Everyone who has been bipolar, or mentally ill in general, for longer than about a day-and-a-half has experienced failed treatments. We’ve all had medications that didn’t work. Therapy that didn’t help. Lifestyle changes that did nothing. And so on, and so forth. In fact, most of us experience months of treatment failure before we find treatment that works for our mental illness.
But after years of failure and trying everything you can think of and still being sick, how does one keep going? How do you keep going when mental illness treatment doesn’t work?
Do You Regret Trying a Treatment?
People have asked me if I regret trying some of the treatments I have had, like VNS or ECT as they were painful and didn’t work.
I can understand why people would think I’d regret it, but I don’t. Because you can never tell if a treatment is going to work before you try it. Every treatment is a question mark and the only way to know whether you’ll get better or not is to try. I don’t regret trying. Because even failure is information to use moving forward.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
- Thomas A. Edison
Treatment Doesn’t Work
I have experienced far more treatment failures than I have successes. I’m what you call treatment-resistant, also known as a doctor’s nightmare. A doctor gives me pills, I get every side effect. I do therapy and I know what the therapist is going to say before they say it. I make other changes in my life to little or no effect.
Nothing works.
And when I say nothing, I mean 40+ medications and practically an infinite number of combinations. Intolerable side effects. Pain. Uselessness.
Seriously. Nothing.
Why Bother?
A friend of mine sometimes gets depressed. And he told me, he forces himself to go outside and do things anyway. When I asked him why, he said he knew staying inside wasn’t going to make him feel better, but outside there was at least a tiny chance something would happen to make him less depressed.
Ah. Brilliant.
Continuing treatment is extremely simple: If I try something new, there is a chance I will get better; if everything stays the same, there is no chance.
Treatment, Even That You’ve Already Tried, Can Work
Today is not yesterday and today sure isn’t three years ago. You’re not the same. Your illness is not the same. You may not have seen a good response three years ago, but you might today. Or tomorrow. Or a month from now.
And the truth is there are always more treatments. Therapy, medication, ECT, VNS, rTMS, DBS and on, and on, and on. And any one of them can work. Really.
Because even a tiny chance of getting better is infinitely superior to no chance at all.
You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or GooglePlus or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter.
Now that’s looking at the glass half-full, isn’t it?
Darren,
I generally consider it an accurate assessment of the glass, but that’s me.
- Natasha
I’m also treatment resistant and it’s been over 3 years since I felt good. But I won’t give up. I really like what you said gives me hope.
Michele
I have been struggling with the idea of being treatment resistant for a while now. I go back and forth between thinking i have an illness and its stubborn OR maybe, I don’t and this is how I am- healthy but feeling shitty and this is how everyone feels and i just am weak?
I wonder about this- a lot. I wonder if its my job, not an illness, if its my relationship and not an illness, I even wonder if maybe i am just dehydrated!!!
Today, Im in treatment, but still feeling shitty and depressed and anxious. I wrestle everyday with it and someways- i feel like its not worth the effort.
Hi Robin,
This is really, really common. When treatment doesn’t work it feels like your fault – but it isn’t your fault. Mental illness can be very difficult to treat and you just haven’t found what you need yet.
It’s natural to blame yourself, but please know, that’s just the disease talking. It’s not you.
I recommend discussing this in therapy because a therapist is always there to back you up and fight the nasty things your disease tells you.
- Natasha
Hi Natasha,
I started on a new treatment programme for my bipolar this spring with high hopes and a really positive recommendation from my psychiatrist. It didn’t work. I got to a stage where I was feeling upset with myself for not responding as expected to the meds, which I know is crazy, but that’s how it was. I’m changing meds now and have been on the new one a couple of weeks. I know I am going to be really disappointed if this one doesn’t work either, but reading your post has helped me get a bit of a sense of perspective back, thanks!
Hi, Natasha:
Great post. I just want to say that I have been following you for a while on HealthyPlace.com and on your website. I appreciate your honesty on the topic and am glad to be part of the blogging team. Thank you for, as they say, keeping it real.
Natalie
@ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/recoveringfrommentalillness/
So often we approach treatment with unrealistic expectations, especially when we are new to the game. Frequently we are coming from very painful and scary places – we look to treatment for salvation. We forget that treatment is more art than science, and that a cure is not a binary thing, like throwing a switch. The patients that do best are the ones that think of treatment as a process which requires a lot of trial of error, fine-tuning, and even experimenting. It is frustrating at times but patients need to know that if care providers had a magic solution they would not hide it. — Those who crave certainty should remember that, while no treatment is infallible, what IS certain is that if they continue to do nothing, they will certainly continue to suffer.
Hi Alistair,
Great comment.
“It is frustrating at times but patients need to know that if care providers had a magic solution they would not hide it.”
Yeah. I’ve felt like they were “hiding it” before. Not because I really thought they were but because I couldn’t get better and I was desperate and I knew that other people got better. It _seems_ like they’re hiding it, but of course, they’re doing the best they can. (Which I tell people all the time and yet people find it hard to believe.)
- Natasha
BipolarBlogg and Natalie,
Thanks for the positive feedback. Glad I could help with perspective; it’s a challenge for anyone.
- Natasha
Hi Natasha,
Thank you for telling your story. It certainly can be a long path towards getting the right medication and sometimes it can be a very lonely journey.
My lifesaver was lamictal. I hope you find yours soon.
MB xx
I’ve tried and had several medication failures. Some ended in hallucinations, while others triggered a severe mania. The worst failures I’ve found are the ones where instead of side effects, it just stops working. As depressing as those failures can be, I’ve always tried to remain realistic. Every time I’ve tried a new drug, I learn more about myself; what I’m willing to tolerate, what sort of symptoms I tend to get, any life style changes that have improved my stability regardless of the drug. I see each medication as a chance to learn a little more about myself, and that stays with me even after a failure.
I’ve been dealing (unsuccessfully) with depression and bipolar for many years. After surviving suicide attempts and finally getting a job with insurance and seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis, just when I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, my psychiatrist hit me with the “you’ll never be whole” thing. Gee. Thanks. Just what a depressed person needed to hear. Then my Aspergers son tried to kill his little brother–twice. Anyway, there is help out there, and I am proof of it. Yes, my current doctor just spent an hour trying to reason with me that I am psychotic, but not enough to commit me (already been down that road), and my eldest son hasn’t killed anybody yet. Yes, there are many downs like having to quit my job, and devoting many hours to counseling, and everybody involved is taking medications, but it’s worth it. I refuse to accept that I have a masters degree and can’t find a workplace to “fit it”. I remain optomistic that with continuted treatment, I won’t off myself, my eldest won’t kill off the family, and eventually we will all attain some type of success in our personal lives.
My oversimplified understanding is that many time diagnosis is determined by what you actually respond to–so if you’re bipolar you should respond to mood stabilizers but stay away from anti-depressants. So if someone is not responding to meds sometimes it is easier to change diagnosis than to wait for the next drug that is being put on the market. Especially if you are woman or person of color for which the classic symptoms might present differently.
~N, I totally relate to your friend who forces himself to go outside. With me however, I take my trusty weed puller. It is a task that I can completely focus on and I can turn around and see some immediate results. Of course here in the Great Pacific Northwest, we have no shortage of weeds! But, if I am in a particularly difficult state of mind over a long period of time, I’ve told all of my neighbors not to be surprised at seeing me on my hands and knees in their front yards cutting a swath of dandelion destruction. They don’t seem to mind.