Schizophrenia and Parenting: Step In or Let Go?

A message comes to me via social media, along with an invitation to connect. It simply says, “My 27 year old child has schizophrenia, but will not get treatment.”  Oh boy, can I relate to that. Unfortunately, this is a major dilemma facing all of us who deal with mental illness in our families.

Parenting is always about the precarious balance between stepping in to help, and letting go to allow learning from experience. From a child’s first steps to his or her first relationship, car,  job, apartment…when to give advice? When to help? When to step back and watch them sink or swim?

For the parents of a child without a physical or mental illness, this process is difficult enough; for those who are dealing with illness in our children, it’s that much harder. The consequences of stepping aside, of letting go, could be disastrous: poverty, hospitalization, an arrest, flight, or even – tragically – suicide.

Schizophrenia and Freedom Can Be A Scary Combination

Back when a hug was all it took...

Back when a hug was all it took...

My own son, Ben, 29, has just moved from seven years in a group home (24 hour staffing) to his own apartment. There is some support – a caseworker, medication supervision – but also a new lack of structure. No required group meetings. No chores scheduled. No one – except the roaches – to know if he washed the dishes or not.

Am I excited for him? Of course. Am I concerned? You bet I am. Is there much I can do? Only some things. He could crash, he could cheek his meds, he could oversleep and miss an appointment, he could become lonely and isolated. But if I call to see how he is, he sees right through me. “Mom, I’m fine. I’ll get to work on time. Of course I’ m taking my meds. I’m fine in the apartment all alone on my day off. Yes, I”ll unpack  soon.”

So I let him live. Alone. And I watch from the wings, ready to alert his caseworkers if I see any warning signs. Three days ago I saw the unmistakable (to me) signs that Ben had missed a day of meds – so I sounded the alarm to all new staff members who donot know his tricks yet. And now he’s okay again – so far.

Now I only see him on family occasions, or  on rainy days when he can’t take his bike to work. Could he wind up in the hospital again if I am not there to witness symptoms? Yes, of course. And I hate that. But we have only so much control.

My Adult Son with Schizophrenia: We Hope for the Best

As always, we do what we can and then hope for the best. Keep an eye out for trouble, and our hearts in a place of faith in Ben and his ability to make the adjustments to this new life.  Scary? Oh yes. We do the best we can for our loved ones -secretly or openly – and then sometimes all that’s left is to take care of ourselves and the rest of our family.

My mantra at these times? “Whatever happens, we will handle it somehow.”

I don’t always know how, but I know that we’ve managed before, and will again. And I ask for help when I need it.

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176 Responses to Schizophrenia and Parenting: Step In or Let Go?

  1. brianna says:

    My uncle and his son are schizophrenic. My uncle and father were abused as children. When my little cousin was five years old he watched his dad shoot his mother in her leg. My uncle spent 14 years in prison and when he came home he lived with my grandmother. My uncle scared me all the time talking about building aircrafts to get away when the government attacks and living in the woods and only eating fruits and veggies because it’s “perverted” to eat an animal or drink milk from an animal. Almost two years after he came home he shot my grandmother in the head while she was sleeping. This was the most devastating day of my life. He doesn’t believe he did it he says “they” set him up. Now his son is currently incarcerated for chasing down a biker who cut him off while driving and attempting to slit his throat. The man lived thank god. Now I’m concerned because my dad believes my uncle was set up and he’s been talking crazy about my mom saying she’s cheating when she’s at work and tells us all he sees the devil in us. My dad has always been abusive to my mother and was abusive to me as a teenager. I can hardly understand anything he says, nothing makes sense. I’m really worried he’s going to try to hurt my mom or someone else in the family. But nobody will try to get him admitted because without him we can’t afford our house. I’m lost and scared and don’t know what to do.

