I am a very difficult case of bipolar to treat. Believe me. I have been on more bipolar medications than anyone I know and finding an effective cocktail is akin to walking on water. It’s possible, but it’s pretty darn rare.
And recently I made a medication change from one antipsychotic to another. It went very badly in a whole host of ways. In fact, I terminated the medication trial early and went back to my previous medication.
I see my doctor this afternoon and now I have to tell him the bad news about how it went. And I feel guilty about failing another bipolar medication. I know he will be disappointed and I feel bad about it.
Failing Treatments
Yes, some people will correct me and say, “The medication failed you.” Well, use all the wordplay you want, it still feels like I failed another medication treatment.
Disappointing Doctors
And, if you have a decent doctor, the doctor is disappointed when treatments fail. They’re not disappointed in you, of course. They are disappointed in the failure. But it’s easy to feel like this is a disappointment in you. It’s easy to read this like you’ve done something wrong. It’s easy to feel like it’s your fault.
And it’s hard to see the look of disappointment on your doctor’s face – especially if you like him. And this look gets more and more pronounced the more treatments that fail.
It’s Not Your Fault
But, as I said, it isn’t your fault. I admit that it feels like it is but we need to remember that this is a depression thing. Depression looks to make us feel bad about everything regardless as to whether there is any actual blame to be had. And in this situation there is no blame. Your chemistry just didn’t match with the chemistry of a drug. That’s no one’s fault.
Scientists see a negative result as favourably as a positive one. This is because a negative result is still a result. It’s still data to take into account. It’s still one step closer to the answer you seek. So we can view medication trials in the same way. If a medication doesn’t work then it’s just one more data point. It’s just one more medication to cross off the list. Yes, because we have personal skin in the game, we would have preferred that it work, but if nothing else, we still got a data point out of it and that data point can help get us to the answer we seek.
Because something will work. It takes time, patience, persistence and a good doctor, but it will happen. If nothing else, this I have learned. Eventually neither of you will be disappointed. But it can be an agonizing wait getting there – and that time will be hard enough so try not to spend it beating yourself up too.
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We could be medication sisters, Natasha. Sometimes it’s not only disappointing and frustrating the psychiatrist. With a violent, life-threatening allergic reaction to Saphris this week, which is new and hadn’t crossed my radar, didn’t connect the dots that it was the introduction of the new drug that made me so sick, not the head cold going around the house. When I begged the doctor to put me back on Geodon, she refused and wants to try Zyprexa since my antipsychotic seemed to plateau as I was rapid cycling way too much. I am PETRIFIED to try another antipsychotic. Psychiatric “cocktails” are admittedly hard to tweak, and it takes time, but if we know one thing about bipolar disorder, it’s that there is no cure and no magic bullet, which is rough.
Lets say the large pharmaceutical companies met and came to the conclusion that only one of two generation anti-psychotics worked. The battle is still raging, and in some circles dosage seems to make a significant difference. Personally I have found that dosage, auxiliary drugs, and the time of day medication is taken works for me. Two many variables to juggle? I spent a year in Atlanta looking for the right doc. the right med. and the right phd. Conclusion – a new socio-economic environment changed me more for the better than words of wisdom and industrial excrement of the Rx kind. Conclusion: “Know thyself.”
So sorry for those who struggle with finding workable meds. Lucky for me I am not having that problem. I just have a hard time GETTING what I need without INSURANCE. Psychiatrists Aren’t exactly County Clinics’ Specialty.
I went through a couple of years of depression then mania before we got the meds right. In the meantime I was diagnosed with Schitzoaffective disorder which is a combination of bipolar and schitophrenia. My last hospital stay was where I was put on the “right meds”. Even though I still get depressed at times for the most part my head is clear and I have control of my mind well most of the time. I guess this is the closest thing to sanity that I ever got to. I complain a lot sometimes but that passes also. It is worth the wait for the right coctail to be made just for you.
I’ve been struggling with this for years. I do consider it a personal failure. I guess because when I say years I mean over 2 decades. Part of the problem is I have an ok head doc but there are no good pill docs in my area. Add in the health insurance problem & my weak will, I never see to gain traction. I took myself off everything a week ago because I swear the newest cocktail just made me dwell on ‘not wanting to be here’ (not active suicide, just apathy) all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore.