleep when I’m depressed. Definitely not the healthiest thing to do, but it keeps me from dying. Though I sometimes wish I’d never wake up. Maybe end up in a fantasy dreamland, like limbo in Inception.
On Oct 15, 2011 my nephew took his life. I have been very torn up, confused, with him and his parents wanting to blame someone and why would a 18 year that appeared to be ok on the outside do this- I didnt even know he was add,bi-polar until after his death. After lots of investigating on my own through his “facebook” I’m pretty sure I know why and I cant really blame him or his parents (they had problems werent getting along he out and I felt my sister was too hard on him) I found several “lyrics” 8 total that he had wrote at different times since oct of last year. He spoke of Heartache,darkness,sleep, his mind not shutting down,hollow,misery and his last entry on sept 28th called forgotten battle -all these “as others that read them thought they were just song lyrics were actually the story of his life for the last year and pretained to thoughts of death, and his planning his death all the way up to his death here last weekend just put a front that no one seen so just to comment to these people that are dealing with it and getting treatment and please find someone to talk to dont be alone- Austin was and now he’s gone and doesnt know exaclty how many people this has hurt and effected (lots) his facebook and family and friends has gone crazy with sympathy and shock of his death, There is hope and help but its up to you to ask for it and for the families to see the signs- none of us did until too late now on Sun Oct 23, 2011 we have to bury him and then I’m suppose to enjoy my 19 year olds birthday
I have the opposite when it comes to sleep. The more depressed I am, the more likely I am to have nightmares. Not scary, but obviously not real nightmares. I have dreams that the ones I love don’t love me anymore, or that someone is bullying me and no one stops them, or that I’m trapped someone alone. I’m so tired, but I fight sleep because I know I’ll only wake in a few hours crying and having a panic attack. It’s not fair.
Hi Natasha,
Great article and so many other wonderful links within this one. Thank you for sharing your personal story and how you feel, I think it will help many and I like that you also touch on the thoughts that accompany depression and the struggle to stay alive and keep on going.
I’ll share this on Twitter and Facebook!
Thanks, Barb
Absolutely spot on.
I’ve suffered with clinical depression for years and I’m tired all the time. Sleep is my friend. Unfortunately, sleep’s not much use when it comes to functioning in the world, acid though it may be.
Now my doctor’s (who have been wonderful) have diagnosed bipolar disorder.
If only I had the brilliantly creative and feverish bursts of energy associated with the manic phase!
Getting out of bed about takes all my energy. You have my sympathy and my thanks for sharing.
My very best wishes, Gareth
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