  2. Karen Powell says:

    I cannot do this any more. My older sister, in her early 60′s, has been in 1 terrible group home after another. She is schizophrenic and for some reason, I am the 1 she is angriest at and least likely to listen to. I am her younger sister and she hallucinates quite frequently that I am dead. After DECADES of hospitalizations, arguing with her to switch psychiatrists, begging the psychiatrists to try something new, begging her to let me move her to a new group home, unsuccessfully having her live with me a few times and getting evicted because of her, I now sit here and I cannot do this anymore. No family will help with her. My daughter used to help, but now is mad at me and blocking my phone calls, so she is not even calling my sister. We finally thought a few years ago that we had found a decent group home. Then my sister started losing weight several months ago. She is a heavy smoker and I thought she might have lung cancer. Then she fell at that place hitting her head and e_m_s was called because she was unresponsive. Her lungs looked okay at the hospital. 10 days later, she fell again breaking her left hip. The woman who owns the place put my sister in a wheelchair and waited almost 3 hours to get her to the hospital in a car. Then she informed me by text my sister was “hurt” and she left my sister alone at the emergency room. After surgery, my sister was transferred to rehab today. This will only be for 1 week. I am trying to find another place to move my sister to and only have a few days to do this. In the meantime, I have reported this place to adult protective services. And my sister has been calling this place and telling the owner she is coming back there after rehab. When I brought up the subject of finding another place, of course my sister rejected the idea. She cannot go back there. In the middle of all this I am dealing with my own health issues. I have stage 4 liver disease and have now developed heart issues, which is stopping the doctor from treating the liver problems. That’s my new doctor. I switched doctors because my old doctors were doing nothing for me. The last few days, I find myself counting pills. I have many. Portal hypertension, varices, depression and anxiety. I have pills for them all. I could never do it, take them, for who would take care of my sister? I pray to God and tell Him it is all in His hands. But I am holding on by a thread.


  3. Randye Kaye says:

    Karen, I’m so sorry for your pain. The emotional (and decision-making) burden on siblings is so often overlooked. I worry about the responsibilities that may lay ahead for my daughter Ali and her husband when we are gone….tho of course no one wants to think about that. I urge you to get some help for yourself, as you try to get support for your sister. Have you attended any support groups for yourself? Taken Family-to-Family? Hanging by a thread s even worse when you feel that you are all alone. Please hang there.

  4. errantskye says:

    I have read all of the posts and I am sorry for all of your pain. It is not your fault your child has a brain chemistry problem. Once your child is an adult in my opinion it is not totally your responsibility to fix it. Myself, my brother, nephew and daughter have schizoaffective disorder. The best thing my loved ones did for me is let me fail.Yes I have been homeless and addicted, I suffered and I am sure it was painful to watch but boy pain is the best teacher.My loved ones did not make me homeless, I did. They did not force me to get high I did that. Now I am good but the rest of my family that is mentally ill are doing bad. I mean I am not cured. I see things and hear things that nobody else sees and I talk to the people In my head all the time but I do not add to the problem. I pay my rent and take my meds and someday I hope to work. If my loved ones had rescued me I don’t believe I would be where I m at today. So I hope this helps. If you don’t put yourself first there is no way to help anyone else

  5. Lee Smith says:

    So sorry for your difficult life. But you care, and you have not abandoned your loved one. I worked for years in a social work position dealing with people with mental illness and their families. Most were bewildered and so concerned, not knowing what to do. Some just divorced themselves from the situation, going about their business as though the ill person did not exist. You people love and care, so I have so much respect for you all who keep trying.

  6. Diana says:

    Hi Randye, I am in the process of reading your book. Excellent! When I read it it so parelels my own life I can’t believe it!! I am finding it very helpful. I have 4 kids, a single mom as well. Over the past 1 1/2 my 23 yr old has been diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia, psychosis & mood disorder. My home is a HCBS lisenced home. My oldest daughter, 37, is disabled with Autism, anxiety, PTSD and functions at a preschool level. I am her primary caregivers. My son can not live at my home because of the lisence, until he gets a DPS fingerprint clearance card and passes a criminal history check. He just got released from the psychiatric hospital and is now in a BHRF ( behavioral health residential facility). He keeps calling me every day, severalntime and wants to come home. He refuses to sign the applications for SSD or other for “fear” ghat the government has some conspiracy that affects him. I feel so sad for him! This is not the son I have known for 20+ yrs. I need some advise from some one. About if I should let him come back and live at home or if its better for him to stay. I just need to hear what others might think. Thank you….

