How Personal Issues Affect Ability to Parent Children

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

Parents with ADHD, or who have suffered traumas, or harbor unresolved conflicts need to identify these issues and learn about their effects upon parenting children.

Parenthood can be compared to a journey of discovery. Many of us embark on the trip with the best of intentions, filled with expectations of satisfaction and images of family harmony. Some of us are better equipped than others to realize these dreams. Necessary equipment includes patience, determination, courage, faith, and about every other parenting virtue one can muster.

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Often times, our available supply of virtues ebbs and flows, depending upon the stresses of the day and the challenges we confront. Plenty of personal issues also play a role in what we discover along the way. For instance, our own childhood experiences plant the seeds for the parents we become. Sometimes that discovery leads to a conscious decision to do things differently so that those early impressions don't permeate our parenting.

Each parent brings unique personal issues to the journey. Issues shape our capacity to listen empathetically to children, to form warm and supportive bonds, or to provide kid-friendly guidance. Some issues impair our ability to clearly view our children (blindspots) while others leave us at risk for overheating (hot buttons). As parents, our habits, social and emotional traits, and character strengths and shortcomings, are on display, inviting children to follow our lead. Some of this modeling of parental behavior assists our children in their overall growth, but many of us have found that it can backfire, too. Those of us with more complex personal issues may often get stuck with excess baggage, and find the parenting journey hampered by frustration and confusion.

Goal of Parenting and the Job of Raising Children

When I embarked upon parenthood nine years ago, I was fully aware that I would meet up with my share of stumbling blocks. What I didn't realize was that the process of navigating around them would influence the direction of my work in clinical psychology. As I confronted my own issues at different points, I discovered my need for a compass. My own baggage would easily sidetrack my parenting efforts, and leave me temporarily stranded. Eventually, I found that I could get back on track by asking myself one fundamental question, "What do I see as one of the most important goals of my parenting job?" The answer I found reflected my penchant for pragmatism: prepare my child for what lies ahead.

Learning About Parenting From ADHD Parents with ADHD Children

My search for parenting direction led me to refine my answer. I arrived at the principle that one of the most critical jobs of parents is to help instill the necessary skills to guide children's management of the emotional and social challenges they face today, and prepare them for the hurdles of tomorrow. It wasn't long before this premise became an organizing thread in my private practice where I specialize in treating children and adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I recognized how ADHD children are often ill prepared for the unexpected, and how ADHD adults tend to be caught off guard by the twists and turns of life. And when AD/HD appears in both family members, the parenting journey is likely to be characterized by especially rough terrain and challenging obstacles. As one ADHD mother, with four ADHD sons, once told me, "A lot of the rules and structure is twice as hard for us, but the consequences are twice as bad when we don't follow them!"

The development of my parenting compass has been shaped by personal experiences and those relayed by ADHD parents in my practice. These two sources led me to choose the "coach" metaphor to embody the compass. By positioning myself as the Parent Coach, I could better navigate around my own hot buttons, compensate for my blindspots, and even smooth out the bumps ahead by reviewing the terrain ahead of time. Sessions with ADHD parents and ADHD children convinced me that I needed the compass to be more than a guiding principle; the compass must have a form and a practical way of offering directions. This led me to develop Parent Coaching Cards. They provide kid-friendly coping messages and illustrations that translate common childhood difficulties, and parenting dilemmas, into clear and practical tools for social and emotional skill development. Articles in the ADHD Report, The Philadelphia Inquirer, and many other professional and lay publications, have led hundreds of parents of ADHD children to turn to Parent Coaching Cards for help. (Many articles can be accessed via my website: www.parentcoachcards.com)

Parent Coaching Cards were developed to help children cope with the many hurdles they face each day, i.e., provocative peers, dangerous temptations, frustrating demands, etc. But many ADHD parents and clinicians treating ADHD kids have asked, "What if the coach needs just as much coaching; how about cards for them?" One international LD and ADHD expert, who strongly endorsed the cards, observed, "Wouldn't it be terrific to develop a parallel set of cards for the parents to use themselves which would include the daily crises and challenges that parents face in dealing with their kids?"