Today was supposed to be the first day of my new, improved life. I made an appointment to see a therapist about helping me develop coping mechanisms toward the stress in my life. What I got was a therapist who spewed words at me like yoga, massage, acupuncture and journaling. Okay, lady, I’ve heard those all before! I need something that I can do internally to help my problem. Self help in a little bottle would be nice, but I’m not expecting miracles here. I just want good internal self talk that will point me in the direction of bipolar recovery.

I couldn’t get to sleep last night. My mind was too full. I’m planning to go back to school and there is so much to do. There’s the financial aspect, there’s what I’m going to do with the girls, there’s applications and FAFSA’s to fill out. My biggest worry, though, is whether or not I can do it. Am I capable enough to go back to school and be successful despite my bipolar? Is it possible to even be making these plans not knowing if my bipolar disorder is going to be under control enough to do it? I’m not getting any younger. If I want to enter the work force and become a mental health advocate, I need to do it soon or I’ll regret it.

I put my plants out on the sill to enjoy the sunshine while I haven’t glanced, but a few times, at the sunlight. I’ve lost the bounce that I had yesterday. I don’t know where it went. The Lithium has calmed down. It will probably be that way for awhile until it settles into nothingness and I’ll once again have to increase it in the dream that it will achieve bipolar stability. Oh, if it wasn’t for the damn shakes, I would be stable right now! If I increased my Geodon, I would feel as close to normal as I’ve felt since before my diagnosis. But, instead, I’m trying to slowly increase my Lithium. Please bring me bipolar stability without the shakes!

I haven’t felt like the best bipolar me in over two weeks. The Lithium finally kicked in and I was sick. I was nauseous after my night time meal and so drowsy during the day that I could barely keep my eyes open. I let it continue for two weeks. I thought that I just had to get used to it. Fortunately, I got tired of it and decided to do a little research. I found some information on Lithium and nausea that suggested that I split up my dosage into morning and night instead of just dosing at night. The results were amazing. I started to become the best bipolar me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to be the best bipolar me and what my father’s advice to me would be. The first time I told him I was suicidal, he merely said to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I resented the hell out of it. I felt powerless to do anything about my situation and my father insinuating that all I had to do is pull myself up was, I thought, disillusioning on his part. I was suffering from bipolar disorder and it was out of my control. How could I then control it when it controlled me?

My father was a beautiful man, but he passed away this past August. I thought then that I was coping with his death by not trying to think too much about it and carry on with my life. Instead, it triggered a bipolar depression that lasted from then until now. I didn’t expect to have to deal with his death this past year. I expected him to be sick, but I always thought that I had more time with him.

I hope my bipolar can get better; I dream to be free of bipolar disorder. Oxford dictionary defines hope as an expectation and a desire combined. It's synonyms are wish, ambition and dream. I dream of sunshine, freshly mowed grass and the absence of bipolar disorder. Can my dream become a reality? Can my bipolar get better? How can I accomplish this?

What do you say to taking chances? Starting fresh. Being you, but better. Would you take a chance to live the life you've always dreamed of? Would you do anything to trash your bipolar life and evolve into an improved you? Jump off the edge even if you're afraid. You're worth it.

Bipolar beat me. Yesterday was a bad day. I haven't had it bad like this in a while. It stemmed from my finances or lack thereof. This time of year is always difficult for us, paying off Christmas. Next Christmas we're going to have a savings. No credit cards. But, there is still the problem of this year.

In this video, Bipolar Vida blogger, Cristina Fender, shares how stigma of mental illness and living with bipolar disorder have effected her life.  You can watch the video interview with Cristina on this page.