  7. Amy Henry says:

    My 15 year old daughter has been diagnosed 1st with anxiety, depression, bipolar, and now, come to find out she’s likely schizophrenic. She’s been hospitalized twice, attacked family members several times, and has a pending court case, has attempted suicide, shaved her head, regularly self-mutulates, her bedroom is beyond gross, failing everything in school, often refuses to go to school, has no respect for authority. Refuses to take meds, or pretends to take them. Stays up for day’s, has an eating disorder. Just stated the other day that she has had audable hallucinations for year’s and talks yo a lady in a nightgown regularly, that she knows isn’t really there. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no real support. Her father, my husband, doesn’t like to get involved. I’m truly scared of my own kid. She smashed all sorts of dishes the other night because I said no to going to Cumberlands at 9pm on a school night. She didn’t come home last night until 10:15pm and then demands that I allow her to sleep out, again, a school night, and states that I’m unreasonable. What are the best treatments? When is it time to find a residential school?!?

  8. Alice Fuso says:

    Brianna, lass… it is almost a year since you wrote about your father here. I doubt you will see this reply. I hope you do – I feel compelled to urge you to protect yourself and to try to talk your Mon into doing the same. No house is worth losing your life over. The things he is saying are very frightening to me…I am so very worried for you! It does sound like he can be a very grave danger to you…

  9. Helen says:

    One of the hardest thoughts to face is losing a child! My son is 29 years old and was diagnosed with this illness 2 years ago with medication and treatment it seemed to have gone away, recently he had another episode and is being treated inpatient. One of the things I’ve learned about this illness is to get educated and talk to other families that are living through the same illness! With hope and support we can get through this!

  10. Amy says:

    Desperate to find a group home. We can’t find any and have no help. My 22 year old son is now on 10 hospital stay in two years. He can’t come home and I am afraid it will be the streets when he is released. When at home is it frightening and disruptive and he gets even worse. We are trying to apply for Medicaid and disability,but he doesn’t want disability. Where can we get help or encourage him to live Ina a group home if there even exists one. Amy. Desperate for over 3 years now. It seems like schizphrenia or schizoaffective disorder or delusions. Pick one , too many doctors and no one helps. One even said nothing was wrong and took him off meds. He has the most stabile 9 months ever, until he used pot again. Then psychosis =Hosp= home= hosp = home= psychosis etc. Throw in drugs and you see the problems. Breaks my heart but we can’t function when he is at home. Everyone is scared.

  11. Broken says:

    Just over a year ago my beautiful 30 year old daughter became full blown paranoid schizophrenic and turned against all of her brothers and sisters and myself. She perceives me as her worst enemy and fears me. I am unable to help her in any way and she refuses to believe anything is wrong with her. She was misdiagnosed as “bipolar” as was her twin father and uncle, both of whom were prescribed prozac and both of whom committed suicide. I am desperate to help her but do not know how. I pray every day it is all I can do.

  12. Jean says:

    My ex-partner was a paranoid schizophrenic, I think. Certainly he was paranoid and had delusions and I think hallucinations. He seemed fine at some times, very paranoid and delusional at others. And prone to “minor” violence.

    He lives with his parents. He has left home from time to time, but always gone back. Piecing it together now, I think he kept trying to forge a life outside the family home (as with me) but this would trigger his paranoia and he’d always go back. And they always took him back.

    I used to sense this awful atmosphere in their home but I could never put my finger on it. Now I think I see – they were waiting for our relationship to crash, like all his others, and for how it would trigger him.

    I don’t know what will happen to him after they pass on.

    He got dangerous towards the end. So I can’t have him in my life – not that he wants to be! I do wonder what would happen if he called and said he needed help. I don’t think I’d be able to say No, so I hope he doesn’t. Because it’d be hell and wreck me like last time. And he can’t help it and he can’t change and there’s no use pretending he can.

