Even Nice Parents Get Angry

Written by Elaine M. Gibson

It is okay to be angry but we must THINK about our actions -- even when we are angry.

All parents are shocked the first time they get angry, really angry, with a child. We are convinced that good parents would never do what we just did in anger. Everyone, adult and child alike, has the capacity for anger. Anger is a natural human emotion involving a thinking process and a physical response in the body. Denying anger is emotionally and physically unhealthy.

Express anger; control actions.

Anger can and should be expressed. Angry actions must be controlled. Children are good at expressing anger but not always in appropriate ways. Children can learn how to express their angry feelings and control their angry behavior. They need to hear, "It is okay to be angry but we can learn acceptable ways to express anger." "Use your words, not your hands."

Tantrums not limited to two year olds.

Parents need to internalize this message and model the necessary behaviors for their children. "Thinking", even when we are angry, is a necessary social skill too few possess. Many adults never progressed beyond the typical two-year old's temper tantrum. At two, the tantrum is a normal behavior and excusable. Young children have simply not learned to think when they experience anger. They just react. Unfortunately, some adults are still at this stage. They have never learned to think when angry. They use their anger as an excuse for irresponsible behavior. "I was so mad, I didn't know what I was doing." We can accept this excuse from a child, not from an adult.

Control anger.

Is it possible to control anger? YES, because anger is more than just a physical reaction. Every child recognizes "angry": a parent with a red face, throbbing veins, and bulging eyeballs shouting, "You make me so mad!" The truth is, no one can make us angry unless we go through a thinking process first. At times the thinking process may be very short, but it's there. We see or hear something, evaluate it in terms of our own experience and values, and we get mad. We let our feelings take over and we are angry.

Teach by example.

Fortunately, we can think about what we are doing. Parents can learn to think even when angry and teach their children by example. The goal is to learn to express anger in responsible ways. The following suggestions are offered for adults and children.

To handle anger:

1. Admit it.

   Denied anger becomes internal poison. There is no benefit in forced patience that suddenly explodes or pretending not to be angry when in fact we are. Children read adults well.

2. Learn to express anger appropriately.

   Use "I" words that explain feelings, not "you" words that attack someone else. ("I am really angry. I don't like to see toys left out in the rain!" instead of ..."You lazy kids! You make me so made when you leave your toys outside!")

3. Express emotions but CONTROL ACTIONS.

   Find a preferred method for letting off steam and keep it in mind. The physical response to anger needs to be recognized and a safe method (harmless to others) found to work it off. Running, kneading dough, punching a pillow, sweeping a sidewalk, mowing the lawn, singing in a VERY loud voice... these are a sample of techniques that work off anger for adults or children.

4. Talk it out.

   Everyone needs a personal survival network. Talking to an understanding, tolerant friend or relative can help put things in perspective. If there is no person, writing down angry thoughts can serve the same purpose. It brings anger back to a thinking stage.

5. Look for the source of the anger.

   Examine the situation. Anger is usually the result of unmet needs or expectations coupled with frustration, exhaustion, or stress. The early childhood years are danger zones for parents. These years are difficult but too precious to be spent in anger.

Coping with anger is difficult but not impossible. These ideas might help.

• Reduce frustrations in all areas of life and it will be easier to react better to your kids.
• Learn stress management techniques.
• Take time for yourself. You will never "find" it; you must claim it. Personal time is a necessity, not a luxury.
• Professional help may be necessary to learn the skills if parents were never taught how to handle anger effectively as children.

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