Is Your Child a Bully? Help for Parents

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

Is your child a bully, involved in bullying behavior? Parent help to stop the bullying and get your child on the right track.

A parent writes: " My friend and I worry that our middle school son and daughter are turning into bullies. I don't understand how this happens. What can we do about it?"

Understanding How Kids Become Bullies

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Children taunt, tease, and bully their peers in many ways and for many reasons. In certain cases, peer mistreatment serves as a rite of passage, enabling boys and girls to flex their "social muscles" without intending any true harm to their friends. Kids refer to this peer posturing as "just kidding around," and it tends to be reluctantly tolerated by parents and teachers. An invisible line separates the socially acceptable posturing from the harmful brand that leaves its victims feeling isolated, alienated, and even enraged. Understanding this line requires keen observation and insight into the social dynamics within the peer culture of middle school.

One of the most critical concerns of early adolescents is social rank, which in the peer culture translates into popularity. It fuels self-esteem, establishes influence, and creates group alliances. Some kids possess personality traits which reward them with this social payoff while others exploit the vulnerability of peers in an attempt to acquire popularity.

In this latter context, posturing takes on an insidious, and even sinister, character. Insults, threats, physical pushes, embarrassing accusations, and ominous gestures and expressions are among the sadistic repertoire of those boys and girls who bully for social advancement. Concerned adults need to be watchful for these signs if they are to successfully intervene inside a culture that often condones, if not approves, of bullying behavior.

Parent Help on How to Stop Your Child From Bullying

Here are some parenting ideas to expose and extinguish bullying:

Learn about today's bully tactics. Bullying is now more mainstream, but can also be cleverly disguised. Sometimes it is so obvious that parents and teachers don't take much notice since it appears "innocent." But this is a subjective judgment that may not be supported by the feelings left inside the chosen target. Mainstream tactics include "coat-tailing," or taking advantage of a peer mistake exposed by a teacher/parent to further antagonize and embarrass. This is distinct from the "cough disguised threat/insult" that contains a strong verbal strike that is hard to distinguish due to the fake coughing it is packaged within. Bullies also employ 'track-covering" such as "supposed accidents" of physical contact or "deliberate pretense " that involves contrived and mean-spirited conversations designed to be overheard by the target child but without direct mention of his/her name. Bullies also take advantage of the presence of involved onlookers who bolster the impact of his/her tactics even though they may be more restrained in their mistreatment. All of these maneuvers leave some victims feeling verbally and physically pushed around, a sign that the posturing has definitely stepped over the invisible line.

Bullies target their own feelings of vulnerability. The middle school environment provides a cross-section of development, spanning the ranks of pre-pubescent children still very attached to parents to sexually active teens repudiating their childhood past. This melting pot of quiescence and impetuosity is ripe for bullying. Bullies target those children who can't help but broadcast their vulnerability through physical stature, emotional immaturity, lack of social savvy, and more juvenile interests. In doing so, they attempt to reject parts of themselves and strengthen their still fragile identity. This contributing factor is buried beneath the contempt bullies feel for their targets but can be unearthed. By exposing this link, concerned adults can begin to educate bullies about the triggers operating in their psyches.

Bully sensitivity training combines education, awareness, and experiential exercises. Children who bully have a lot to learn about the reasons underlying their behavior. In addition to social standing and vulnerability, other sources of bullying include media portrayal, emotional problems, sibling relationships, and harsh parenting. Bullies can be taught about the impact and consequences their behavior has on their victims and their own reputations. Simulated role play exercises can be employed to help bullies step into the shoes of their targets, and listen to the inner feelings their behavior leaves behind. Parents and teachers can work towards ensuring such programs are available to bully prone children.

About Dr. Steven Richfield: Known as "The Parent Coach," Dr. Richfield is a child psychologist, parent/teacher trainer, author of "The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society" and creator of the Parent Coaching Cards.

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next: Causes of Bullying, Bullying Behavior in Bullying Child