  13. Donna says:

    Most people who are trying to care for a loved one with mental illness are desperate for help. We are all in a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ world. We can’t take it anymore, but we can’t give up because we can’t bear the thought of our loved one suffering more than he/she is already. We see ourselves as the only ones who care, because for many of us, we are the only ones who care. Our lives are not our own..
    We are either trying to help our loved one with the illness, or we are trying to appease the other people in our lives (who, oftentimes, resent the one with the illness) so we can continue to help the ill one. It’s great that there is a caseworker that some of us can call if we think our love one is regressing, but most of us don’t have that , and are a long way from ever having someone to call.

  14. Rita says:

    Our son got mentally sick at 17 , hearing voices, paranoid etc. He used meth to hold the voices back. He is 35 now. Joe has been in and out of hospital, jails, and group homes, he has lived on the streets for weeks at a time. Sometimes taking his meds. doesn’t even help that much the side effects are hard on him seems he still can’t think clearly and sleeps all the time. The worst part is what is going to happen to him when we are gone? The program he is in now is pretty good compared to other group homes. He has a case worker and I alert her also to any changes I might observe but Joe has learned how to mask. There is nothing for these people to do, no where for them to go, they need to be able to keep busy. I have also seen through the years that having some spirituality helps to stop some of the pain these poor souls feel. The bottom line is a person has to want to feel better, has to want to take their meds regularly, has to want to help themselves.. How do you make a person want what you want for them? This last episode Joe was on the streets for a month our family was beside itself not knowing if he was alive or dead. I reported him as a missing person ( he can be a harm to himself or others) was just about to flyers around town, when his brother saw him. Joe wouldn’t go with him so we called the police they picked him up and Joe is in the hospital. I am sure they will release him within 2 weeks, hopefully his case worker will have a place for him. Yet I know it will happen again. I do think it is time we think of our own health , but I want someone to tell me how? Never have written on-line. Thanks for listening our stories are so much the same, I will keep all of you in my prayers.

  15. Randye Kaye says:

    Thank you so much for your comments here, and the courage to tell your stories. Yes, indeed, we know the struggles well – and the sadness, the loss, the heartbreak, the desperate need for help and hope.

    In the four years since I wrote this post (soon after my book was published), I am happy to report that our son Ben has had improvement in his life. This was, frankly, beyond my wildest (tho realistic) expectations – and is still precarious. Two days without treatment and much would be lost. Still, I want you to know that with treatment (and structure, purpose and love/community), our loved ones can do more than just stay out of the hospital. It takes time, too, and patience – but Ben has a job, a car, friends and even aq credit card. It is possible – but someone had to give him a chance exactly when he was ready to take it. We are grateful for every good day, believe me…but also worry about the future. If we are not here to supervise medication, etc., what will happen?

    Families need support and a way to plan…and so much more. This is so hard – but there is hope. We want to work to help people see possibility in those with schizophrenia. But the balance is hard to maintain. Ben lives with us now, and cooperates with the house rules. What will tomorrow bring? who knows? Parents are left, still, with the bulk of caregiving. And so we fight for the right to a future for those we love.

