Child Fears: Help Your Anxious Child Beat Their Fears

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

Learn how parents can help an anxious child to control their fears, conquer child anxiety and lead a happier life.

Parents write: Our 9 year old daughter has many fears that get in her way of doing things in life. With the start of Spring, she is worried about bees, mosquitoes, and practically every other flying insect. She also is afraid to go to new places and try new foods. What can we do to help her?

Children handicapped with fear face a daily barrage of upsetting feelings as life confronts them with one situation or another. Fears of going upstairs by themselves, making phone calls, sleeping at a friend's house, or a multitude of other stimuli lead them to restrict activities and movements. Often times, the exact stimulus serves as a symbol of unknown possibilities lurking within life. Bad memories from past encounters or imaginary outcomes can trap them into believing that they will only be safe if they avoid these circumstances.

Parenting Help for Child Fears, Child Anxiety

Parents who wish to help their children beat their fear can use the following coaching strategies:

Direct your child's thinking away from the feared object or event and onto the fear itself. Explain how fear is like a trap that the mind falls into and then tells itself that the only way to get out is to avoid doing certain things, such as going outside. "You may think you are free of the fear trap when you don't do this or that but really you get more stuck," is one way to reframe how avoidance traps them more rather than frees them up.

Enlist their determination to learn how to beat their fear. Most children don't like living with such paralyzing fear, but also don't want to be pushed or threatened. Suggest that avoiding things that other kids enjoy means less fun for them. Emphasize that they deserve to be free to have fun and be independent, too. Explain how they have come to "fill in the blanks" of unknowns in life in a way that scares them. For example, they may tell themselves if they call a friend and someone else answers, they will be bothering someone. Show them how to fill in the blank in different ways, such as by suggesting the other person will be glad that they called.

Model an empowering inner voice and self-talk script they can use as a strategy to build courage. "I know I can beat this fear, and feel so much better about myself," is one script that can be offered. Sometimes it can be helpful to suggest they think of other successes they have experienced as a way to leverage their will. Visual imagery can also be used to distract the child's thinking away from fear and onto a desirable mental picture.

Use a one-step-at-a-time approach to reach her goal. Draw a staircase that illustrates steps that become increasingly more fearful as the child progresses. Identify different avoided situations and write them on each step. Suggest that she can practice her strategy for getting up the stairs. Be prepared that it likely won't be a "linear climb," but one filled with movement forwards and backwards. When that happens, reassure her that it's ok to take a few steps back and that you are confident that she can eventually make it to the top. The goal of reaching the top is not as important as the process of getting there, since the skills she learns along the way will be the ones she calls upon in the future.

About Dr. Steven Richfield: Known as "The Parent Coach," Dr. Richfield is a child psychologist, parent/teacher trainer, author of "The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society" and creator of the Parent Coaching Cards.

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