Coaching Discretion To The Know-It-All Child

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

Our gifted son is too interested in showing off his knowledge and it is socially backfiring. Any suggestions?

High intelligence offers many academic benefits to children but sometimes presents social drawbacks. With a thirst for knowledge and an ability to quickly impart stored information, highly intelligent kids may unwittingly

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cast themselves in the negative social spotlight of conceit, or know-it-all. Instead of admiring their brightness, peers scorn their intellectual contributions, and show contempt for what appears as self-serving corrections of others. Despite their ample book knowledge, such children are behind in a vital area that greatly impacts upon happiness and life success: social intelligence.

If your intellectually gifted child fits this profile, here are some coaching tips to help the know-it-all learn how to not show-it-all:

Discuss the benefits and tradeoffs of high intelligence with emphasis upon the world of peers. Ascertain their awareness of the social pitfalls of raising their hand too much in class, racing to be the first with correct answers, or ignoring implicit social rules about unwelcome correcting of classmates' and/or teachers' mistakes. Check to see if they have noticed the disapproving signals sent by peers or teachers when they do so. Emphasize the social troubles they are inviting into their lives by a narrow concentration upon demonstrating their information intelligence as opposed to their people intelligence. Gauge their willingness to learn more about the "social code" and ensure they are receptive before proceeding.

Introduce discretion as the ability to figure out and follow the embedded social rules of a situation. Explain how many factors enter into these rules such as who is present, location, reason for meeting, and so on. Emphasize how these situational subtleties may make it perfectly reasonable for them to freely demonstrate their knowledge in a smaller "gifted" classroom setting but cause others to frown at them if they try to do so at a soccer practice. Similarly, differentiate how certain friends may find it tiresome and annoying when they relay long information-heavy stories, while other friends may enjoy this intellectual sharing of events and knowledge.

Have them review different locations, peer encounters, and specific friends with you so that their social intelligence can benefit from your input. Point out some of their past social errors where they came across as an informer or teacher rather than an interested and tuned in friend. Suggest that kids don't want to feel like they are being educated when they spend time together; they want to have fun and develop strong friendships by getting to know each other better. Give examples of how certain kids likely have no interest in some of their intellectual "pet curiosities" so it's best not to bring them up.

Spend some time discussing the peer bonding process. If they are prone to talk too much, explain how some bonding occurs just by enjoying an activity together without that much discussion. Reassure them that pauses in discussion are not always a bad thing for friendships. Emphasize ways to show interest in the other person, rather than simply asking questions to acquire information. Following up on interests of the friend or mentioning something that they know would appeal to the peer help to build the bond.

Dr Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA Contact him at 610-238-4450 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.

Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace

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