Useless Power Struggles

Written by Elaine M. Gibson

There are three things we can't "force" a child to do:

eat
sleep
go to the bathroom.

Eating, sleeping, and elimination respond to internal cues, not orders and children do what they feel like doing. The problems start when these basic functions must be fitted into the way the rest of the world lives.

Socialization demands that eating, sleeping, and elimination conform to acceptable patterns. Parents want these functions to conform to their lifestyle as well. Parents get into trouble when they try to force a child to do any of these three things against the child's will.

If you want eating problems for life, force a child to eat. Too many homes have a battleground instead of a dining table. Punish a child for not sleeping and see what problems spring to life. Try to make a child go to the bathroom (and do what you want him to do). If you get really nasty, you might win once, but the kid will get you later.

Sometimes children give the appearance of letting you force them do something but they are actually planning how to get you back at a later time, preferably in a way that you won't immediately recognize as revenge.

If we can't make children eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom, what can we do when it is time to eat, when we want them to go to sleep, or when we want them to use the toilet instead of the floor?

The key is in recognizing that cooperation has nothing to do with force. We can't force a child but we can win a child's cooperation. We can't control a child's internal cues, but we can control the external environment. No force is required.

For instance, eating seems to be an early, but common problem. Many parents worry because of what their children won't eat or because of what they do eat. Eating is a function of hunger. If a child is hungry, the child will eat. If a child is hungry and only certain foods are available, the child will eat those foods. The exception is a medical problem and a doctor can confirm this. We can't force a child to eat on cue, but we can make sure the child is hungry.

A hungry child will eat and eat what is offered. If the child isn't hungry, don't make them sit at the table. You can save the plate in the refrigerator or choose not to offer anything after the meal. The child will eventually eat a cold dinner or by the next meal, the child will be hungry. Temporary hunger will not hurt children, but it will teach them to take what is offered when it is offered. We can't make children eat, but we can make them wish they had. We can control snacks and between meal treats.

Sleep is even more obvious. We can't force a child to sleep, but we can expect bedtime to mean "in bed". If we provide the right environment, sleep MAY come quickly.

Provide quiet time before bed.
Provide attention before leaving the child alone.
Provide quiet activities such as reading or playing with soft toys before falling asleep.

These are all helpful. We can enforce bedtime and train our children stay in bed.

The issue of forcing a child to go to the bathroom is confined to a few short years. When they are in diapers, it isn't an issue. By the time they are in kindergarten, we forget what it took to convince them that going to the toilet is the way it is done. Children either have control of their bodily functions or they do not. When they do have control, they will go when they need to go -- unless it has become a contest of wills. Children need to learn to be aware of their own bodily cues. We can provide opportunities and gentle reminders, but orders won't do. We can remind our children to go to the bathroom (before getting in the car, before church, before visiting our neighbor) but we can't make them do anything.

Power struggles must be avoided because parents will never win without resorting to force. If the parent uses force, it will take more and more force to get the same results next time, and there will be a next time. And ...children do not stay small forever! Parents need to be smarter than the children, not stronger. What can parents do?