Setting Limits is Easy ... Enforcing Them is Not

Written by Elaine M. Gibson

Discipline is the art of teaching appropriate behavior to our children. Discipline is the process by which children learn the limits of acceptable actions. Setting limits is difficult but no one ever said parenting was an easy task. Parents must set limits for their children. No one else can discipline with the same love, affection, and concern as a parent. When kids know where the limits are, they feel safe.

Limits serve as a security net for our children, something they need and want. If parents do not set limits, children will constantly be testing to find the non-existent limits in an effort to feel secure. The children will never be satisfied but will always be in control.

Without established limits, discipline will be erratic and capricious. Parents will often give in to a child to produce temporary harmony. This might seem easier in the short-run, but it is disastrous over time. The

child will become a tyrant, the parents will be the victims.

When parents have standards for appropriate and inappropriate behavior, children will test the limits. Such testing is not a pleasant and harmonious experience, to say the least. Difficult children will test longer than other kids. When faced with limits, children may react with hostility. They will be temporarily frustrated, angry, and mad at parents.

As responsible parents, we must accept the fact that our children will not always like us if we enforce limits. When we guide our children away from something they want now, we must tolerate the unpleasantness in order to assure their future happiness and well-being. We cannot expect them to understand or appreciate what we are doing, but a few headaches now will save heartaches later on.

There are some general guidelines that might prove helpful to parents in setting and enforcing limits: Related articles are linked.

Be reasonable.
Parents must know a child's capabilities before establishing expectations. Knowledge of child development will help any parent in setting realistic standards. Such information is readily available. A child who is ADD will not be at the same level of maturity as other children his age.
Be explicit.
Children can listen and still not understand the words or ideas a parent is trying to communicate. When setting limits, parents need to allow children to re-state the requirements using their own words. This "check for understanding" is critical to later enforcement. Do you understand? won't work.
Be consistent.
Set rules that are necessary and important to the family. If a rule is made only because other people think it is important, enforcing the rule will be difficult at best. Parents must set limits they can and are willing to enforce every time no matter how inconvenient.
Be fair. Use set consequences for infractions.
Children deserve to know what will happen when their behavior goes out-of-bounds. Consequences should teach, not punish. Children need practice in learning what is expected of them. They will forget and make mistakes. If consequences make sense, children will remember the next time.
Be patient.
Learning takes time for children and parents. Some children will test a limit once and accept it. These children make parenting is a snap. Other children will test the limits over and over and over before they ever accept the inevitability of the situation. Parents of such children deserve special recognition if they can maintain consistency and sanity through the challenges.
Be child-oriented.
Don't destroy a child to enforce a rule. Destroying a child's sense of self-worth through humiliation, embarrassment, or degradation isn't necessary. Limits are set to guide our children, not to prove who is boss.