Effective Time Outs

Written by Elaine M. Gibson

From Dr. Sylvia Rimm's book: How To Parent So Kids Will Learn

These cookbook steps to successful time-outs work!

If you follow the steps EXACTLY, Dr. Rimm promises that...

"Children will become much calmer, will obey most of your requests, and won't behave as obnoxious little brats. You'll be in control of your children and you'll be a much more confident parent."

And I agree absolutely. This is a necessary skill.

Recipe for Successful Time-Outs

1. All adults and older siblings must follow all of these rules.
2. One adult tells the child briefly (two sentences or LESS) that the consequence for specific enumerated misbehavior will be to stay in his/her room for 10 minutes of quiet with the door closed.
3. The misbehavior should be specified. Don't select all, just the worst (e.g., hitting, temper tantrum, talking back).
4. If the child is likely to open the door when it's closed, arrange it so the door can be locked from the outside. Door handles may be reversed or a latch can be used. For most powerful children, some kind of lock is required, at least initially. (Don't be afraid of damaging the child. This is necessary.)
5. For the first and every time the child misbehaves in the stated way, the child should be escorted to the room without the parent losing his/her temper and without giving any further explanation beyond one sentence. For example: "You used bad language and you will stay in your room for 10 quiet minutes."
6. If the child slams the door, loses his temper, bangs on walls, throws toys, screams, shouts, or talks, there is to be absolutely NO RESPONSE from anyone. Expect the first few times (more with difficult children) to be terrible. Remember, absolutely NO response from anyone.
7. Set the timer ONLY when the child is quiet (not screaming, throwing tantrums, or using disrespectful language -- quietly talking to self is fine).
8. After 10 minutes of quiet, open the door to permit the child to leave. There should be no further explanation or apology or warning or discussion of love. Act as if nothing unusual happened. Don't hug.
9. Repeat as necessary.
10. After one week, only a warning should be necessary to prevent the undesirable behavior. (With difficult children, it will take much longer but don't give up. Consistency is the key.)
11. Time Out can be used for warning purposes. Give only one warning. ALWAYS follow through if the child disobeys. REMAIN CALM.
12. Your child will be calmer, appear more secure, and be much better behaved.

FAQ's about Time-Out

More tips on time-outs from parents!

Note from Elaine

The use of time-outs gives parents a way to establish their authority without harshness or punitive methods. The time-out space is used to regain self-control. When a child is excluded from the family until behavior fits the family's expectations, the child learns about family values. Every child's greatest need is to belong. Time- out works with this child's own motivation.

As kids get older, time-out can be used by both teen and parent. When things get too heated, anyone can call a time-out and we stop further "discussion" for 10 minutes. Parents can call a time-out, but so can kids. It is incredibly fair and it works.

next: FAQ's Concerning Time-Outs