Parents Dealing with Disrespectful Kids

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

What can parents do with disrespectful children? Tips for parents on how to teach kids to have respect for authority.

Parents write: We've really had it with our kids. We are parenting disrespectful children. They show respect to all the other adults in their lives except us! We just don't get it. How can we make any positive changes when they tell us to get lost?

Disrespectful Kids. No Respect for Authority

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Nothing raises a parent's ire and urge to admonish more than a child's frequent disrespectful behavior towards our authority. The intense feelings evoked can be likened to an emotional alarm carrying the message, "Teach this kid a lesson. Put them in their place." Although many parents typically pursue this punitive path, some unintended lessons follow. Instead of transforming into progeny who respectfully follow and defer to our wishes and wisdom, often times the opposite outcome occurs. Verbal challenges, nonverbal protests, and even outright profanity are heightened in our homes. Incredibly, these same children may receive praise from other adults outside the family for being so "polite and respectful." Such a puzzling predicament sends many parents shaking their heads with bewilderment.

Teaching Children Respect

If you count yourself among the legion of parents with respect-challenged kids who reserve respect for the adults who don't clothe, feed, shelter and love them, here are some coaching tips on teaching respect to children:

Consider the message that your child is sending you. As much as we prefer to push their disrespectful words out of our mind, use the problem as a window into what needs repair in the relationship. Perhaps they are responding to what they perceive as your overly-critical words, intrusive questioning, judgmental attitudes, high expectations, or harsh consequences for their mistakes or misbehaviors. Is it possible that they perceive you as showing little respect for their wishes or autonomy, while adults on the outside receive their respect because interaction is not embedded with parental agenda?

Transcend the dead-end parent ego trap of withholding fair discussion as a way of getting your child to change their ways. Parents who withdraw from disrespectful children, and rely on the silent treatment, obtain no insight and achieve little lasting improvement in the relationship. It simply protects their ego from further wounding. A better approach is to initiate honest discussion with the following, "Your disrespect ells me that you're feeling disrespected. I know you're not the only one doing something wrong in this relationship. I may have more power but that doesn't mean that I'm always using it wisely. I'm ready to listen to your point of view." Listen carefully to what your child volunteers and don't forfeit the opportunity for better communication by defending, deflecting, blaming, or excusing yourself as the accusations are leveled against you.

Once parental humility opens a door to discussion, offer commonsense communication choices to replace the disrespectful ones. Keep in mind that kids who often disrespect parents may have other deeper issues triggering their behaviors. These include stinging jealousy of a sibling, frequent and false misinterpretations of parental intent, over sensitivity to constructive criticism, anger management deficits, or other troubles. If this is the case, parents can fashion alternative replies for them to use instead of their standard, "Get out of my damn face!" A better way to say it would be, "Can you give me a chance to do this without the reminders?"   or "That sounded very critical - can you try to say it in a more helpful way?"

Composure is key to turning things around. As parents start to demonstrate measured responses to a child's disrespect it may become clearer that the child is not simply mirroring parental behavior. If so, kids can be coached in developing self-control rituals each time they feel their familiar frustration triggers. Point out how you have witnessed them do it out of the house, describing how they may avert their gaze, take a deep breath or summon the willpower to extinguish a reaction. Ask them to practice at home.

About Dr. Steven Richfield: Known as "The Parent Coach," Dr. Richfield is a child psychologist, parent/teacher trainer, author of "The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society" and creator of the Parent Coaching Cards.

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