  16. Carrie says:

    My brother Johnathan is 24 years old and had officially been diagnosed with schitzophorenia about a year ago. My parents divorced when I was three (Johnathan was 8). Our father had gotten custody of us, which was a good thing because our mother was not “fit”. They had both been victims of addiction, my father cleaned up, my mother is still having trouble today. Anyways we lived with my father and my grandparents. I think the first time my brothers(Johnathan, and Thomas our oldest brother) got in legal trouble they were In first grade, they got caught steeling. No legal punishment just put in cop car until they got picked up. By junior high school my brothers were smoking pot and dabbling with other things. It was their 7th and 8th year they were caught steeling cough syrup from the store. They were gonna “Robo fry” which is when you take a bunch of cough syrup and get high. They were both put on probabtion, Thomas stopped his pot smoking and other misbehaviors, long enough to get off probation anyways. Johnathan only got worse, always failing UA’s, getting in more trouble, doing cocaine, extasy, stealing my grandparents pills, eventually developed a huffing problem when he was trying to stop smoking to get off probation, he would huff gas paint thinner, anything he thought would get him high it seemed like. It seemed like nothing could stop him. No matter how much my father tried to get him going down the right path, it never worked. My father ended up taking Johnathan out of school because it seemed that he was getting into more trouble there, that was his 10th grade (something my dad regrets to this day). Johnathan had no desires to do anything but hangout with friends, and have the kind of fun that only gets you in trouble. My brother Thomas was right there with him though, he just stayed out of trouble some how, so that didn’t help Johnathan at all. It was a constant struggle. My 8th grade year,my grandparents died, which wrecked my father. We ended up losing the house, my father had been injured in his job was unable to work anymore. We moved in with a friend of Johnathans with no other option, but In a year or so that went bad. Me and my dad went to live with family friend, but my brothers were not aloud there because they had burnt some bridges. They were couch serfing for awhile on the streets…it was heart breaking. Everything felt so hopeless. My grandmother on my mom’s side took them In. She lived in hot springs Montana, a very small town. It felt good to know they weren’t on the streets but that little town would be the last straw. My grandmother supply my brothers with her methadone ( she also had a pill problem she still doesn’t admit to because the doctors gives them to her). It was bad news…eventually my brothers would get involved with meth that ran rampant in that bored little town. Johnathan snapped though, got some bad dope. Next thing I know I am getting a phone call from Johnathan that the house is surrounded by police and that they are gonna fry him. Ever since that phone call, my brother was no longer the same brother I grew up with. He never talked much anymore, when we would be sitting there just watching tv, he would be starring at you with a disgusted look on his face, and when you’d ask him what’s up he just looked at you. Not a word. And when he did talk, some of the most terrifying things I’ve heard. My grandma’s had my brother for a year now. My brother thomas went to work for my uncle, and is doing good. My dad is still living with family friends, working around the house for them, and has Been trying to get on social security for sometime now. I live with my boyfriend and we have a apartment. Johnathan is worse than he has ever been. My grandma has been trying but can’t do it anymore. He denies his condition, doesn’t want to take meds. Every time my grandma had taken him in to get diagnosed, he would be normal, he would tell them that he didn’t want my grandma back there with him and they would, he would tell them he is fine and they would just release him. My brothers not stupid, he is very smart especially when it came to the legal system,because he’d been in it so long. Right now he is still with my grandma, he is supposed to be in Idaho for probation but he has nowhere to live there. It’s soo hard anymore. He has burned all of his bridges. I love my brother to pieces, I feel so hopeless…the guilt of not helping is eating at me. I feel trapped. I want him to come stay with me but I know I would be biting off more than I can chew. Let alone since he isn’t in Idaho doing his probation he is surely wanted right now. I need help, I’m only 19 years old and I don’t know what to do anymore. My family is so broken up, I’m scarred he will never get the help he needs. My dad doesn’t even know what to do anymore. My grandmother is barely hanging on, and I’m stuck in between feeling like I need to focus on my future, and the need to help my brother before he hurts himself or someone else…I just don’t know how. SORRY about the novel, just needed to let it out… it sucks so much to suffer as you have to sit and watch your brother suffer…Im on the edge.

  17. Randye Kaye says:

    Hi Carrie –
    I am so sorry to hear about all you are going through. At 19 years old, this “should” be a time for you to focus on yourself, and your own future. My daughter went thought many of the same feelings regarding her brother. We, fortunately, are in a good place today, as Ben is in treatment and his life is stable and purposeful for now. It is very hard to “force” someone into treatment. You must try to look out for yourself however you can; the truth is (however harsh) there is only so much you can do for your brother – and without support, it’s so hard to know what to do at all. Have you reached out to your local NAMI chapter to see if there is a support group near you? That could be of help. You are not alone. All your challenges – and feelings – are normal, and shared by many others.

