Help for the Disrespected Step Parent

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

We're a blended family that's not blending too well right now. What advice do you have for a disrespected stepparent who is losing it way too much?

Blended families present various challenges to both adults and children. Despite the best intentions, relationships

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between stepparents and stepchildren can be fraught with conflict and emotional agenda. Troubles developing a cohesive family often stem from specific themes such as territory, control, jealousy, and alliances. Adults can easily succumb to mounting pressures and feelings of disrespect and invalidation that stepchildren trigger in daily interaction or lack thereof. Anger and accusation on the part of both generations can sabotage a fragile family foundation and set in motion a spiral of mutual blame and negativity.

If this circumstance sounds sadly familiar, consider the following tips to build wisdom and worth into your stepparent role:

Prepare yourself not to personalize the negative behaviors of stepchildren.

Taking things too personally as a stepparent is one of the deepest thorns sticking into the blended family fabric. Combat this tendency by keeping mindful of the host of issues that act as a backdrop to the behavior of stepchildren. Missing the biological parent, mourning the loss of the original family unit, unresolved feelings surrounding the remarriage, and feelings of jealousy aimed at half-siblings who enjoy the presence of both parents are just some of the potential sources for misbehaviors. Prudently consider how these issues may be contributing to behavior, and resist the urge to retaliate with stern words and actions.

Enlist the help of your spouse in order to build a trusting and meaningful dialogue with your stepchild.

If issues are interfering, children can find it difficult to validate the role of their stepparent, and need their biological parent to build a bridge between the two. Share your concerns, feelings, and perceptions but be ready to validate your new spouse's point of view. No doubt there are pitfalls to your current parenting approach, such as stepping into the authority role too quickly and intently, holding unrealistic expectations of how stepchildren should respectfully respond, and trying to force a change in boundaries and relationships simply due to your full time presence in the home. Humbly accept that you have already made and will continue to make mistakes, but will learn from them.

Develop a plan with your spouse to approach stepchildren about the issues.

To foster a more open dialogue admit to your errors and invite their critical feedback first. Next, educate them about the possible interferences to building a peaceful and loving blended family. Get a read on how aware they are of these issues impacting their behavior towards various family members. Emphasize that everyone has responsibility for keeping watch over their own issues and working towards a positive family climate. Commit to having periodic conversations about how well the blended family is actually do a good job at blending.

Becoming a wise and prudent stepparent is going to take more than communication.

The thorny and complex issues will continue to surface and test your ability to respond with understanding and composure. Educate yourself about step-family dynamics by finding a good book, talking to more senior stepparents who have been in the job for longer, and possibly locating a professional who can provide more customized assistance tailored to your unique circumstances.

Dr Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA Contact him at 610-238-4450 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.

Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace

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