Approach/Avoidance Trait Determines Reaction To New Things

Written by Elaine M. Gibson

One Zoo, two families, two very different kids

Two families make a special outing to the zoo. The weather is beautiful and this will be the first zoo experience for their children. The Smiths and the Browns have three year olds and high expectations for a wonderful day.

As they approach the zoo, the Browns have a difficult time keeping their child in check. Janey Brown pulls away from her parents and runs through the front gate. They bump their way through the line and catch Janey just as she is leaning through the guard rail over the alligator pond.

Different reactions

Back at the gate, the Smiths are still trying to convince Billy to get down and walk like a big boy. Billy is overwhelmed by all the sights, sounds, and smells and is suddenly very clingy. As his parents try to show him the alligators, Billy cries and buries his face in his father's shoulder.

Janey is having a wonderful time. Billy hates the zoo. Both sets of parents are exhausted from trying to cope with their children. While it may be difficult to have children like this, both kids are very normal.

They simply have extremely different reactions to new situations.

Kids respond to "new" differently

A great deal can be discovered about the personality of a two or three year old by watching them in new situations. One way of looking at personality differences is to observe the child's response to the unfamiliar.

This response can fall anywhere along a continuum with extreme approach behaviors at one end and extreme avoidance behaviors at the other end. While most children are somewhere in between, the extremes do exist.

Extreme approach/withdrawal behaviors are difficult for parents.

Janey is an extreme approach-oriented child. This personality type is going to be an adventurous, exploring adult. As a child, they are quite difficult to parent because they know no fear and will get into anything. They can unlock all the child-safety restraints. They like to go, to see, to do.

Parents often "lose" these kids without knowing the child is gone. Janey probably got up from a nap at least once and left the house without her mother knowing it. A neighbor a few blocks away brought her back to her mom's embarrassment and relief. Keeping these kids safe is difficult and parents often feel incompetent and exhausted by the effort it takes.

The challenge of an exploring child

Janey will never meet a stranger. She has been told not to talk to strangers but she thinks a stranger is someone you haven't talked to yet. It is hard to protect her.

When she learned to ride her tricycle, Janey left the street even though she had been told to stay on the driveway. Her parents were watching as they worked outside but in a split second, she was gone. She didn't do it on purpose, she saw something interesting down the street and she needed to see what it was.

Janey will not hold her parent's hand. A safety harness that connects child to parent is almost necessary in malls, parks, and large crowds. The child can be required to wear the connecting strap until they learn to stay by the parent. Janey's natural tendency is to explore, but she can learn appropriate behaviors. If she doesn't like the wrist strap, the solution is to let them hold her hand or to stay by her parents. She'll learn.

Some people think such harnesses are like putting a leash on a dog. These people have never had to take care of a child like Janey. Protecting a child from harm is more important than what other people think.

Protecting the child is difficult

Janey's parents will need to provide close supervision, good locks on doors and windows, and firm rules about what is and what is not allowed. They will never be able to assume she is in the backyard playing. They will need to check frequently.

When Janey rode off on her tricycle, her parents put the tricycle up for two weeks. When she asked for it, they reminded her that her tricycle was put away because she didn't stay on the driveway and that she would get another chance.

We need adventurous people in the world. The explorers open new frontiers in every field. But when you are the parent of a little one, their safety is a constant concern. Janey's parents will not change her personality. They WILL have to watch her carefully and provide experiences that allow her to explore in safety.