One of the most horrific aspects of major depressive disorder is the severe stages of it, when the pain is most unbearable and so intense that a person feels like life would be better off if it were just all over with. It is truly one of the most terrifying of experiences to live in that space. But there are also challenging times living with major depressive disorder that are not quite so dramatic, yet still difficult and require an extra sort of energy to manage.
It’s Not All About Wanting to Die
Living with recurrent major depressive disorder is not all about wanting to die, it is also about managing a “lower level” of depression and watching out for the prodromal stage and symptoms that occur just before a major depressive episode might occur. This less intense but still present part of living with major depressive disorder means that life is not of the caliber and quality that I wish it would be a lot of the time. It means that I still have to push myself harder than what I believe the majority of people who do not live with recurrent MDD have to do, it takes a different kind of effort.
Major Depressive Disorder: Extra Care Required
Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don’t think so. I believe it is absolutely true that I have to take extra care and effort to do things like getting out of my pajamas, eating healthy, taking my medications, and employing healthy practices in my life. If I don’t do these things, then in addition to the normal, “I feel really icky” response, I could be headed towards a debilitating and very dark time, that with each episode may take longer to recover from. Everyone needs to pay attention to their self-care, but if I don’t, it can spell major disaster for both me and my family. Even with putting these things into practice, it is still possible for a severe episode of depression to sneak in , but at least, if I can do these things, I can help to protect myself against it.
Little things, like getting out my pajamas, are truly extra difficult for me, as silly as it may sound to some and as silly as it sounds to me sometimes. It’s definitely my truth. Some of this may be further amplified by the condition of fibromyalgia that I also live with, but the effort that it takes some days to get from pajamas to pretty can feel insurmountable. It’s the extra level of difficulty that normal tasks hold within them that reminds me I am not living the same kind of experience as a lot of my family and friends. I don’t consider myself lazy, but it may appear that way at times to people. When I feel good emotionally and physically, these normal basic kinds of things aren’t as hard, it’s a good way to gauge how I am “really” doing, but it isn’t always so easy to see.
Depression Can Be Blinding
Something about major depressive disorder blinds us. It makes it harder to see ourselves objectively and to catch on quickly to changes in our mood and behaviors. As a result of living with this for so many years, I am sometimes extra observant, perhaps at times overly so. I pay attention to my mood fluctuations and I feel them intensely. I can easily become fearful if I feel a big dip and I can easily feel saddened by a lack of energy. On the other hand, when I am doing well, I am extra appreciative and do my best to be present and not to squander it away. In some ways it is a blessing, in others, it’s a curse.
What I Want You to Know About MDD
It’s important that others understand that living with major depressive disorder does not mean that I am always feeling suicidal, that I am always on the brink of unmanageable depression. It’s important that people know that living with major depressive disorder is not always the drama and darkness that it can be at its worst. But what I most wish people knew and understood is that living with MDD is hard work. It’s an extra burden at times. Please don’t think me lazy or sad, just know that I need a little extra umph! to get me going and extra care to keep me healthy.
Amy, I can so relate to your story here. I also have difficulty getting myself going, even just to get out of bed. At times I wish I could just sleep forever and never have to worry about anything again.
You have given me some insight on what to look for when a possible a low time is about to happen. Thanks for sharing.
Oh how this post says things so well and how people that haven’t been there just don’t get it. Thanks for sharing this.
I’ve been in an “episode” of MDD for more than 12 years. It took several years of therapy and meds and a couple of stays in the hospital to be free from the intense suicidal ideation that accompanied my MDD. The next level, simply having thoughts of suicide with MDD, was a relief – to be able to make it through the day with without intrusive, unsafe thoughts. I reached my current level gradually about 2 years ago, with suicidal thoughts still on board, but in the back of my mind, not controlling my every thought. I look forward to the day when I’m happy, enjoying the moment, with no intrusive suicidal thoughts. I think I frustrate therapists because of this treatment resistance. I appreciate being where I am, where I can say, “I don’t always want to die.” MDD has been a horribly large chunk of my life, but I can see the possibility of mental health, and feel the beginning of hope and relief. I so look forward to feeling “normal”, instead of having feelings of sadness, worthlessness and all the other depressive symptoms. Articles such as this are encouraging to me, to know that it won’t last forever (even though it feels as if it will), and to take note of those safe and happy thoughts and savor them. I’m grateful to God, doctors, therapists, a patient wife, my support team, and my psychiatric service dog, all of whom have kept me alive.
Recurrent Major depression (RMD) is the worst variant of depressive disorder, that profoundly devastate biopsychosocial integrity of sickness person. Amongst many horrible symptoms and clinical phenomenon the suicidal intention squeezing the global life capacity of depressive person. However, there is successful treatment of this kind of depression. In first place it is antidepressant medication with respective psycho-stabilizator drugs (like Lithium, Carbamazapin, Valproate etc). Besides this approach of treatment, it ought to undertaking many sort of psycho-social intervention, in order to manage an healthy life style of living and working. All these performances in daily activities should be associate with one supportive and acceptable social network. The last one is most difficult issue in recovery of depressive ill patient. The same goal request an substantial psycho-education of public opinion on nature of this dangerous disease. Surely, the depressive person should be vigilant about course and intensity of depressive and suicidal overloading as well. An functional collaboration between patient and its social milieu could soften the strenuous suffering as well as resolvable fatal ideas of self-denying as precursor of suicide.