Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse Advice for Adult Survivors

Written by Wendy Maltz, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.

"I hate sex. It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again."

Tina, raped by her father as a child.

"My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot out pain when I'm feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and I'm uncomfortable with all that closeness."

Jack, molested by a neighbor as a young teen.

Like Tina and Jack, many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual problems. And it's no wonder. Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but it is, by definition---an attack on a person's sexuality.

Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.

When you were sexually abused--- whether you suffered a gentle seduction by a loved relative or a violent rape by a stranger--- your view and experience of your sexuality were effected by what happened to you.

The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now exist to help survivors overcome the sexual repercussions caused by abuse.

What are the sexual problems caused by sexual abuse?

The ten most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:

1. avoiding or being afraid of sex
2. approaching sex as an obligation
3. experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
4. having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
5. feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
6. experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
7. engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
8. experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
9. experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
10. experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties

What is sexual healing?

Sexual healing is an empowering process in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable. It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively change sexual attitudes and behaviors which resulted from the abuse. The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing your body and self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual sharing in safe, life-affirming ways.

Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more, to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression, anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.

There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series of progressive exercises, called "relearning touch techniques." These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance and support of a trained mental health practitioner. Professional care is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.

You don't need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work. Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively and effectively in the healing process.