Setting Limits on Kids Independence

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

Kids independence. Parents are setting limits to it. Where do parents draw the line on children and independence, teen independence?

A parent writes, "I have a twelve year old girl who thinks she is going on twenty-one. She wants more freedom as far as going places with her friends as a group. I am questioning how much freedom do you allow a twelve year old to have? It's always a constant struggle between us lately."

Children and Independence

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Parents are frequently contending with the delicate balance that must be struck between allowing a child appropriate freedom and limiting that freedom due to concerns over safety, circumstances and overall maturity. Today's fast paced culture is especially tempting to pre-adolescents since they want so much to experience the excitement of independence.

Although it takes years for a child to mature into responsible management of their freedoms, a twelve year old often wants to jump ahead since she is at the threshold of the big "t" word: becoming a teenager. Because these situations come up frequently, it's helpful to have standards to guide our decision making.

Parent Help for Setting Limits on Kids Independence

The following are a series of questions that I suggest all parents ask themselves when negotiating the murky waters of setting limits vs. supporting independence:

How does my child handle her present freedoms? Before granting new ones, parents are wise to consider the current degree of freedom and good judgment that has been exercised. Consider how well your child displays responsibility when baby-sitting, completing chores, following through on commitments, and so on. One way to measure readiness is to offer "test drives" where you step back and allow her a degree of freedom within a situation. Review how well she does and pay careful attention to how receptive she is to your feedback. Explain that one test of readiness is how well she accepts advice about responsibility.

How susceptible is my child to group consensus? Although many parents think their child is safer in a group, they overlook the fact that children are also more prone to follow the group consensus, for better or for worse. The pressure to conform to peer wishes remains a powerful motivator on behavior. Therefore, it's important to consider how well your child can resist peer pressure when it conflicts with parental values and prohibitions. Talk with her about the times when she could have asserted herself to determine if this is a role she shrinks from or embraces. If it's the former, coach her in appropriate ways to follow her conscience without sacrificing her friendships.

How well do my child and I know the children in the group? One of the realities of our times is the covert nature of adolescent friendship. Aspects of personality and unsavory behaviors are covered up when adults are watching, but may emerge with surprising intensity when the group is together. Speak to your child about the possibility that she might not know her friends as well as she thinks. Explain that she can make choices about who she "hangs out" with, and that some kids are probably not good choices to go to the mall with but are okay to invite over. Arrange parties and other functions at your house so that you can make judgments about the group and then compare your observations with those of your daughter.

How well have I built a bond of trust, honesty, and understanding with my child? If something goes wrong while children are enjoying their freedom, parents expect their child will tell them about it. Similarly, parents hope that their children will turn to them for help if they find themselves in a serious problem situation. Unfortunately, sometimes children do just the opposite. If this has been the case with your child, speak with her about the reasons why. Suggest that she hasn't trusted you with the truth or has not given you credit for being able to understand how she looks at things. Show her that you can be open-minded to hear her point of view. Stress that with greater freedom comes the potential for greater problems that require parental help and notification.

About Dr. Steven Richfield: Known as "The Parent Coach," Dr. Richfield is a child psychologist, parent/teacher trainer, author of "The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society" and creator of the Parent Coaching Cards.

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