    Your entire family could also benefit from taking NAMI’s Family-to-Family Course. This information saved our family in so many ways. I hope some of this helps

  18. Joe says:

    My father has had problems for three years now. He has all the signs of a schizophrenic just like his cousin larry but was only diagnosed for depression and bi polar. He takes two pills in the morning and seroquil to sleep at night. He just recently chased my mother away with his violent threats and now im stuck with him. He thinks that the voices he hears in his head are religious figures and he believes himself to be a psychic.

    I have no idea what to do. If he cant get coffee or cigars he gets violent and starts throwing things around and yelling. When i tell him im not gonna deal with that behavior he askes me where am I gonna go then, knowing that I have been unemployed since his first diagnosis. I am 34 years old and would like to finish my courses since I only need 1 credit to graduate but I have to spend my time doing everything for him. Even when he was mentally healthy he left everything up tp my mom now he is doing it with me. I miss my mother but she says she will never return. I almost feel like killing myself as a way out. That way my mom would get some insurance money and be okay for a while. I am taking a hatred to my father a serious one and if he gets in my face again I might do something like stab him up. Im gonna try to dump him off on his mother since we cant pay the bills fully here without my mother. Im completely screwed and sorry to say but suicide is looking better everyday. I really hate this situation I am in.

  19. Saphia Mark says:

    My brother has been crazy his whole life and mine. My mom and dad fought the system and got him the best meds and the best help they could. He’s made my life a living hell because he thought and still thinks that demons speak to him. His Schizophrenia is the worse because it fell on religion. So it goes that all his mind is consumed with is the devil. I understand now why he has the illness he had a birth defect that cause his brain not to sit level in his head. So it cause the mix up signals. Because of all this stress from my brother who pretty much ruin my life and my younger brother life growing up. Because he was hell want to fight all the time just mean and would do noway. Would not listen would not try just cause complete hell day in and day out. My dad died at age 62 and I have been looking after my mom and brother ever since. I just feel robbed of my life. I can’t begin to explain the feeling I have right now about all of this. I’m one strong person I can take a lot. Recently my mother decide to go take a walk outside naked. She is old and yes there is a hint of dementia. But the real truth is she is also a Schizophrenic. I just found out and I am so upset over this. I am doubting my life and how I think and all my decisions because my family has this disease so bad in the family. I only had one child because I was so scared they would have this disease. And she is okay I guess she has her dad’s genes. But no way in hell would I have had a child knowing my mom had this illness to. My life has been nothing but drama. I have taken care of them and fought the hospitals when they would not put my brother in because he was not taking his meds. I finally got the state to help me and they gave him a guardian and he lives in a nursing home. I’m just full of emotions right now I just can’t believe my mom has this to. And it all makes sense now she never was happy and always upset about something and she was not a mother to me. I raised myself and my 2 brothers. Now who has a chance in hell of having a happy life when you grow up in mess like that. Well I think me surviving this is a miracle. But let me tell you something when it’s your mom, your child your husband or your brothers or sisters. There is noway you can turn your back on them. They will end up on the streets either dead or have killed some one else. I wish there were more help for the mentally ill I have lived and I would not wish this no one. I’m trying to figure out now if I’m okay or am I 20 shades of bad shit crazy. any advise is much appreciated


  20. Randye Kaye says:

    Sophia – wow, you have had so much to deal with. I am so sorry. I highly encourage you to connect with others who share this experience – and there are many more than you might think. Have you contacted you local NAMI affiliate? Please keep reaching out for help and support, and never feel guilty about taking care of yourself and your family. Anyone else on this thread with words of advice, please chime in.

