Relationship Analysis 2

Written by Tony Schirtzinger, MSSW, CICSW

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

ABOUT ANALYZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

This method can actually be used to analyze ANY significant relationship in your life, but it is mainly used for loving relationships.

Dr. Eric Berne, a psychiatrist and the creator of Transactional Analysis, was probably the first to use this method. I have made some additions to his basic formulation and adapted it to the web.

THE TEN QUESTIONS

Questions In The Analysis Relate To These Five Aspects Of Your Relationship. As you read about them, ask yourself: "How well does this part of my relationship usually go?"

1) When You Take Care Of Your Partner

This refers to all of the times when you have a "caring impulse" toward your partner.

Examples (from slight to extreme):

You feel like just touching your partner's shoulder caringly or getting them a cup of coffee. You feel like taking care of the kids for your partner because they've been working too hard. You are happy to devote your life to your partner even though they have Alzheimer's.

2) When Your Partner Takes Care Of You

This refers to all of the times when your partner has a "caring impulse" toward you.

Examples (from slight to extreme):

[... Same as #1 but with the pronouns switched...] Your partner feels like just touching your shoulder caringly or getting you a cup of coffee. Your partner feels like taking care of the kids for you because you've been working too hard. Your partner is happy to devote their life to you even though you have Alzheimer's.

3) When You Share Your Opinions With Each Other

This refers to all of the times when you discuss your values and beliefs.

Examples (from slight to extreme):

Your child or pet does something smart and you smile appreciatively at each other. You discuss your religious beliefs respectfully including differences of opinion. You dedicate your lives to a cause you both think is important.

4) When You Think Together

This refers to all of the times when you both try to solve some problem together. Many people confuse this with the "Sharing Opinions." Keep these two distinct!)

Examples (from slight to extreme):

You decide together on the best route to take around town during Saturday morning errands. You plan a vacation together so that you both get to do your favorite things. You work together professionally in a highly technical, intellectually intense career.

5) When You Play Together

In sexual relationships this refers to sex. "Playfulness" of all kinds is considered in all other relationships

Examples (from slight to extreme) In Sexual Relationships:

Very little sexual teasing or encouragement. Routine, occasional times when they "do it." The couple enjoys both the planning and the reality of frequent "sexy weekends." Almost daily sexual activity which is immensely enjoyed by both partners.

Examples (from slight to extreme) In Non-Sexual Relationships:

Your boss occasionally discusses sports with you.

You frequently get together for entertainment events and thoroughly enjoy them..

You are both all but "obsessed" about playing some thoroughly enjoyable game together.

HOW TO USE THIS INFORMATION

There are three different possibilities based on your degree of interest and on what you want to get out of the analysis.

IF YOU ARE "JUST CURIOUS"

Reread the information above and ask yourself what the best part of your relationship is, what the worst part is, and what, if anything, you are going to do about it.

LIVING THE RELATIONSHIP MEANS SPENDING TIME AND GIVING ATTENTION

Relationships are about the exchange of "strokes" or attention. Any analysis is worthless if you don't spend enough time together, or if you seldom interact when you are together. Spend Plenty of Time together: Touch, Cuddle, Talk, and Be Sexual!

next: The Three Stages Of Relationships