What is it that lies behind the voices, the odd beliefs and strange behavior of paranoid schizophrenia? Most mental disorders are easier to visualize and understand, but this particular one has a pervasive aura of mystery. Though schizophrenia is a disease of the brain there are certain patterns of thinking that are prevalent in the majority of patients. I remember these and why I believed them.
One of my original psychotic beliefs was that a close friend of mine was spying on me. I think of this delusion, which is common within paranoid schizophrenia, not as an isolated fixed belief, but as a piece of a puzzle to an artificial world that my mind wished to create. This world that it created was not built from random irrational fixed ideas, but seemed to follow a peculiar horrific story-line that intertwined in a neat package. This is why I believe it is easier to visualize schizophrenia as an actual place, than as random voices and singular odd beliefs. Which brings me to ask the question; what is this place called schizophrenia?
Simulating The Place Called Schizophrenia
Within the place known as Schizophrenia, every person, place or thing that I met seemed to have but one purpose, which was to evoke the emotion of fear. I was scared of everything and everyone under it’s spell. People were out to get me, cameras were spying on me everywhere and even the authorities were in on it. Fear was the thread that tied most of my beliefs together.
Beyond this particular common emotion, there were also voices which seemed to exist only to further prove my strange beliefs in this odd world. When they spoke, it was usually about the ideas that were in my head at the time. These ideas were seemingly based off of my fears, so my entire existence was terrifying.
Being psychotic is like being trapped between two different worlds. One of these is easily understood by most of us, but there is this other world called Schizophrenia which only 1% of the population can experience. It is a world of fear and dread, and if you are part of the 99% be glad that you will never live in it.
This is psychosis for me, and I can imagine people experience it in a variety of ways that I am unable to understand. This blog focuses on my story, and I am more than happy to hear your experiences with it.