  21. Carol says:

    My husband and I have been married three years, known each other for five. He has two grown sons, 29 and 31. They both lived in the house with him when I met and married him. The ‘boys’ mother passed away in 2006. The youngest snapped in 2010, attacking the brother and father. No charges were filed, and the father did not let the youngest stay in a state facility. So, in 2013 both boys were in their own apartments, the youngest we watched closely, but how close can you when you aren’t there? He eventually stopped taking his meds and stopped going to his counselor, the only way we know this…this past Christmas we got a call that he was in the ER. I was scared FOR HIM, not of him. I thought the worst, he had been attacked, or someone hit him on his bike, etc. Assuming that HE was the victim. Not the case, thank God NO ONE was injured. We live in a military town, so a couple days before Christmas he drove to the base, parked his truck, went to the gate guards and told them that “Jesus, has sent him to get his friend.” The gate guards called the local police, and they took him to the local hospital.
    My world never knew that kind of pain, that someone you love could be taken away. Like I said, I did not know the circumstances, only what my mind would allow. When I got to the emergency room, they let me in, I was looking frantically, trying to peek behind curtains, they said, “No mam, he’s in the back.” In the back???? I had no idea there was a back. Through double doors, and now no rooms around, a glass door with a buzzer, a camera they look to see if they let you in or not, we go in and he was strapped to a bed, no sheets, it was sad, my heart breaks now just thinking about it. He wasn’t hurting anyone, yet they strapped him down. He wasn’t even cussing. He was scared. I saw a teen in his eyes, not a grown man. He was sent to a local county mental hospital, and stayed for a week. Ever since he has been back in the house, some days he acts like it was an act, some days he acts like he has no idea what happened. He has been diagnosed schizophrenic, and I’m at a loss what to think. Some days he takes his meds, some days he doesn’t. Yes, he lives in the house, so I check up on him, I open his med bottle and sink so low as to count the pills, then he gets mad when his father and I tell him, he needs to take his meds. If we ask anything physical of him, he says,” I’m sick” But he can run around with his friend 8 -14 hours a day. He will come home at 9 and want to eat. I don’t think this is “ill” but I have no idea. I question him a lot, and so now he has his father and his friend as the only ones allowed to speak to his health provider. Like I said, I have reasons to believe he can be pulling our legs, and then again, my husband thinks his son is perfect, minus his illness.

  22. Randye Kaye says:

    Carol, so much of what you say sounds familiar. So sorry for all you are going through. Please do yourself the favor of getting some education and support – NAMI has a great program called Family-to-Family, mentioned in my book Ben Behind His Voices, which helped us so much when going through all you are experiencing. You are not alone – though you must feel alone. Take care of you, and learn all you can. There is hope!

  23. beatriz says:

    It’s been 5 years since my son was diagnosed with Sz or Sz affective. He was stable for about 3.5 years, going to college/holding a part time job but he got tired of feeling like a “vegetable”. He decided to change medications (and we – mostly myself because my husband is too busy working/traveling for work ??) have always been there –supporting my son. These past 5 months and up to date , no medication tried seems to be right for him. He has been prescribed several but all of them have a side effect that he hates or cannot tolerate. He is still in this very delusional cycle that never ends! and the doctor thinks that he’s making up some or all of these side effects ……I’m not sure what to think at this point. Emotionally I go from wanting to help him to being extremely angry, very angry because he is not complying with the medication…..but then who can reason with someone who refuses to go to a hospital……..or complying with a medication after 3 or 4 days of taking it. The first 2 years he went to the hospital by force at least 7 times. One time it was voluntary but I feel desperate and I have to work fulltime. I’m so stressed out, He lives with us. I feel like sending him out to the streets but then, is that helping? I’m not sure if I could deal with the guilt or the fact that he will be wondering and getting heavily involved with drugs…….

  24. Ian says:

    I lost my best friend to what I believe was Schizophrenia. I had known him since first grade, he had a rough upbringing so I always tried my best to help him out. He is one of the smartest people I know and I could always count on him to figure out the math problems that I couldn’t. :) We moved out together when we were 19 and worked together for a number of years. When he was 23 I noticed he was withdrawing a bit, but he was always somewhat shy and liked his private space so I didn’t think too much of it. Until we were having a graduation party and he was supposed to be there. He never showed up and went missing for a few days. He ended up calling us and we picked him up, he was wearing brand new clothes that looked almost like a costume. Something that he would never wear but for some reason was. He ended up telling us that he tried to commit suicide… There were parts of his story that didn’t quite make sense so I decided to ask him about those parts. He ended up telling me that he thought we might be poisoning his food, spying on him with the CIA, and working against him for some reason unknown. I decided it may be best to call the police to see if they would 51 50 him since he did just try to commit suicide a few days before. Unfortunately, the cops showed up and informed my roommate, girlfriend, and I that he didn’t have the authority to take my roommate to get help because as of that day he was not a threat to himself or others. But the cop ended up suggesting that he goes to the hospital with us and to my surprise he went. To make a long story short the hospital 51 50′d him and suggested he takes medications. Which he didn’t take and now his view of us working against him was complete… I tried my best to keep touch with him but it was mentally draining and I was not at a point in my life where I could really support him. However, I feel extreme guilt for letting a friend down and wish I could do something to help. My plan is to make enough money to some how help him in the future, but by then it may be too late. He is now homeless and i’m afraid he is too far gone. I’ve seen him walking the streets mumbling to himself and it hurts to think that maybe I didn’t do enough.

