Restraining The Judge Within: Tips For The Judgmental Parent

Written by Dr Steven Richfield

A mother writes: My husband is too quick to play judge and jury in how he parents our two sons. The kids get into trouble and all he wants to do is accuse and punish, and he is not interested in talking to them about it. He also accuses me of letting the kids off the hook by asking for explanations. Help!

Parents are often confronted by behaviors and events in their children's lives that stir them up and compel them to quickly pass judgment upon kids .Although they may lack enough information to determine the degree of guilt and innocence of the parties involved, extracting the truth and imposing punishment may be the determining factors in the judgmental parent's response. Not only does this style of "finger pointing parenting" erode relationships with children, it also breeds deceit within kids and distrust of parents.

If you or someone whom you parent with is guilty of too often unleashing the arbitrary judge within, consider these coaching tips:

Establish a routine of "pause and suspend" judgment when first learning of negative news.

Aim for a posture of concerned inquiry that places emotions and accusations on hold and eliciting information as the goal. Resist the urge to fill in the blanks when circumstances are ambiguous, and reassure your child that consequences will wait until clarity is assured. "Let's try to keep the doors of discussion open and not rush to punishment right now," is a good way to delay letting the judge (and jury) scare your child into withholding answers to vital questions.

Open your mind to the possibility that punitive consequences aren't always necessary.

Those who have allowed snap judgments to guide parenting decisions often pair it with the narrow mindset of immediate punishment. Many situations are better handled by broadening one's view in order to deepen understanding of your child. There are factors underlying problem behaviors that must be thoroughly identified, discussed, and resolved or the problem will likely repeat itself. "Mistakes can be minimized by understanding why problems happen rather than applying more punishment," helps children trust you to tell the truth.

Don't confuse explanations with excuses.

Judgmental parents may dismiss the need for discussion because it encourages children to explain themselves. This does not mean that explanations excuse the child's misbehaviors. Explanations allow parents to coach skills to fix problems and provide opportunity for children to develop greater awareness of what factors underlay the problems.

Depending upon the developmental phase, different factors should be considered as having an active role in the problem behavior.

For example, an older child is more prone to want to "save face" in front of peers while a younger child may be responding to the wish to entertain friends. While both of these explanations do not excuse the misbehavior, they should be part of the discussion if a parent wants to help the child to learn how not to repeat the mistake. The "face saver" will need some work in the area of making good decisions even if they are unpopular with peers while the "entertainer" will need to acquire new skills for mature assimilation among age mates.

More parenting articles by Dr. Richfield

Dr. Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and schools throughout the world. His book, "The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society," is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or 610-238-4450. To learn more, visit www.parentcoachcards.com.

Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.

Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace

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