Though this blog has focused primarily on my issues with reality, there is an emotional aspect of my disorder also. This part of the illness is what I currently struggle with the most. Even on medication I still suffer from bouts of depression which can disrupt my social life and work.
When depressed I can spend months rarely leaving my house and shunning the outside world. I feel an unjustified sickness in my stomach towards people, society and my environment. Friends and colleagues leave messages on my phone asking me where I am at, and if I am still alive. Keep reading »
Immediately after having been sucessfully treated for Schizoaffective Disorder, I experienced difficulties adjusting to normalcy and calmness in my life. Though no longer actively psychotic, the world around me felt as if it had changed because I had now experienced the dark side of both myself and the world around me. Keep reading »
Schizophrenia, as horrifying as it may be, has given me a glimpse into alternate realities and shown me a world that defies and transcends the physical world in which we live. Before contracting the illness, I considered myself to be a man of science, rationality and skepticism. My training and education within the sciences demanded it. It was during these studies that I became entrapped in my first psychotic fantasy.
It was here that I took my first look into the forbidden world of psychosis. The impossible now became possible and the highly questionable became undeniable. I had incredible importance now in this world of impossibility, unlike the one in which I lived. I was no longer an observer of the world, but a creator. The only problem was that I was unable to control my creations. My mind created CIA agents, thought manipulating aliens and a host of demons. Creations that had no scientific explanation. Keep reading »
Today I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich in a local restaurant when two waitresses pointed their finger in my direction, laughed and spoke about the “voices in their head.” This is by no means the first time I had been harassed by strangers for the things that I write, and I am sure it will not be the last. I am, after all, a man who represents one of the most feared and stigmatized groups of people in the world. Most people I know have been very supportive of my writing and advocacy, but there are also those who cannot break down the wall of stigma and discrimination. Keep reading »
Trapped in a world of delusions and alternate realities, our behavior is often bizarre and misunderstood by observers. If people understood this illness, they would be more understanding of the sometimes strange behavior behind it. If they understood that schizophrenia can afflict anyone, even them, they would be more sympathetic towards it.
Given that nearly one of every hundred people become schizophrenic, anyone stands a chance of experiencing it. I have this disease despite there being no history of severe mental illness in my family, only furthering my case that this disease can happen to anyone. This is not a far off illness, but something that once relatively healthy people can experience. Keep reading »
I wrote the poem “The Great Deceiver” yesterday in honor of my fifth year of good mental health. It is about the false world that I had lived in as a result of my Schizoaffective disorder. I am writing it in response to all the lies it told me over the years.
The Great Deceiver
Lies Lies
Terrible Lies
Don’t you think
I know better
You tell me this
You tell me that
I listen not
I don’t believe you at all Keep reading »
What is it that lies behind the voices, the odd beliefs and strange behavior of Paranoid Schizophrenia? Most mental disorders are easier to visualize and understand, but this particular one has had an aura of mystery surrounding it. Though Schizophrenia is a disease of the brain there are certain patterns of thinking that are prevalent in the majority of patients. I remember these and why I believed them. Keep reading »
For many years I had wrongly believed that I was a bad person for having Schizoaffective disorder. Many people around me believed likewise. It was not until years later through treatment that I realized Schizoaffective disorder is something that I have, and not something that I am. This is probably why Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder can be treated better than many other mental illnesses, and will be even more treatable in the future. Keep reading »
At nearly 300 pounds, psychotic and impoverished, many doctors and associates had written me off just seven years ago. Getting back on top wasn’t easy. It took a lot of work, help from a good doctor and a lot of determination on my part. Through this I have discovered what I thought what was once impossible, that I could take control of my life despite having Schizoaffective disorder. Keep reading »
Last year, a small ill kitten showed up at my front steps without a home in the middle of winter. Being allergic to cats I tried to chase him off of my porch, but he persisted to visit. The more often he visited, the more he reminded me of the homelessness that I had experienced years ago as a result of my illness, Schizoaffective Disorder.
Twice in my life I was homeless for extensive periods and in need of help. I am aware of the suffering and humiliation that this can cause, therefore I felt it would not be right to allow him to suffer. Eventually, I took him in and gave him the name “Mr. Giggles”. Keep reading »