    So I guess I suggest trying your best to help whoever it is as quickly as possible. Or you may lose your chance to help them at all. But I know how stressful the situation can be and understand if you decide to let them go. But my decision to let my best friend go haunts me to this day. It’s been about 6 years since this all happened and I still wonder if I made the right choice. Maybe I could have helped him, or maybe the stress of taking care of him would have hurt me or my family in the long run. Maybe all of that stress would have been for nothing and it wouldn’t have helped him at all.

    It truly is a horrible disease and I hope in the future there are more resources for families and friends dealing with this pain.

    Sorry for the rant, it just felt nice telling a part of the story.


  25. Randye Kaye says:

    Oh, Ian, thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds heartbreakingly familiar, and people who haven’t gone through this may be unaware of how mental illness affects friends as well as family. You did your best, and please know there is probably not much else you could have done.

    One of the most difficult symptoms of schizophrenia is called anosognosia. According to NAMI, “When we talk about anosognosia in mental illness, we mean that someone is unaware of their own mental health condition or that they can’t perceive their condition accurately.” We who love those with mental illness know how hard it is to use reason – and how ineffective it is when the inner world of our loved ones has a very different reality.

    Thank you for sharing. All you can do is be there for your friend should he ever realize he’d like some help. You can also advocate for the right to call others in to help, and for a much better system of mental health care.

    In hope always,

  26. Holly says:

    I’ve been through all of this over the past 20 yrs. My son was first diagnosed at 17 when was in architecture school at the University of Miami. We made arrangements for him as outpatient program at a nearby hospital after bringing him back home. At that point, he moved into a group home and then his own apartment. I’m fortunate, we have a family law practice and he worked several years doing very well. Every three years he would go off his meds and and start drinking. This always ended very badly and he would be back where he started. At one point while living in a group home he started going back to college and finished a five year degree in architecture. That was in 2006, when the economy tanked. All the architecture firms were laying off people. He had lots of wonderful interviews but no one was hiring. That led to more drinking, going off meds and two hospitizations. This is the way it goes. He has to be brought in by the police, usually for doing something violent . This last time he bashed my head into the microwave. He is angry at himself and somehow ends up blaming me. He was hospilized for two weeks and this time his doctor and my husband outlined a very detailed self improvement plan. He was willing to do anything this time to improve his life. We were resistant to allowing him to come back to the apartment we had provided him. He has been back fo five days and has complied and is reengaging with his treatment plan. It’s an ongoing challenge to keep moving forward. The goal is to establish clear boundaries and expectations. Establish a relationship with a good psychiatrist with admitting privileges to a psychiatric hospital. If you can keep insurance coverage,or work at getting SSI or SSDI and Medicare or Medicaid. Connect yourself and loved ones to NAMI or Thresholds if you live in Chicago. It’s so hard and so labor intensive, but it can lead to stability of the family unit. Sometimes I do feel as though I would like to wash my hand of the whole thing because the stress is overwhelming. I do know that would lead to homelessness in most cases and it would be even more difficult to get them back to stability. I have decided to keep moving forward to help my son live a stable life. You can find solutions but it really take knocking on a lot of doors until one opens…. My heart goes out to all of you. Take a deep breath and I just want to encourage you to try to make a plan and stick to it. If you work the plan in a calm manner, things will improve. God Bless

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